Idris Elba for SCAN PSA

A PSA against people thinking our warm and friendly borthers are dangers. (Click to picture to enlarge.)

Stank is looking for a "magical" white boy

SPECIAL REQUEST!!! SPECIAL REQUEST!!!
TO: SCAN HQ, Office of H.N.I.C.
FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy and Special Ops
BCC: Agent Q
Subj: New category suggestion!

It's not often Dr. S asks for anything from SCAN HQ ... uh ... besides askin to kidnap Senator Clinton, but that was different. Dr. S' clippers had shorted out halfway through his haircut and he had to run to the store looking like he had wrestled with a grizzly bear. In short, Dr. S was lookin' and feelin' a hot @ss mess, so he wasn't in the best of moods ... that's all besides the point.

Dr. Stankonimilitant thinks it is time that SCAN moves into the 21st century. The good doctor thinks we need to keep tryin' to save black people, because Lord knows we need help. Dr. S thinks that SCAN would be negligent if they did not make a special place for the "magical white boy."

Who else but the magical white boy could successfully navigate the rough terrain of racial relations in contemporary America? Who else could provide such definitive clear cut answers to all racial problems? Think of the possibilities? A SCAN-certified magical white boy! He would be suitable for interracial marriage, able to "understand" peoples of color's problems, and learn to do the Electric Slide!

Instead of repeatedly denying Robin Thicke a black pass, he could become a magical white boy.

Of course, there's something in all this for the good doctor, namely experiments. Just a lil' DNA from all the magical white boys and soon SCAN could start making their own magical white boys. SCAN could corner the market! Perfect the procedure and then ... SCAN could slowly start to phase out all the non-magical white boys. *Giddy with glee*

Agent Q, you know this is a good idea, kid! Don't even front! Instead of having white boys try to steal swag co-opt everything we can create them with some style. Think about it. No more dated references to No Homo! Son, go to bat for me on this one! It's a sure fire grand slam.

----------------------------------------------------

TO: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy and Special Ops
FROM: The Secy. to the HNIC
RE: Category suggestion

The concept could be promising if properly utilized. To what end would these so-called "Magic White Boys" mean? Are these drones we are creating to infiltrate the white patriarchy to spy on its infrastructure? Are they a means of extracting revenues from people who swoon over a black man's tenor coming out of a white man's mouth in song? Is this an attempt at "pimping" the white man? Because while some members might be interested in an army of gullible Justin Timberfakes dead set on taking down our enemies (re: Bill O'Reilly, BET, the recording industry, the Uncle Ruckus Brigade, a terrorist group of rogue former SCAN agents intent on destroying black people, and menthol cigarettes, etc.), that does seem problematic in the long run.

Who will house and feed these magical white boys? Who will train them? How will they further the cause of self-sufficiency and success in the black community? Is this a "Manchurian Candidate" situation? And what about blow back? What if they learn too much about the inner workings of black society and possibly attempt to subvert it? We're already fighting a hostile takeover (per usual) with the NAACP. We don't feel like recruiting a bunch of white guys and then having some group like the NRA, PETA or the Green Party attempt take over SCAN.

Still, it wouldn't hurt to take a second look at Thicke. After all, Bob Deniro, current ambassador to the white folk is getting on in years and Roger Ebert has been too ill to participate in our cross-racial outreach program. But I don't know if we can extend full membership to Thicke at this time. (We have a backlog of white applicants looking for blackness credentials, including several re-filings by previously denied white people -- re: Kim Kardashian and Justin Timberlake.)

I might be able to get Thicke up for review at our next meeting, but some brothers have been grumbling that we aren't accepting enough pro-black white women into the program. They are threatening to filibuster Harry Connick Jr.'s full black pass credentials and that simply cannot happen.

Right now we have some feelers out to actress Ellen Pompeo of Grey's Anatomy, as she might be more palatable to some of our more ... ahem ... recalcitrant female board members who appear to be dead set on denying Kim Kardashian a pass of any kind. There are, after all, some standards as to what sort of good white folk we want in SCAN's fold. We can't be seen as lowering our standards and letting just anybody in, like that Coco person that New Jack City guy on Law & Order SVU is married to. I shudder at the thought.

