Dear Justin Timberlake,
This is a letter from the Secret Council of American Negroes regarding the status of your request of a formal decree of blackness.
We apologize that SCAN has taken so long in processing your application, but our organization has had a severe backlog of white people who aspire for a "ghetto pass" or "honorary Negro" status.
The formalities and prerequisites to meet the high standard of "blackness" often takes years to digest as SCAN does not want to give a honor as coveted as "musically black" to any person who fancies "pop n' lock" routines and groping Michael Jackson's little sister. Blackness is not a fetish or a passing fad. Blackness is a way of life and a state of mind.
Your request seems very earnest as you filed all your paper work properly with the Los Angeles chapter of SCAN, including letters of recommendation by ethnic black Americans people including Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, Timothy Z. Mosley and Pharell Williams. But many things have changed since your original application.
1.) Janet Jackson has rescinded her letter of recommendation and Michael Jackson has distanced himself from his initial endorsement. One would think that Mr. Jackson wouldn't have much pull in SCAN, but never underestimate black people's love of "Thriller." Jackson specifically cited you as abusing blackness by wanting to be "black enough" to "bump and grind" Ms. Jackson on the stage at Super Bowl XXXVIII in 2004, but denied any blackness during the media fallout after her bare breast was exposed for less than a second on national television.
Mr. Timberlake threw me under the bus. He was up on that stage with me, wanting to take advantage of my very sexy and very popular blackness to advance his career. He said he admired myself and my brother, who as you know made "Thriller," but when he grabbed the top of my costume and my "wardrobe malfunctioned" Timberlake ran as far from blackness as he could. He did not call me to apologize or even ask how I was doing. He did not defend me in the press. There were two people up on that stage, one BLACK and one a wannabe BLACK and wouldn't you know it, Mr. Timberlake rediscovered his whiteness. It was the BLACK person who took all the blame. My career has not been the same since!
SCAN cannot ignore these claims. She is Janet Jackson. Her brother made "Thriller." Despite the Jacksons' sometimes "curious" public behavior, they have never disavowed their blackness, even at the height of Mr. Jackson's translucency.
2.) Despite Mr. Mosley and Mr. Williams still standing by their letters of recommendation we've received countless "blackness violations" from black music critics and artists who complain you stole your style and dress from other black artists and are unfairly riding a wave of success based on the credibility and talent of Mosley and Williams. Prince was very adamant in telling us that he didn't know "(Timberlake) brought sexy back. Sexy never left!" Also, another member of the recording industry, who did not want his name released, has aggressively and repeatedly lobbied SCAN for the last four years to not approve your application.
I never liked his ass. From jump. I mean, I know a couple years back I said we were cool, but it was for show. I still remember how in 2003 this dude was claiming he was better than Michael Jackson. I'm like slow up, homie. I'm still standing. I'm right here. Platinum, baby. And I was never in no corny "boy band." I've been a "mack" since I was 12 years old. I've been in the game since I was 12. This dude is not better than me. He's not better than Michael Jackson. I mean, if anybody is even close to Michael Jackson, it's me.
He's getting all this attention? For what? I tell you. For what? He has NOT MET THE STANDARD! He is standing on Tim and Pharell's shoulders basking in the black cred that he did not earn. If Justin was black we wouldn't even know who he is. His falsetto ain't even as good as Robin Thicke's falsetto. He don't give you feelings like Tina Marie. He ain't even fucking Michael MacDonald.
If Justin was black trying to make it in the business the competition would be too tough. He'd be lucky if he made it to the sucka section, fighting with Ne-Yo and Mario and all those "Oh" boys. Or he'd be hanging out with Ray J and Tevin Campbell, who, mind you, I fucking destroyed when I was only 15. FIFTEEN! And Tevin could at least sing. Timberlake's name shouldn't come out NOBODIES mouth next to mine! I make it BURN, dammit! People wanna be me, smell like me. I'm not in competition with anyone but myself.
3.) SCAN's Black Education Program has reported that you only completed half of your blackness correspondence courses and recently received a grade of "incomplete" for the mandatory classes of "Black Music History 102: How White Artists Appropriated the 'Cool' of Blackness Without the Burden" and "My Blackness, Myself: An Introspective Journey to A White Man's Inner Blackness" conducted by Robert De Niro.
Mr. De Niro, though understanding, wrote in his recommendations that he is not sure about your level of "dedication" to becoming a "black" man.
It's more than songs and beats and the girls, although the sisters are very attractive. But it's heart. You have to feel it ... right there. I look at my son, who's mother is black and I look at Barack Obama and I think "if loving black is wrong I just, I just don't wanna be right." Know what I'm saying? It's not about show. I don't try to "act" black. One can't "act" black. That's the problem with some white people. They don't get it. You have to "be" black. Live black. Love black. Good and bad. I have to say I question his dedication. His heart. I've seen white guys like him before. Maybe when he's older, but right now? Maybe not. I don't know. You're the authorities on these things.
De Niro, who converted to Blackness twenty years ago, is not a member of SCAN, but his opinion does carry weight within the organization. It is because of his recommendations, the concerns of an important member of the music industry and your cowardice during one of the darkest periods in Ms. Jackson's life that we must put your status down as "Blackness Denied Upon Further Review."
You will be required to begin the process anew with new letters of recommendations and your Temporary Black Affiliation Status (TBAS) will be discontinued. Until the matter of your status is settled your are banned from all displays of public blackness. This includes "trying to appropriate black slang and drawl," beat boxing and performing "pop 'n lock" routines. If you continue to act black in public fines will be levied and the infractions could lead to a warrant issued for your arrest by The Drop Squad.
We at SCAN sincerely hope it will not come to this.
SCAN Blackness Intake Supervisor, California Division