June 12, 2008
TO: SCAN Licensing Board
FROM: Blackness Assessment Committee
RE: Approvals, denials and recent applications
Per your request, here is the BAC's status list for places, individuals and things up for review in their status as being authentically black. Please recognize that BAC has a serious backlog due to a recent surge in blackness applications.
Please give feedback for any changes or suggestions ASAP.
Sincerely,
Lamar Jackson
BAC Chairman
--------------------------------
Blackness Application Rulings/Pending Reviews
APPROVALS:
Entity: Cable News Network (CNN)
Reasons for approval: CNN has hired a crop of handsome black male and female anchors and reporters. Also CNN is located in Atlanta, Ga., "Chocolate City" and is addicted to doing hastily put together but sometimes interesting "Black In America" pieces. It's not perfect, but at least they tried. Plus, the network was created by long time "Friend o' Negroes," Ted Turner.
Recommended license: Temporary. Must be reviewed and renewed annually
Individual: Robin Thicke, R&B Singer
Reasons for approval: We didn't realize he was a white guy when we invited him to perform at SCAN's Annual Belts for Boys Benefit Gala where SCAN raises funds to purchase belts for the saggy pants of America's youth. We were pleasantly surprised.
Recommended license: Class Five Entertainment License
Individual: Harry Connick Jr., Jazz vocalist/musician
Reasons for approval: He's Harry Connick Jr. He had us at forever.
Recommended license: Legally Black
Things deemed "black approved" for popular Negro consumption:
Enjoy these things without having your blackness credentials questioned
Maroon 5
Guitar Hero
Gawker.com
Vegetarianism
Hockey (It's cool. All our Negro Canadian friends said so.)
Velvet Revolver
Being on anti-depressants
Dockers
Wes Anderson films
Not Being a Democrat
Skateboarding
Country Music
"Gayness"
DENIED:
Individual: William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd president of the United States
Charge: Practicing blackness without a license. Clinton's license expired in 1999 and he has since been running around perpetuating blackness in flagrance of SCAN's rules and regulations. BAC has repeatedly sent cease and desist orders to Clinton's Harlem office which have remained unanswered.
Clinton has been cited in excess of $17,896 in fines and has paid none. He is threatening to take SCAN to court, arguing that he was given a permanent "Ghetto Pass" by Rep. John Lewis in 1996, but Lewis claims to have no recollection of telling Clinton this as there is no such license as a "Ghetto Pass."
Lewis did admit to telling Clinton that he was attempting to fast track a lengthier licensing agreement, but that it got caught up in red tape during a transitional period at SCAN when the organization was fighting a hostile takeover by Rev. Al Sharpton's National Action Network and the NAACP.
Either way, Clinton should have re-applied when his license expired in 1999. And without some acts of retribution and remorse for some of his behavior during the recent Democratic Primary it is unlikely he would qualify for even the most punitive of licenses, BGA status -- the Blackness Grant Assessment. Better known as the "Bryant Gumbel Affiliation" rule, the BGA is named for the white girlfriends of Bryant Gumbel who needed a one-time-only cursory pass to attend SCAN events.
PENDING/PROPOSED:
*Author/Pundit Jeffrey Toobin -- We can't find an evidence of it, but he looks suspiciously like a lightly tanned Negro. I mean. He could be a little black. His nose is so bulbous and his hair is so curly and his skin is so tan. He's probably just Jewish, but, my God. There has to be a secret Negro wandering around in there.
*Singer Madonna Ciccone -- She is arguing that she has to be approved this time because she has a black son, The Boy From Malawi, SCAN double agent David Bana.
*Billionaire and owner of the Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban -- He's offering to build and fund a Museum of Pro-Black Basketball Player's tennis shoes, furnishing more than a 1,000 pairs of everything from classic Jordan's to those abysmal Shaqs.
*Apple Computers founder Steve Jobs -- Argues that to remain cutting edge in the computer industry he needs to be black affiliated as black people, according to Jobs, "are cooler."