SCAN only wants the best of the best of what white people have to offer. Like iPhones and Whole Foods.

Let's let this marinate until the board convenes.

Entry written by Stankonimilitant and The Black Snob

Get Yer SCAN Gear

Join the revolution! Finally The Secret Council has gotten off their CP time to put their fierce logo on bags, shirts, hats and other items up for sale on Midwestern precinct leader, code name "Black Snob's" CafePress.com page.

Check out the page and help support the revolution!

SCAN Bidness: Is There A Push to Push the MAN From Rainbow/PUSH Out?

The following was written by SCAN's partner at What About Our Daughters, Special Blackness Agent, codename "Gem." Our field agent is concerned about a rumored campaign to have comedian Bernie Mac and Reverend Jesse Jackson's blackness certification revoked. Here is her report. SCAN will later convene to discuss these rumors, but we're on permanent CP time so ... um, it might be awhile.

On Saturday, I wrote a post on Bernie Mac's performance at a Barack Obama event (Bernie
Mac Embarrasses the HEY-ELL OUT OF Barack Obama: Acolytes Shut It DOWN! ) Subsequently, I was emailed an intercepted urgent communique indicating that this weekend both Jesse Jackson and comedian Bernie Mac were referred to SCAN (Secret Council of American Negroes).

I have no doubt that the Obama Acolytes *shivers* are behind this. Every Black person that has violated the 11th Commandment has been threatened with having their Black Pass revoked. This is a very serious turn of events to have both of them referred to the Blackness Assessment Committee of the SCAN Licensing Board in the same week. In addition the communique has indicated that Obama Acolytes have finally won a majority on the Blackness Assessment Committee. If this is true, these are perilous times for us all.

SCAN HAS NO JURISDICTION TO REVIEW JACKSON, PER THE COVENANT BETWEEN BLACK AMERICANS

I don't care one way or the other about Bernie, however, Jesse Jackson marched with MLK. Having reviewed Covenant Between Black Americans, I believe it provides that every Black person who marched with Dr. King obtained a Black Pass in for life under Section 567.08(a)2B of the Covenant Between Black Americans. Section 567.08(a)2B provides:

Any person having shown that they were in the vicinity of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. during a march, demonstration, sermon or speech shall retain possession of their "Black Pass" in perpetuity. This subsection shall extend to those assembled on sidewalks during said marches, speeches or demonstrations and those who contemplated attending, yet changed their mind at the last minute and stayed home....They MEANT to go.

In other words, they can never have their Black Passes revoked no matter what they may have done or not done in the 40 years since King's death. If they marched with King, as many of them are fond of reminding us, then they are exempt. END. OF. STORY. Therefore SCAN or any of its committees, subcommittees or licensing boards have NO JURISDICTION to review an application to revoke Jackson's Black Pass. In addition to people who marched with Dr. King, it is my understanding that some entertainers, athletes, Black employees of Viacom and Black billionaires are also exempt from SCAN review as well.

Apparently the Obama Acolytes are attempting to have the grandfather clause revoked as it applies to this year's presidential election. They are claiming some kind of exception to Section 567.08(a)2B called the 1600 Pennsylvania Rule which states, in part:

Notwithstanding any other section of the Covenant, in the event that any person of African American descent gets within one mile of the presidency, all other sections of this Covenant shall be superseded by the 11th Commandment.

I do not believe that there is any 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Exception. The Acolytes have made two previous attempts at similar measures with John Lewis and Andrew Young, but this time the communique indicated that they MAY have obtained a majority on the Black Assessment Committee.

How is this possible? Jesse Jackson was the first Black man to win a presidential primary. He coined "I am SOMEBODY."

Do any of y'all remember his David and Goliath speech at the Tendley Street Baptist Church?

What about his keynote addresses at the Democratic National Convention? And who can forget Jackson beating back all of the HATER-AID thrown at Obama during Tavis Smiley's State of the Black Union? Remember back when a whole lot of Black folks were NOT on the bandwagon, Jackson hopped on without PUBLIC reservation.

