June 12, 2008
TO: SCAN Licensing Board
FROM: Blackness Assessment Committee
RE: Approvals, denials and recent applications
Per your request, here is the BAC's status list for places, individuals and things up for review in their status as being authentically black. Please recognize that BAC has a serious backlog due to a recent surge in blackness applications.
Please give feedback for any changes or suggestions ASAP.
Blackness Application Rulings/Pending Reviews
Entity: Cable News Network (CNN)
Reasons for approval: CNN has hired a crop of handsome black male and female anchors and reporters. Also CNN is located in Atlanta, Ga., "Chocolate City" and is addicted to doing hastily put together but sometimes interesting "Black In America" pieces. It's not perfect, but at least they tried. Plus, the network was created by long time "Friend o' Negroes," Ted Turner.
Recommended license: Temporary. Must be reviewed and renewed annually
Individual: Robin Thicke, R&B Singer
Reasons for approval: We didn't realize he was a white guy when we invited him to perform at SCAN's Annual Belts for Boys Benefit Gala where SCAN raises funds to purchase belts for the saggy pants of America's youth. We were pleasantly surprised.
Recommended license: Class Five Entertainment License
Individual: Harry Connick Jr., Jazz vocalist/musician
Reasons for approval: He's Harry Connick Jr. He had us at forever.
Recommended license: Legally Black
Things deemed "black approved" for popular Negro consumption:
Enjoy these things without having your blackness credentials questioned
Hockey (It's cool. All our Negro Canadian friends said so.)
Being on anti-depressants
Wes Anderson films
Not Being a Democrat
Individual: William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd president of the United States
Charge: Practicing blackness without a license. Clinton's license expired in 1999 and he has since been running around perpetuating blackness in flagrance of SCAN's rules and regulations. BAC has repeatedly sent cease and desist orders to Clinton's Harlem office which have remained unanswered.
Clinton has been cited in excess of $17,896 in fines and has paid none. He is threatening to take SCAN to court, arguing that he was given a permanent "Ghetto Pass" by Rep. John Lewis in 1996, but Lewis claims to have no recollection of telling Clinton this as there is no such license as a "Ghetto Pass."
Lewis did admit to telling Clinton that he was attempting to fast track a lengthier licensing agreement, but that it got caught up in red tape during a transitional period at SCAN when the organization was fighting a hostile takeover by Rev. Al Sharpton's National Action Network and the NAACP.
Either way, Clinton should have re-applied when his license expired in 1999. And without some acts of retribution and remorse for some of his behavior during the recent Democratic Primary it is unlikely he would qualify for even the most punitive of licenses, BGA status -- the Blackness Grant Assessment. Better known as the "Bryant Gumbel Affiliation" rule, the BGA is named for the white girlfriends of Bryant Gumbel who needed a one-time-only cursory pass to attend SCAN events.
*Author/Pundit Jeffrey Toobin -- We can't find an evidence of it, but he looks suspiciously like a lightly tanned Negro. I mean. He could be a little black. His nose is so bulbous and his hair is so curly and his skin is so tan. He's probably just Jewish, but, my God. There has to be a secret Negro wandering around in there.
*Singer Madonna Ciccone -- She is arguing that she has to be approved this time because she has a black son, The Boy From Malawi, SCAN double agent David Bana.
*Billionaire and owner of the Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban -- He's offering to build and fund a Museum of Pro-Black Basketball Player's tennis shoes, furnishing more than a 1,000 pairs of everything from classic Jordan's to those abysmal Shaqs.
*Apple Computers founder Steve Jobs -- Argues that to remain cutting edge in the computer industry he needs to be black affiliated as black people, according to Jobs, "are cooler."
If any additional names, places or things come up, please alert BAC and we will get them into the approval process.