SPECIAL REQUEST!!! SPECIAL REQUEST!!!
TO: SCAN HQ, Office of H.N.I.C.
FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy and Special Ops
BCC: Agent Q
Subj: New category suggestion!
It's not often Dr. S asks for anything from SCAN HQ ... uh ... besides askin to kidnap Senator Clinton, but that was different. Dr. S' clippers had shorted out halfway through his haircut and he had to run to the store looking like he had wrestled with a grizzly bear. In short, Dr. S was lookin' and feelin' a hot @ss mess, so he wasn't in the best of moods ... that's all besides the point.
Dr. Stankonimilitant thinks it is time that SCAN moves into the 21st century. The good doctor thinks we need to keep tryin' to save black people, because Lord knows we need help. Dr. S thinks that SCAN would be negligent if they did not make a special place for the "magical white boy."
Who else but the magical white boy could successfully navigate the rough terrain of racial relations in contemporary America? Who else could provide such definitive clear cut answers to all racial problems? Think of the possibilities? A SCAN-certified magical white boy! He would be suitable for interracial marriage, able to "understand" peoples of color's problems, and learn to do the Electric Slide!
Instead of repeatedly denying Robin Thicke a black pass, he could become a magical white boy.
Of course, there's something in all this for the good doctor, namely experiments. Just a lil' DNA from all the magical white boys and soon SCAN could start making their own magical white boys. SCAN could corner the market! Perfect the procedure and then ... SCAN could slowly start to phase out all the non-magical white boys. *Giddy with glee*
Agent Q, you know this is a good idea, kid! Don't even front! Instead of having white boys try to
steal swag co-opt everything we can create them with some style. Think about it. No more dated references to No Homo! Son, go to bat for me on this one! It's a sure fire grand slam.
TO: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy and Special Ops
FROM: The Secy. to the HNIC
RE: Category suggestion
The concept could be promising if properly utilized. To what end would these so-called "Magic White Boys" mean? Are these drones we are creating to infiltrate the white patriarchy to spy on its infrastructure? Are they a means of extracting revenues from people who swoon over a black man's tenor coming out of a white man's mouth in song? Is this an attempt at "pimping" the white man? Because while some members might be interested in an army of gullible Justin Timberfakes dead set on taking down our enemies (re: Bill O'Reilly, BET, the recording industry, the Uncle Ruckus Brigade, a terrorist group of rogue former SCAN agents intent on destroying black people, and menthol cigarettes, etc.), that does seem problematic in the long run.
Who will house and feed these magical white boys? Who will train them? How will they further the cause of self-sufficiency and success in the black community? Is this a "Manchurian Candidate" situation? And what about blow back? What if they learn too much about the inner workings of black society and possibly attempt to subvert it? We're already fighting a hostile takeover (per usual) with the NAACP. We don't feel like recruiting a bunch of white guys and then having some group like the NRA, PETA or the Green Party attempt take over SCAN.
Still, it wouldn't hurt to take a second look at Thicke. After all, Bob Deniro, current ambassador to the white folk is getting on in years and Roger Ebert has been too ill to participate in our cross-racial outreach program. But I don't know if we can extend full membership to Thicke at this time. (We have a backlog of white applicants looking for blackness credentials, including several re-filings by previously denied white people -- re: Kim Kardashian and Justin Timberlake.)
I might be able to get Thicke up for review at our next meeting, but some brothers have been grumbling that we aren't accepting enough pro-black white women into the program. They are threatening to filibuster Harry Connick Jr.'s full black pass credentials and that simply cannot happen.
Right now we have some feelers out to actress Ellen Pompeo of Grey's Anatomy, as she might be more palatable to some of our more ... ahem ... recalcitrant female board members who appear to be dead set on denying Kim Kardashian a pass of any kind. There are, after all, some standards as to what sort of good white folk we want in SCAN's fold. We can't be seen as lowering our standards and letting just anybody in, like that Coco person that New Jack City guy on Law & Order SVU is married to. I shudder at the thought.
SCAN only wants the best of the best of what white people have to offer. Like iPhones and Whole Foods.
Let's let this marinate until the board convenes.
Entry written by Stankonimilitant and The Black Snob