Despite recent revelations of "improprieties" and "issues." The man made Black history and he coined the phrase "Obamarama" I thought that qualified for a permanent exemption from the SCAN Licensing Board review. This is setting a very bad precedent. The Acolytes are so cut throat. *shivers*

The man is over 50 years old. Thats far too old to have to endure the rigors of a SCAN review. Do the Acolytes have any compassion? NOPE! No one is immune. No one is exempt. There are no accidents when it comes to the 11th commandment.

If this is true, I am going to demand that the hearing be conducted IN PUBLIC via podcast. I know that they are a "secret" council, however there is no room for secrecy from SCAN on this very serious matter. All of America must be able to throw open the doors of SCAN and see this process for ourselves. If the Obama Acolytes have obtained a majority on the SCAN Black Assessment Committee then NONE of us are safe. We must demand some transparency from SCAN on this. It is the only way to insure fairness. I DEMAND AN OPEN HEARING! SCAN's policy decisions and edicts have import on all of Black America and secrecy cannot be used to cloak the Acolytes and their chicanery.

P.S. My people... CALM DOWN. It is a long way to November. Pace yourselves. This thing hasn't even gotten started yet. Wait until October.

It'll Get You High

"It'll Get You High."

Setting: MSNBC studios. Chris Matthews is sitting at the "Hardball" set reading through the script while Andrea Mitchell sits across from him also reading her notes. Both look a little out of sorts, especially Andrea who keeps scratching herself and is sweating profusely. They both look jittery and stressed as they prepare for tonight's show.

Chris Matthews: (Reading over his script for "Hardball") Tonight! Surrogates gone wild? Jesse Jackson is caught making an off air mumble that's become a mess for ... I (slamming down the script) ... I can't do this. It's just ... it's just not the same! I need my Clinton Crack! (scratching underarms) I'm jonesing over here! Look, Andrea! My face is all bloated and red!

Andrea Mitchell: (Involuntarily twitching) Your face is always bloated and red, you ignominious bastard! There would still be some Clinton Crack if you hadn't smoked it all!

Chris: (To himself) I can't go back.

Andrea: (Wiping nose, suddenly calm) I sometimes huff paint thinner.

Chris: Really? Does it work?

Andrea: It'll get you high. I mean, if you're desperate.

Chris: I don't know. You said that about Romney refeer and all it did was make me gain 20 pounds and buy a bunch of Marie Osmond records. I guess I could try that Brangelina stuff, but that seems more like a kid's party drug.

Andrea: I lost 10 pounds doing Brangelina, but I also stopped sleeping, had sex with Billy Bob Thorton and adopted six Ugandan orphans.

ENTER KEITH OLBERMANN

Keith Olbermann enters the set, walking by, looking peppy.

Chris: How do you do it Keith? Your eyes are always so glassy and you always look so happy, despite being nebbish and tense and kind of killjoy. What are you on? And don't say Ron Paul freebase because Jack Cafferty sold me a sack of that shit and it does not work!

Keith looks left-to-right then leans in to take a seat next to Chris and Andrea.

Keith Olbermann: (whispers) I have something TEN TIMES more potent than Clinton Crack.

Chris: I'm interested.

Keith: Obama Opium.

Chris: Opium? They still make that?

Keith: No. Not just regular opium. Obama Opium. It's the main ingredient in Black Tar Heroin.

Chris: I think they liked to be called African American now.

Keith: What?

Chris: It would be African American Tar Heroin. You know? I thought you were more racially sensitive than that? Whatever. Forget about it. Tell me about the drugs. Where did you get it?

Keith: Well, you can't tell anyone.

Chris: This is just between you me and Andrea.

Andrea: (twitching) Did you just say you had some Clinton Crack?

Keith: No.

Andrea: Because we'd have some if Chris hadn't smoked it all!

Chris: I get it, Andrea! I'm a fat bastard. All right, Keith. Tell us. Where did you get the stuff?

Keith: (mumbles) Muurrr-murrrr.

Chris: What? Speak up. Why are you mumbling?

Keith: Sean Hannity.

Chris: What?

Keith: I got it through Alan Combs from Sean Hannity. I was desperate. It so hard to act like I give a shit night after night. I just needed a little something to take the edge off. I used to snort that Bush Blow, but it doesn't work like it used to. Plus it made me really, really angry. Or maybe that was just the Rove 'Roids. I was trying to lose weight. I just needed something to even me out and Combs told me Sean was smoking the Big O every night. He hooked me up.

