SCAN Alert: Have You Seen This Man?

He is wanted for "Extreme Awkwardness While Tangentially Endorsing a Bigoted View."

The man (pictured in this grainy SCAN black ops photo taken at the event) was seen on Feb. 26 in Cincinnati, Ohio holding a "John McCain for President" sign, sometimes uncomfortably, as a conservative radio personality repeatedly referred to Democratic nominee candidate Barack Obama by his middle name, Hussein.

Video evidence from ABC News of his awkwardness is documented after 00:28 into this clip posted below.

SCAN Salutes: The Students of Prairie View A&M University

The Secret Council of American Negroes salutes the students of Prairie View A&M University in Prairie View, TX for holding one of the most relevant and inspiring marches for the cause of civil rights in recent memory.

This was a refreshing change as SCAN is often disappointed by the misuse and abuse of one of the most sacred protest techniques used by American Negroes. The march was once sacred, an effective tool of black resistance through non-violent, peaceful means. The March on Washington, the marches that spawned by Bloody Sunday and lead to the March from Selma to Montgomery, and numerous less publicized, but equally legitimate ones, all were courageous and mature acts of protest that had specific results in mind.


But, of course, times changed and all sorts of folks started using the symbolic statement of the march to further their own less well thought out goals. Who can forget (or remember?) these “marches”:

• Rev. Al Sharpton’s March for Decency in Hip-Hop (because the lyrics are too dirty)
• Rev. Jesse Jackson’s March on Hollywood (just because)
• 50 Cent’s March for Dirtier Lyrics at an Atlanta Strip Club (which was actually pretty well attended)
• Poochie Williams’ March against it being too hot in Alabama every July (shortened due to the heat)

In any case, a big SCAN salute to the students of Prairie View A&M University. There is no more important civil rights issue than what concerns the right to vote. And there is no more effective tool than the march to shine a bright light on real bigotry and injustice wherever it lurks.

Submitted by Chicago operative The Blue

SCAN Mailbag: Dr. Jackson answers questions about the Democratic race, the Oscars and more

By Rutherford Hosiah Jackson, III, PhD
Negro Professor Emetrius

Dr. Jackson answers your most pertinent questions.

Q: Why was Obama grilled on Farrakhan during the last debate? Is Farrakhan still considered influential? Rufus G., Houston

A: To combat the charges of sexism leveled at the national media by the Clinton campaign, MSNBC thought it prudent to throw in a little racism and anti-Semitism to balance the scales a bit. It failed. And no, Louis Farrakhan is not influential anymore.

Q: Was Tavis Smiley’s State of the Black Union a success? Sidney W., Charleston SC

A: Was that a SCAN sanctioned event? I don’t believe I’ve heard of it or this “Smiley” person, if that is, in fact, his name.

Q: Is SCAN worried about the fact that it is a mortal lock that the GOP/conservative movement is about five minutes from waging the single most racist presidential campaign ever seen? Marion J., Los Angeles

A: No. The benefit of having as talented an American Negro as Barack Obama running is the sheer joy it will be to watch him smoothly disarm the right wing nut jobs attack after ludicrous attack. In fact, he’ll be so good at deflecting irrelevant criticism that it’ll start to get boring. Wake us when they start claiming he’s actually a gay, Arab-speaking gangsta-rapper from Mexico. That’ll be good TV.

Q: In the wake of Norbit I have to ask: Will Eddie Murphy do anything for a paycheck? Jonathan F., Chicago

A: We’ve actually sent out “cease and desist” orders to Hollywood not to entertain any scripts for Mr. Murphy as he is not capable of turning down a role no matter how many dresses he has to wear in it.

Q: What does SCAN think was the best part of the Oscars? Leon Q., Columbus OH

A: Three things: 1) The adorable 11 eleven year-old who could really, really sing. 2) Only one Negro was denied an Oscar this year instead of the usual quota of two snubs. 3) Any awards ceremony without another outburst from Kanye West is a relished treasure.

------
Rutherford Hosiah Jackson III, PhD. is Professor Emeritus of Negro Studies at historic black institution, Beechwood College in beautiful Macon, Ga. He is the author of several books including “Dick Gregory Is Right” and “Finding Your Inner Field Negro.” If you have questions about Blackness, SCAN has answers. Send your questions to SCAN.

Submitted by Chicago operative The Blue

Justin Timberlake, you are not black

Dear Justin Timberlake,

This is a letter from the Secret Council of American Negroes regarding the status of your request of a formal decree of blackness.

We apologize that SCAN has taken so long in processing your application, but our organization has had a severe backlog of white people who aspire for a "ghetto pass" or "honorary Negro" status.

