Notes from Top Secret "Operation: The Real David Palmer" Meeting in the Secret Council of American Negroes' Secret Underground Railroad Room hidden in the tunnels beneath a historic black church somewhere in Georgia
Secretary to the HNIC
The Big O
Former SCAN Councilman Jesse Jackson
Opposition Information specialist Michelle Barnard
Special Agent Suzanne Malveaux
Special Agent Hill Harper
Guest Rev. Al Sharpton
Guest Mitt Romney
Secretary to the HNIC: Everyone seems to be here so I suppose we should bring this meeting to order. HNIC?
The HNIC waves her hand and leans back in her chair looking out at the guests surrounding the table. At the very end sit the Rev. Al Sharpton and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. Both have burlap sacks over their heads.
Secy: I think we all know why we're all here. It's time to consider it.
Serious faces all around, a few frowns.
Councilwoman N: There could be blow back. Is now really the time?
SA Hill Harper: When will it be the time? People already think it's been deployed!
SA Suzanne Malveaux: Harper's right. It's only a matter of time.
Mitt Romney raises his hand.
Romney: Um ... Your excellencies or ma'ams or sirs or brothers, sisters, people ... um ... what on earth are we talking about?
Al Sharpton shoves Romney a little.
Sharpton: They're talking about The Race Card, fool.
Romney: Wait? There's an actual race card? Like ... really? I thought that was just something us white people said when we wanted to belittle your problems. No offense. My dad marched with Martin Luther King ... in spirit.
Sharpton: Can I please take this bag off my head?
Secy: Quiet! You are guests.
Sharpton: And what's up with my membership? I applied to be on this council ten years ago. I mean, I know your motto "We're on permanent CP time" but this is getting a little ridiculous. Who's blocking me from joining? Is it you, Jesse! You wanna be the only Civil Rights activist up in SCAN?
Jackson: I told you. These things take time.
Sharpton: My perm could organize a better march than you. And at least I know when to shut the fuck up. I don't even know how you could have him here. Is he even trust worthy? Wanting to cut off a nigger's balls and all.
Jackson: That was taken out of context.
The HNIC frowns.
Secy: LANGUAGE! Rev. Sharpton and Gov. Romney, you both know very well why you have to have those bags on your head. The identity of the HNIC must be protected at all times. I'd like to think that having a bag over your head is a minor inconvenience for the sake of all black people.
Romney: Right on, brother. I don't mind wearing the sack. Just happy to be here. I hate John McCain! Black power!
Secy: Seriously. You don't have to do that.
Romney: I'm sorry, brother.
Secy: And please stop calling me brother. [To all] To answer Gov. Romney's question, yes. We are talking about The Race Card. This meeting was called because some of us think Operation The Real David Palmer is in trouble and that if we don't use The Race Card now this whole race, this whole situation could be dead and done. SCAN will not, cannot allow this happen. We've been working on this operation for the last 50 years in its various incarnations.
Jackson: Until now the most successful was Operation Keep Hope Alive.
Sharpton: Wait? You backed his campaign but when I called ya'll asses out for some support when I ran in 2004 you were all ghost?
A few people in the room snicker.
Sharpton: Ya'll are bogus as hell. You picked that nursery rhyming cat, but didn't help me?
Secy: We were with you in spirit, Bro. Sharpton. But back to The Race Card ...
Harper: Does Brother Obama even know we're meeting about this? Doesn't he get final say?
The Big O: Special Agent Obama knows about Operation David Palmer, but he is not in charge of it ... I am. I've worked too hard and lost too much to see this slip away because of Tina Fey wants to take off her snowshoes and put down her moose burgers to play the trailer park MILF vice president to the Crypt Keeper ... MILF? Did I use that right? I normally don't use that word.
Secy: You used it beautifully, O. Nicely played.
Romney: That bitch.
Romney: That was supposed to be me!
Harper: It might have been you. He could have gone with Pawlenty.
Romney: Pawlenty? He's just a dull, ordinary Evangelical. I'm a Mormon. We're like Americanized Evangelicals on steroids. They say they love America but they refuse to believe that Jesus Christ came to America after the Resurrection. So I say the LDS kicks all their theocratic bigot asses. BLACK POWER!
Sharpton: Lawd, why did ya'll sit me next to this fool?
Romney: It was supposed to be me. But I'll make him pay. DAMN YOU, JOHN MCCAIN! The bitch isn't half the bitch I could have been. I'm so bitchier than she is. Why did I have to be born with a penis?
Romney begins sobbing. Suzanne Malveaux frowns then reaches out to pat him on the shoulder.
Malveaux: There. There. It will be ... OK.
Secy: Can we get back on the point of discussion?
Councilwoman N: If we were to deploy the race card how would we use it, who would use it and how would it benefit the operation?
Councilman X: It would have to be Bro. Jackson. He's the most experienced with it.
Councilman J: Bro. Jackson is still on probation.
Jackson: Once again, HNIC, Big O, a thousand apologizes, your excellencies.
The Big O: It can't be Jackson. Everyone is expecting it to be Jackson. It's too obvious. It would have to be someone white Americans actually respect and aren't intimidated by.
Councilman T: Will Smith?
The Big O: I was thinking Colin Powell, but Will Smith? That sounds good.
