America: The World's Worst Boyfriend

Satire
BLACK AMERICA DEMANDS WHITE AMERICA TO STOP "MESSING AROUND" AND JUST MARRY HER ALREADY.

SCAN News Service

Athena Le Trelle Hemmings, long time girlfriend of the United States of America, threatened to dump her famous beaux after he refused to marry her.

Friends of Hemmings said the break-up happened suddenly when America came up with another excuse not to bring Hemmings home to America's birth place of Boston, Mass. to meet his family.

"She said asked him if it was because she was black and he said it wasn't. Then he said he was just waiting for the right time," said one source close to Hemmings.

It was then Hemmings reportedly threw one of America's law textbooks at his head, nearly hitting him and began screaming about how she worked hard to put him through school and had given him more than 36 million children and was "tired of the bullshit."

America then told Hemmings she should just "go back to Africa" if she hated him that much. Sources say Hemmings then stormed out of their Sommerville, Mass. apartment screaming that he should perform an unspeakable sexual act upon himself.

This was the latest setback in a decades long relationship. While staying at her sister's house in Washington, D.C. Hemmings only said that she was "tired of him telling his friends that she was 'a friend of his sister or something.'"

Sources close to the couple say this was an improvement as in the past America was known for passing off Hemmings as his "maid."

"We had no idea he even had a girlfriend," said one classmate of America. "I mean, we saw him with a lot of hot girls but nothing serious. I think I saw her at his graduation a few years back giving him a hug, but when I asked America who the black chick was he said he didn't know and that she probably confused him with someone else. But he totally copped a feel in front of everyone, but I didn’t think anything of it because that’s just how America is. He’s kind of handsy.

"And he was probably drunk,” he added.

Friends of America said rumors of the relationship were confirmed two years ago when, while drunk, America confessed that he had a "thing" for black women even though they were "like mental or something, but totally hot," one source said. He then went on to say that he "just couldn't quit" Hemmings, but wouldn't say if he loved her or not. A friend said when America sobered up from that drunken admission he claimed that he was just “experimenting” with black women in college because he was really into hip hop at the time.

Friends say US America doesn't appreciate all Athena Hemmings does for him.

Hemmings and America's pseudo relationship began when both were volunteers at a drug rehab center. America was there meeting the obligation of a recent DUI conviction in Maryland where he sideswiped a family of five in a Volvo after a night of drinking in Prince George's County.

Close friends on both sides said America pursued Hemmings aggressively. In a matter of weeks they’d moved into an apartment in Sommerville, Mass. together. And after America’s parents cut him off financially Hemmings worked nights, putting her post-graduate degree on hold to put America through Harvard Law School.

"Athena always liked white boys. I don't know why," said one close friend. "The Republic of Cuba tried to get with her I don't know how many times but she just shined him on. I could tell America wasn't no good because I heard how he did Vietnam. That shit was messed up. I could see America as a fling, but settle down? She's in denial."

America is now a very wealthy attorney managing a hedge fund on Wall Street. But Hemmings hasn't enjoyed much of America's now lavish lifestyle. Sources say America gave excuse after excuse as to why they didn’t go out in public together, why he hadn’t introduced Hemmings to his family and friends and why some people still thought Hemmings was the maid. Friends say America "sweet talked" Hemmings into not taking him to court for child support, settling for America "buying a box of Pampers once in a while."

America, a known womanizer, also had torrid affairs with Venezuela, Iran and Iraq, all which ended badly. He's now rumored to be aggressively pursuing current “It” girl gone bad on the international scene, the People's Republic of China.

“Asian girls are in right now,” a friend of America said. “They’re hot and submissive, you know? Not like Western chicks who are all ‘liberated.’ I wish they’d liberate something other than their mouths with all the bitching.”

Hemmings was reportedly “devastated” last year when her fears of America’s cheating were confirmed after he gave her “the clap,” which he’d contacted from his other girlfriend, Puerto Rico.

Hemmings reportedly has asked America when he’s going to “claim” her and publicly declare both his wrongs and his love for her. Many believe Hemmings isn't likely to hear those words any time soon. She has been with America for nearly a decade and is the mother of his estimated 36 million children. Many close to Hemmings argue that America has gone on too long not acknowledging how Hemmings helped make America the successful man he is today.

But America's friends say that it's acceptable to delay marriage and "just live together and see how it goes” and some argue that despite the fact that America and Hemmings lead virtually separate lives they’re still “equals."

"He doesn't want to be tied down," said France, America's oldest friend. "I honestly don't see what the big deal is. I've been with Senegal for years and she's perfectly fine with the arrangement. I mean, seriously. Who doesn't have a few countries on the side? America's a good looking, young rich guy. I say, let him have his fun. She should just be happy to be with him. Without him she’d be starving to death somewhere in Africa, right? She’s totally better off this way."

Still, others like America’s friend Canada thinks he should consider some peacemaking gesture.

“At the end of the day Athena and US are going to be together no matter what either of them says,” he said. “Once you go black, you can't send them back.”