Chris: Does it work?

Keith: Oh (smiling) ... it'll get you high.

Chris: Can you boil it down like real Heroin because I just want to take a shot of Barack and put it in a hypodermic needle and shoot it right into my eye ball?

Keith: I think I have a spoon around here somewhere.

Chris: I'm excited about this. I mean, I've been using Clinton Crack since 1992. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. But I only partied with it. Nothing serious. Then one day, boom, it was gone. I forgot about it. Didn't touch anything. But then they came back. And there was just so much of it. I didn't really pace myself. So ... so I'm in deep shit. I mean. I gotta have it. I need it. I want it. But they cut me off. I asked James Carville two months ago if I could get 5 grams of Bubba for $50 and that son-of-a-bitch said "Drug store's closed." Can you believe that? Drug store's closed! I've had to get my Clinton Crack through Andrea ever since.

Andrea: Alan got me hooked.

Keith: Alan Combs?

Andrea: Alan Greenspan. They still talk sometimes.

Keith: (to Chris while cooking the drugs) Don't go crazy with this. Alan said Hannity's been hitting it so hard he almost OD'ed while watching some Rev. Wright footage Sunday. He's sobriety partners with Rush Limbaugh now.

Chris: I bet Rush does a lot of this stuff.

Keith: Nah. He's on Nicorette and OxyContin-laced Twinkies dipped in embalming fluid now.

Andrea: They call them "RushBaughs." I tried that once and I woke up fully dressed in a bathtub full of water after a party at Brian Williams' house. Brian doesn't do drugs but Willard Scott was passing them out. I just thought they were hor' devours. One minute I was dancing to Starland Vocal Band and making out with Ann Curry, then the next I was up to my neck in warm, soapy water. It was sooo awkward when Brian asked me to pass him the soap. He has very nice abs for such a boring man.

Keith: Wait ... he was?

Andrea: He said he didn't want to wake me, but regained consciousness when my head slipped underwater and I almost inhaled his loofah. And that's not a euphemism. I was actually gagging on a his sponge.

Keith finishes cooking the Obama Opium and draws it into a hypodermic needle.

Keith: You kissed Ann Curry? What was that like?

Andrea: She tasted like cocaine and strawberries.

Chris: (Annoyed) Enough with the chit chat! Let's do this. (Rolls up sleeve and ties belt around forearm) Get me high, mother fucker!

Cross-posted on The Black Snob

He Sees Something Wrong With A Little Bump N' Grind

SPECIAL COMMUNIQUE!!! SPECIAL COMMUNIQUE!!!
FROM: Dr. Stankonimilitant
TO: SCAN HQ
SUBJ: R. Kelly aftermath

After the foolishness of the R. Kelly trial and his subsequent acquittal raises some serious questions. Dr. S thinks that Mr. Robert Sylvester Kelly needs "special" treatment, preferably with a straitjacket and padded walls. By the slimmest of margins, Kels avoided lookin like this...

as opposed to this....

It is the good doctor's professional opinion that Mr. Robert Sylvester Kelly's Black pass be subjected to rigorous review. There has to be a line in the sand. Kels has reinvented himself more times than Snoop. This is also bringing up a bad phase in bad black behavior. From being shocked when a black man didn't get hung for killing a white woman during the OJ trail to Michael Jackson routinely Moonwalking right out of the courtroom on Jesus Juice charges, suddenly wealthy black men are able to buy their way out of jail time. This was not the intention of our "Trees Are For Leaves," anti-lynching campaign from 1901 thru 1972.


**Written for SCAN by Dr. Stankoniforous.

Save Our Negroes!

TO: SCAN Product Development Department
FROM: Lucious Newhouse, designer
RE: SABP

For your approval:

In light of the continued practice of police officers shooting defenseless black people while they are carrying everything from a sandwich to a cellphone to a wallet in their hands, the members of SABP (Save Our Black People), Anti-Police Brutality Unit are desperate to find a temporary solution to stem the tide long enough for SCAN to come up with a viable solution.

It with all seriousness we are considering putting this latest product into mass production right away.