Councilwoman X: They could both do it. Deploy it on two fronts. Will Smith could do it virally through the internet and Powell could go on the Sunday talk shows or even hold a press conference calling on the racism in this political campaign. The Republicans won't know what hit them.
Councilman T: We could have Powell come out ... finally ... and endorse Obama then just whip it out, like, "You know what time it is. Beat that." The media, the Republicans won't know what hit 'em. Colin Powell and Will Smith are beloved Negroes, just like The Big O, and thus are the last Negroes they'd suspect.
The Big O: Sometimes I think I deployed my plan too early. Maybe if I'd just waited until after the primaries ... Instead I jumped up shouting "He is the one" like I was giving away cars.
Barnard: You all are talking crazy if you think Will Smith and Colin Powell are going to put their careers on the line for Operation David Palmer. They saw what happened to, O, and I'm sorry, Big O if I offend you in anyway because I respect you so much, but those white women turned on you like a flock of ravenous crows.
The Big O: After all I'd done for them. I gave them Rachel Ray and Dr. Phil and all they gave me was the finger.
Councilman X: Shit. Rachel Ray and Dr. Phil are reason enough to give you the finger alone.
The Big O gives an icy glare to Councilman X.
Councilman X: I'm sorry.
The Big O: Who else could deploy The Race Card?
Sharpton: Let me do, Big O! Gimmie a shot! I got Don Imus fired!
Harper: I thought it was the black executives and employees of NBC/Universal who got Imus fired?
Sharpton: I helped! And how is Hill Harper young ass up in here? He's still got Similac on his breath! He better have a bag on his head!
Barnard: I'm with Harper. Can we put a muzzle on him or something because I thought I'd be OK being in the same room with him with a bag on his head, but I'm still finding him disturbing.
Sharpton: Aren't you a Republican?
Barnard: I'm a center right independent.
Sharpton: Like I said, aren't you a Republican?
Secy: Rev. Sharpton, SCAN is a bipartisan organization. Now, please, before Ms. Barnard's suggestion comes to fruition.
Sharpton: I'm just saying. She could be a spy.
Barnard: I'm not a spy. And for the record I am against playing The Race Card, in any scenario and under any situation.
Sharpton: Like I said. She's a spy. Why would she be so against playing The Race Card? Donny Osmond over here is fine with it and he's a Republican.
Romney: Oh, we use The Race Card all the time. I mean, we're pros at it really. The biggest thing to do is imply that a black person is using The Race Card. That's called the Reverse Race Card, where you play the card by accusing the other person of playing it first. It's a great distraction technique. Not that I've ever used it myself. Down with the white man. Black power!
Malveaux: Michelle isn't a spy. She's been vetted.
Barnard: There has to be other options besides The Race Card. What about infiltrating the Palin camp? How is that mission going?
Secy: Agent Malveaux, how are things going with the Palins?
Malveaux: Todd is reluctant but he's still doing all he can to ruin his wife's campaign. Gov. Palin is busy practicing how to pronounce the names of foreign dignitaries. There's still a good chance it will just collapse all on its own, but there's no guarantee. It would have to be an astronomical slip up to shame McCain. I mean, the woman's a so-called family values morality candidate and has a pregnant teenage daughter. If they're willing to forgive that the most we can hope for is that she'll be a secret gay or will be caught running a dogfighting ring.
Secy: Gov. Romney? How's Mission Montezuma's Revenge going?
Romney: Oh, I'm really opening up some great things on all fronts. I've been advising both Palin and McCain on the economy and I just make shit up. They're so stupid. I told them we could pay down the national debt by selling the territories. Then I told Palin Hawaii was a territory and that the Japanese had already made an offer. It's great. They both don't have a fucking clue ... yet they're running for president and NOT ME! What did I do wrong? WHAT! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
Harper: You flipped on ever issue you'd ever campaigned on.
Barnard: You come off as plastic and insincere.
Councilman X: You would just lie for no reason. Like the shit with MLK and your dad. I mean, what the hell?
The Big O: I just don't like you. I don't even really have a reason. I just don't like you.
Sharpton: You're an asshole. How about that? Can you understand that? You're just an asshole.
Romney: OK. I get it ... but I could still be president, right? In 2012? You can learn how to fake sincerity right? How do you do it Jesse?
Sharpton: You faked your support to embarrass your ass on national television.
Jackson: I can support Agent Obama and still disagree with him.
Sharpton: Nuts! You said cut off his nuts!
Secy: Please! This is getting us nowhere.
Jackson: So what are we doing? Are we calling Colin?
Everyone looks around at each other.
The Big O: I'll do it personally. He trusts me.
Barnard: This is a mistake.
Secy: Let's vote on it. All in favor of deploying the race card?
Everyone's hands go up except for the HNIC, Michelle Barnard and Suzanne Malveaux. Romney has raised his hand the highest to the point that he is almost out of his chair.
Romney: Play it, HNIC! Play it!
Secy: All opposed?
Only Michelle and Suzanne's hands come up.
Secy: HNIC? You have the final say in all this. It seems the committee wants to go ahead and deploy the race card. We'll need the launch codes.
The HNIC looks at the secretary, then the committee.
HNIC: Not yet. Let's wait until after the debates and meet again then.
Romney: But that might be too late!
Secy: Silence. The HNIC has spoken. We'll hold off on playing The Race Card ... for now. Meeting adjourned.