If any additional names, places or things come up, please alert BAC and we will get them into the approval process.
36 comments:
You have got to give CNN a permanent Black pass. I have been saying for months that they must have been secretly taken over by a Black person or something. Between the Black in America series and having the most diverse newscasters ever, there's something pleasingly ghetto about the network.
I know, anon! And all the black folk are like talented and scary hot. I mean, not only have they crammed a whole host of Negroes on there, but they're all so fetching, the butches and the femmes. And yes, the Black in America series -- no one is even attempting to cover black folk to this degree.
I think that Chocolate City went to CNN's brain. But I say, the more sexy smart black newscasters you can cram in there the better.
CNN deserves a pass but not a permanent one (unless it comes with conditions and is revocable at any time if they get out of line like those people at FOX).
Oh-hell-to-the-Yea! Harry Connick Jr. is black.
Thank YOU!!! I've been saying the same thing about Toobin. There's something there.
Have you listed Bob Barr?
Madonna - yes
Mark - NO
country music and Velvet Revolver? You sure?
I do have a secret love for Maroon 5. But how can country music get a pass? ?? Madonna did have Black back up dancers in her videos, but the whole adoption thing bugs me a bit. I say no to Robin Thicke because we have to stop supporting the appropriation of Black music. Justin and Robin sound the way Black singers sounded back in the day and they are getting rich off it.
Yes to Robin Thicke, he's just being himself... I've got NO PROBLEM with him embracing the old RnB/Soul sound, it's refreshing... but his music is much more diverse than that.. his first album had Prince, Beatles, Stevie Wonder, latin grooves and basic rock influences... ALL okay with me, and yes, I am a BLACK WOMAN over 50.
Robin Thicke- Yeah
Country Music -No
I say let's review Kim K's application again. The booty and her love of us pecan & chocolate skin brothers grants her a closer second look.
I say if the whites are willimg to take the Williams, Armstrong & Juan, & and a player to be named later, we get Anderson Cooper.
From the SCAN notebook:
1. Hey. Black people helped invent country music. It's blues' and R&B's pickin' and grinnin' wayward cousin!
2. I can't tell. Are we for or against Robin Thicke? After all, he didn't leave Janet Jackson with her boob hanging out at the Super Bowl which is what got Justin Timberlake's application denied. He totally did a blackness co-opt drive-by on the Jacksons.
3. CNN can't have a permanent pass for the reasons urban thought outlined.
4. Hey! Velvet Revolver has Slash in it. He is totally half-a-Negro.
5. I'll see if I can orchestrate a trade for Andy Coop-A-Doop. Does he have any other blackness connections besides being on CNN and allegedly dating some Puerto Rican fella?
6. If enough dudes lobby on Kim's behalf, we might be able to make-a-deal.
Thank you for your feedback! :-)
Even though you say it's okay, I'm still to embarassed to admit I like Maroon 5 in public. The lead singer may be a douchebag but some of their songs are mad catchy yo.
Snob - Slash is a SELF HATING half Negro! He's denied that part of his heritage more than once while dropping the N Bomb. It was a big thing in my house years ago b/c I'm a half Negro who grew up a rock fan. I don't care how long ago it was (early 90's) you don't get to come back from talkin' about your momma like that.
Maroon 5 yes, Robin Thicke yes, CNN HELL YES (but we keep an eye on them)
@ The Black Snob- Ok whites get the Williams, Armstrong & Juan, Tracy Bingham and the word Shizzle.
We get Anderson Cooper (His mom was great friends with Gordon Parks, and he has said that Gordon Parks was one of the people he admired most). We'll also take back Jennifer Beals and we'll keep the words "Fo Sho" & "My Bad".
Also the whites have to promise to never again try and give Condi Rice back.
