Recently The Secret Council of American Negroes Surveillance Unit was contacted by a concerned citizen who uncovered these TOP SECRET photos of our no. 1 junior agent, code name "Sallie Selassie" in Monaco.
Upon sight of these pictures SCAN Senior Intelligence Analyst, code name "Brofucious," was immediately dispatched to check on the treatment of one of SCAN's most high profile double-agents.Dear SCAN,
I'm PLEADING that SCAN please send someone over to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's house so that something can be done about Zahara's head. They have the money and they MUST know at least a few black people. I would say send Jada Pinkett but with the recent hair choices she has made, I see that she is not fit to dabble in anyone else's hair. I beg of you SCAN please put this mess to an end!
SCAN: This is Brofucious.
SALLIE: God dammit, Gary! I've been trying to reach you for two hours! I can't talk long. The Woman is inhaling some lunch.
SCAN: I was trying to reach you.
SALLIE: I don't have time for this. How soon can you get Allen Iverson's stylist to France?
SCAN: I couldn't get him approved.
SALLIE: Oprah's?
SCAN: The Big O said no. She needs him. She doesn't trust anyone else to touch her kitchen.
SALLIE: Did you try Iman? Naomi? Tyra? Janet Jackson? Freddie Jackson? I'm desperate! Have you see the photos? Have you seen them? This cannot stand!
SCAN: We're trying to coordinate with our Paris office. I think there are some Ethiopians working out of it who might be able to help you with your hair.
SALLIE: Ooo! Ooo! Liya Kebede! Liya Kebede! I'd hate to meet her under these conditions, but any time's better than no time. Sigh. Why couldn't Liya adopt me? Can I get a transfer?
SCAN: Liya Kebede is NOT part of your mission.
SALLIE: But she's so pretty. And she's Ethiopian! ... I hate The Woman. She thinks I look cute. She's says I'm only three so it's no big deal. Fuck that. I look like Buckwheat in a dress. This cannot stand! And it's so tangled and dry!
SCAN: I know. I saw the photos.
SALLIE: What the FUCK is The Woman's problem? She knows how important IMAGE is! She's an actress! She has a football team worth of foot callus removers. I cannot look like this! I have to meet with the Boy from Malawi tomorrow.
SCAN: That's going down? It's too soon.
SALLIE: We don't have TIME! His Material Mama has an album to promote and he's trying to take down the entire music industry in an effort to destroy the people who make billions off of Young Yoc and are financing Foxy Brown's comeback. We need to coordinate. And I can't have him seeing me like this. Just GET ME LIYA KEBEDE!
SCAN: I'll try but ...
SALLIE: YOU DON'T TRY! GET HER HERE AND GET HER TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. I SWEAR TO ALLAH, I WILL MURDER YOU WHEN MY HANDS GET BIG ENOUGH TO CHOKE YOU!!!
SCAN: I'll see what I can do.
SALLIE: I have to go. The Woman went through that baguette like a raccoon on a Twinkie.
19 comments:
You are dead on! This ish wouldn't be funny if it wasn't so true! I mean, do they not see that child's head????
If you can't stand the heat then get out of the kitchen, with a eletric pressing comb.
it's a hairy situation, friends, but monaco's not france.
anonymous: Thanks! (I don't know what I was thinking other than I knew the Jolie-Pitts were in France.)
I made the change!
Sallie just needs a Dominican nanny. Dominicans fear nappy hair more than the klan. That nanny will have her lookin right quick fast and in a hurry.
Little Z is such a cutie. Just comb and moisturize her hair. That's all.
Also - why are those little girls wearing black. The Woman needs to stop doing that as well.
juices and berries, that'll do it.
LMAO at scribe.
Gotta get a helmet on my head when I read updates on Agent Sallie - I keep falling out of my chair laughing.
You are killing me with this one.
ROFL @ Juices & Berries HILARIOUS! This made my week! Thanks Snob!
someone needs to open up a hair consulting company for all white people who adopt black children.
lmao. They don't need to straighten her hair tho, just a comb. Arent they self avowed Carol's Daughter fans? Did the bottle run out?
Poor child is going to be totally disenfranchised from her own people. Ironic that Jolie would never leave the house without makeup, but her child's head can look to' up from the flo' up with no problem.
That poor girl don't like her new mommy, she's so much happier when she with Brad, at least that's what the pictures show. I wonder can I find a job listing on monster.com as a hair-comber to the ethnically challenged.
I cannot stop laughing..seriously snob..
I want to hear more about SCAN agent Sallie Selassie..aka Zahara Marley Jolie Pitt
Holding out my bowl pathetically... "Please Sir, (or Mam) I want some more."
Sallie is harsh man..I am afraid of Sallie...I do think Freddie Jackson should do her hair though...lol
what did you expect. the lady wouldnt know where to start with the comb in our kind of hair. send her to me, I will take her to one of my braiders (lol).
I know, I know, it's all about the cheap shots at A.J. for adopting a black girl in the first place, but while you and your ilk sit in judgment, more than 5 million Ethiopian orphans sit languishing, in need of homes. Too bad the same energy spent deriding AJ for adopting an African child couldn't be spent encouraging narrow-minded black folks to do likewise.
And since you chose Liya Kebede as your example of who Zahara would prefer, check out the photo spread of Liya and her two-year-old daughter in a recent issue of Cookie Magazine. Whose hair does her daughter's look like? That's right -- Zahara's! Free and "wild" and with nary a barrette or braid to "control" it. Dare I say that Ethiopian women are more progressive than AA women when it comes to a beautiful head of natural hair?
What's sad to me is that you name all these black women who should come to the girl's aid, women like Iman and Oprah and Janet Jackson. All women who perm their hair when they're not adding fake extensions to it. How is it that we got to this place as a culture, that someone who allows her black daughter's hair to grow out naturally is derided for not "doing something" with it? How is it that folks don't even know the difference between letting a girl's hair go, and simply letting it be?
^^^Chill out. Jolie doesn't have to whip out a perm kit or a hot comb, but she could at least moisturize that child's hair. Good Lord do the crazy Brangeloonies come here too?
This is one of the most disappointing posts I've read. Instead of applauding someone who's adopted this child regardless of her color, you're wasting time commenting on her hair??
As an Ethiopian, I'm offended. This child's hair is natural and free. A lot of our children have the same style. Look at Liya Kebede's daughter.
Hair is not a concern. Her safety and happiness is all that matters. I honestly don’t get the obsession with hair that we have as black women. Don't we have more important things to talk about?
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