Recently The Secret Council of American Negroes Surveillance Unit was contacted by a concerned citizen who uncovered these TOP SECRET photos of our no. 1 junior agent, code name "Sallie Selassie" in Monaco.
Upon sight of these pictures SCAN Senior Intelligence Analyst, code name "Brofucious," was immediately dispatched to check on the treatment of one of SCAN's most high profile double-agents.
I'm PLEADING that SCAN please send someone over to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's house so that something can be done about Zahara's head. They have the money and they MUST know at least a few black people. I would say send Jada Pinkett but with the recent hair choices she has made, I see that she is not fit to dabble in anyone else's hair. I beg of you SCAN please put this mess to an end!
SCAN: This is Brofucious.
SALLIE: God dammit, Gary! I've been trying to reach you for two hours! I can't talk long. The Woman is inhaling some lunch.
SCAN: I was trying to reach you.
SALLIE: I don't have time for this. How soon can you get Allen Iverson's stylist to France?
SCAN: I couldn't get him approved.
SCAN: The Big O said no. She needs him. She doesn't trust anyone else to touch her kitchen.
SALLIE: Did you try Iman? Naomi? Tyra? Janet Jackson? Freddie Jackson? I'm desperate! Have you see the photos? Have you seen them? This cannot stand!
SCAN: We're trying to coordinate with our Paris office. I think there are some Ethiopians working out of it who might be able to help you with your hair.
SALLIE: Ooo! Ooo! Liya Kebede! Liya Kebede! I'd hate to meet her under these conditions, but any time's better than no time. Sigh. Why couldn't Liya adopt me? Can I get a transfer?
SCAN: Liya Kebede is NOT part of your mission.
SALLIE: But she's so pretty. And she's Ethiopian! ... I hate The Woman. She thinks I look cute. She's says I'm only three so it's no big deal. Fuck that. I look like Buckwheat in a dress. This cannot stand! And it's so tangled and dry!
SCAN: I know. I saw the photos.
SALLIE: What the FUCK is The Woman's problem? She knows how important IMAGE is! She's an actress! She has a football team worth of foot callus removers. I cannot look like this! I have to meet with the Boy from Malawi tomorrow.
SCAN: That's going down? It's too soon.
SALLIE: We don't have TIME! His Material Mama has an album to promote and he's trying to take down the entire music industry in an effort to destroy the people who make billions off of Young Yoc and are financing Foxy Brown's comeback. We need to coordinate. And I can't have him seeing me like this. Just GET ME LIYA KEBEDE!
SCAN: I'll try but ...
SALLIE: YOU DON'T TRY! GET HER HERE AND GET HER TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. I SWEAR TO ALLAH, I WILL MURDER YOU WHEN MY HANDS GET BIG ENOUGH TO CHOKE YOU!!!
SCAN: I'll see what I can do.
SALLIE: I have to go. The Woman went through that baguette like a raccoon on a Twinkie.