Robin Thicke just loves everything about the blackness. He even married a beautiful black woman, joining the ranks of Robert DeNiro and David Bowie. I'm all for country music as its got a lot of heart and soul in it, (albeit in a different way). I would substitute Dockers with just Khakis. I find Dockers to be kinda cheap. Brands like Bill's Khakis and Ralph Lauren are much better quality. Also let's revoke the Hebrew Israelites blackness recognition. Given their blatant disrespect for (black) women, Dr. King and most other things that the rest of us revere...They gots to go.
P.S. Check out one Black Hebrew Israelite's views on Obama, http://www.esquire.com/the-side/feature/racists-support-obama-061308
P.P.S www.stuffblackpeoplehate.com makes a good case for temporarily suspending Beyonce and Jay Z but I'm a bit conflicted since I think Beyonce is almost too sexy for words.
Madonna is about as white as you can get. Surprised she was up for consideration.
Toobin seems to be on Babe Ruth status. lol
I Looooove hockey! I'm still licking my wounds after my Pens lost in the finals. :(
Look, I'm not one to gossip and all..but has anyone ever seen BROFUCIOUS?...I'm just saying..
and if Clinton pays the fine...well...look, I'm just saying, we can put that money to good..fer shizzle...Oh..I have to apply too? Um, lemme think about that.
Listen, don't be so quick to throw back Condie R...I heard the Head of SCAN was a black Republican woman named Condoleeza Rice, who works at the White House.."sho nuff".(is that ours? I forget!)...Now looky here (We need to acquire that one..I'm just saying..)the chances are it is one and the same woman..it's a stretch I know, but stranger things have happened..
Here comes "the Man"..gotta go (no, not "that Man")
Glad to hear vegetarianism and Maroon 5 made the cut. They should have been approved long ago: their music is a fusion of pop, rock, funk and soul.
Speaking of which, has Michael McDonald's application been submitted? There should be no question about that one.
I am gonna have to vote NO on Kim K. Her booty and face are nice, but them seem like the only positives...
And a hearty GOOOOO WIIIINNNNGGGGSSSS!!!! for the home team bringing the Stanley Cup back to it's traditional American home!
I love all of your choices, specifically the one about Bill Clinton.
He should not be allowed to apply ever again! Permanently revoked!
i loved reading this. and it is so true here in Canada it is ok for all of us to watch Hockey no matter what your background is.
I would like to officially nominate Robin Thicke for the Robert DeNiro permanent pass, I think he is worthy of it.
My thoughts on CNN is that despite an impressively deep bench of great talent (and looks) they can be a slow on the uptake when it came to the many dogwhistles of the primary season. Before any kind of permanent pass is granted they would have to improve the diversity on their editorial/production roster. I worked there in the late eighties/early nineties and at the time, despite an impressive array of talent, the production and editorial staff was not up to snuff. Unless it's improved I'd be leery of granting them any kind of permanent pass.
I'm highly enthusiastic about Jobs' application. I say we take him in in exchange for a "family" discount on his company's many fine products. (I'm about due for a new computer and I hear Vista sucks.) Why shouldn't we get ours? I'm just sayin'.
Georgia Representative Bob Barr is sunraider character from Ralph Ellison's Juneeth!
Inthe words of Maxine waters, we know who you are Bob Barr, you can straighten that nappy fro all you want!
I'd like to nominate Paul Wall and Teena Marie. No explanation necessary.
Yes. We get Madonna. let them have Whitney.
robin - yes
harry - thats a given - yes
cnn- I say..yes.
mark - nope
Kim K - no
country music - no
if amy winehouse ever applies - tell her "no". we get her music cred. but the most she could get is a temp blackness pass.
CNN and Anderson Cooper - yes, temporary passes for both
Madonna - hell naw
The other side can have Tiger. We'll keep the Williams.