Example #001 (click to enlarge)

Too subtle? We could add bullet holes across "Don't Shoot" with red blood dripping.

Thank you and we await your reply.

Blackness Approved! Blackness Denied!

June 12, 2008

TO: SCAN Licensing Board

FROM: Blackness Assessment Committee

RE: Approvals, denials and recent applications

Per your request, here is the BAC's status list for places, individuals and things up for review in their status as being authentically black. Please recognize that BAC has a serious backlog due to a recent surge in blackness applications.

Please give feedback for any changes or suggestions ASAP.

Sincerely,

Lamar Jackson

BAC Chairman

--------------------------------

Blackness Application Rulings/Pending Reviews

APPROVALS:

Entity: Cable News Network (CNN)

Reasons for approval: CNN has hired a crop of handsome black male and female anchors and reporters. Also CNN is located in Atlanta, Ga., "Chocolate City" and is addicted to doing hastily put together but sometimes interesting "Black In America" pieces. It's not perfect, but at least they tried. Plus, the network was created by long time "Friend o' Negroes," Ted Turner.

Recommended license: Temporary. Must be reviewed and renewed annually

Individual: Robin Thicke, R&B Singer

Reasons for approval: We didn't realize he was a white guy when we invited him to perform at SCAN's Annual Belts for Boys Benefit Gala where SCAN raises funds to purchase belts for the saggy pants of America's youth. We were pleasantly surprised.

Recommended license: Class Five Entertainment License

Individual: Harry Connick Jr., Jazz vocalist/musician

Reasons for approval: He's Harry Connick Jr. He had us at forever.

Recommended license: Legally Black

Things deemed "black approved" for popular Negro consumption:
Enjoy these things without having your blackness credentials questioned

Maroon 5
Guitar Hero
Gawker.com
Vegetarianism
Hockey (It's cool. All our Negro Canadian friends said so.)
Velvet Revolver
Being on anti-depressants
Dockers
Wes Anderson films
Not Being a Democrat
Skateboarding
Country Music
"Gayness"

DENIED:

Individual: William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd president of the United States

Charge: Practicing blackness without a license. Clinton's license expired in 1999 and he has since been running around perpetuating blackness in flagrance of SCAN's rules and regulations. BAC has repeatedly sent cease and desist orders to Clinton's Harlem office which have remained unanswered.

Clinton has been cited in excess of $17,896 in fines and has paid none. He is threatening to take SCAN to court, arguing that he was given a permanent "Ghetto Pass" by Rep. John Lewis in 1996, but Lewis claims to have no recollection of telling Clinton this as there is no such license as a "Ghetto Pass."

Lewis did admit to telling Clinton that he was attempting to fast track a lengthier licensing agreement, but that it got caught up in red tape during a transitional period at SCAN when the organization was fighting a hostile takeover by Rev. Al Sharpton's National Action Network and the NAACP.

Either way, Clinton should have re-applied when his license expired in 1999. And without some acts of retribution and remorse for some of his behavior during the recent Democratic Primary it is unlikely he would qualify for even the most punitive of licenses, BGA status -- the Blackness Grant Assessment. Better known as the "Bryant Gumbel Affiliation" rule, the BGA is named for the white girlfriends of Bryant Gumbel who needed a one-time-only cursory pass to attend SCAN events.

PENDING/PROPOSED:

*Author/Pundit Jeffrey Toobin -- We can't find an evidence of it, but he looks suspiciously like a lightly tanned Negro. I mean. He could be a little black. His nose is so bulbous and his hair is so curly and his skin is so tan. He's probably just Jewish, but, my God. There has to be a secret Negro wandering around in there.

*Singer Madonna Ciccone -- She is arguing that she has to be approved this time because she has a black son, The Boy From Malawi, SCAN double agent David Bana.

*Billionaire and owner of the Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban -- He's offering to build and fund a Museum of Pro-Black Basketball Player's tennis shoes, furnishing more than a 1,000 pairs of everything from classic Jordan's to those abysmal Shaqs.

*Apple Computers founder Steve Jobs -- Argues that to remain cutting edge in the computer industry he needs to be black affiliated as black people, according to Jobs, "are cooler."

If any additional names, places or things come up, please alert BAC and we will get them into the approval process.