CNN- yes
Steve Jobs- no
Kim Kardashian- Heck no (but if she gets in, we get Justin Chambers from Grey's anatomy)
Harry Connick Jr.- yes
Vegetarianism- yes
velvet revolver- yes
I second the nomination for Paul Wall and Teena Marie
Memo From the Blaquetower:
The motion on Bill Clinton should be reconsidered for a complete revocation of his Back Card as well as his Black Privileges. Reconnaissance intelligence from D.R.O.P. squad leads us to suspect that a probable linkage between him, Jessie Jackson and the alleged Fox News debacle from last week is high. This leads us to further conclude that the debacle may have been fabricated in an attempt undermine the Obama presidential campaign.
If we can admit to Maroon 5, can we admit to Jon Mayer and Carlos Santana, too? Just wondering...And no to Kim K.,I don't care how fine she is...and give it to CNN, just make make sure we re-evalute every six months instead of every year.
Robin Thicke- Yes
Country Music - No Because it was agreed that whites got to keep country music & NASCAR.
Harry Connick Jr.-Yes
Velvet Revolver- No
Kim K- I say she gets an auxiliary membership.
Maroon 5- Yes
CNN & Anderson Cooper- Yes, but we have to keep and eye on them.
I'd like to submit Hall & Oates, Michael McDonald & I third for Teena Marie & Paul Wall.
By the way technically speaking isn't Charlize Theron an African American ?
This is the first time that I have read this blog and I LOVE it!!!! I will contiue to read it everyday. I am over here laughing so much people are looking at me. Keep up the good work! For the record.....
Madonna - NO
Harry - Yepper!
Kim - Hell to the NAW!!!
Oh...and they can have Harold Ford too...
First -- I am totally for Robin's pass. How in the world can we deny that?
Additionally, I second the nomination above for John Mayer and Santana. I'd also like to submit Duffy (another white woman who by mere voice I had no clue was really white) for an entertainment pass. Also can Rockband be acceptable if we gave Guitar Hero a pass?
Charlize Theron is African - she was born and raised in South Africa. She might get a pass based on geography.
um, if we are gonna include maroon five we have to include jonny lang. boy can play.
If Teena Marie should have a pass before any of these other entertainers. She was an actual Motown artist. That is "White person putting money in *Black* company's pockets". The rest can all get 'entertainment' licenses and probationary status. Just cause you like us and/or sound black does not make you black. We need more self-esteem. Thats not saying I don't enjoy the artists previously mentioned :)
Well, if we're being REALLY technical here, Teena Marie gets grandfathered in on the beige tip. She's Portuguese American, and if we're taking the Great Slave Trade into account, she probably does have a genetic link to the rest of us.
You guys can have Robin Thicke, regardless of his music and his wife. Not co-signing his nomination. But I'll take John Mayer, except for his horrible taste in women. On second thought, if we're denying Kim Kardashian, he's got to go too. But he's still cute and talented. Her? Not so much.
1. Charlize Theron -- NOT Black. Lots of African people are not black. She is one. Next up.
2. Wes Anderson films -- NOT Black, but racist. Especially in his use of POC women. Deeply prejudicial. That should not be black. Next up.
3. Maybe not being a Dem. Sure. But conservatism, however, still should have your blackness questioned, each and every time until the conservatives get something right for black people. Just getting people out of N.O. safely and quickly, you know, what governments are made for, would've worked. Next up.
4. Skateboarding -- So, so black. It falls right into the tradition of civil disobedience of dumb laws that I feel is a large part of my black heritage, so yeah skateboarding! Next up.
5. What about Mariah Carey? Is she verified as full-on black? I've had for years brothers and sisters question her blackness to me, and so I think we've got to make sure to get that solid so we can lessen confusion on that front. Same with Lenny Kravitz. Next up.
6. Tim Wise. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Wise
He's a strong antiracist activist, a man of white heritage who speaks powerfully against his white peers about their own prejudice, privilege and injustice. He not only gets it, he actively works against it, fighting people like David Duke and his Neo-Nazi organization(s), and training antiracist teaching methods in schools in the NYC area. To me, he should get a temporary black license as we see what happens, and then potentially move onto a more permanent black license.
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