The formalities and prerequisites to meet the high standard of "blackness" often takes years to digest as SCAN does not want to give a honor as coveted as "musically black" to any person who fancies "pop n' lock" routines and groping Michael Jackson's little sister. Blackness is not a fetish or a passing fad. Blackness is a way of life and a state of mind.

Your request seems very earnest as you filed all your paper work properly with the Los Angeles chapter of SCAN, including letters of recommendation by ethnic black Americans people including Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, Timothy Z. Mosley and Pharell Williams. But many things have changed since your original application.

1.) Janet Jackson has rescinded her letter of recommendation and Michael Jackson has distanced himself from his initial endorsement. One would think that Mr. Jackson wouldn't have much pull in SCAN, but never underestimate black people's love of "Thriller." Jackson specifically cited you as abusing blackness by wanting to be "black enough" to "bump and grind" Ms. Jackson on the stage at Super Bowl XXXVIII in 2004, but denied any blackness during the media fallout after her bare breast was exposed for less than a second on national television.

Mr. Timberlake threw me under the bus. He was up on that stage with me, wanting to take advantage of my very sexy and very popular blackness to advance his career. He said he admired myself and my brother, who as you know made "Thriller," but when he grabbed the top of my costume and my "wardrobe malfunctioned" Timberlake ran as far from blackness as he could. He did not call me to apologize or even ask how I was doing. He did not defend me in the press. There were two people up on that stage, one BLACK and one a wannabe BLACK and wouldn't you know it, Mr. Timberlake rediscovered his whiteness. It was the BLACK person who took all the blame. My career has not been the same since!

SCAN cannot ignore these claims. She is Janet Jackson. Her brother made "Thriller." Despite the Jacksons' sometimes "curious" public behavior, they have never disavowed their blackness, even at the height of Mr. Jackson's translucency.

2.) Despite Mr. Mosley and Mr. Williams still standing by their letters of recommendation we've received countless "blackness violations" from black music critics and artists who complain you stole your style and dress from other black artists and are unfairly riding a wave of success based on the credibility and talent of Mosley and Williams. Prince was very adamant in telling us that he didn't know "(Timberlake) brought sexy back. Sexy never left!" Also, another member of the recording industry, who did not want his name released, has aggressively and repeatedly lobbied SCAN for the last four years to not approve your application.

I never liked his ass. From jump. I mean, I know a couple years back I said we were cool, but it was for show. I still remember how in 2003 this dude was claiming he was better than Michael Jackson. I'm like slow up, homie. I'm still standing. I'm right here. Platinum, baby. And I was never in no corny "boy band." I've been a "mack" since I was 12 years old. I've been in the game since I was 12. This dude is not better than me. He's not better than Michael Jackson. I mean, if anybody is even close to Michael Jackson, it's me.

He's getting all this attention? For what? I tell you. For what? He has NOT MET THE STANDARD! He is standing on Tim and Pharell's shoulders basking in the black cred that he did not earn. If Justin was black we wouldn't even know who he is. His falsetto ain't even as good as Robin Thicke's falsetto. He don't give you feelings like Tina Marie. He ain't even fucking Michael MacDonald.

If Justin was black trying to make it in the business the competition would be too tough. He'd be lucky if he made it to the sucka section, fighting with Ne-Yo and Mario and all those "Oh" boys. Or he'd be hanging out with Ray J and Tevin Campbell, who, mind you, I fucking destroyed when I was only 15. FIFTEEN! And Tevin could at least sing. Timberlake's name shouldn't come out NOBODIES mouth next to mine! I make it BURN, dammit! People wanna be me, smell like me. I'm not in competition with anyone but myself.

3.) SCAN's Black Education Program has reported that you only completed half of your blackness correspondence courses and recently received a grade of "incomplete" for the mandatory classes of "Black Music History 102: How White Artists Appropriated the 'Cool' of Blackness Without the Burden" and "My Blackness, Myself: An Introspective Journey to A White Man's Inner Blackness" conducted by Robert De Niro.

Mr. De Niro, though understanding, wrote in his recommendations that he is not sure about your level of "dedication" to becoming a "black" man.

It's more than songs and beats and the girls, although the sisters are very attractive. But it's heart. You have to feel it ... right there. I look at my son, who's mother is black and I look at Barack Obama and I think "if loving black is wrong I just, I just don't wanna be right." Know what I'm saying? It's not about show. I don't try to "act" black. One can't "act" black. That's the problem with some white people. They don't get it. You have to "be" black. Live black. Love black. Good and bad. I have to say I question his dedication. His heart. I've seen white guys like him before. Maybe when he's older, but right now? Maybe not. I don't know. You're the authorities on these things.

De Niro, who converted to Blackness twenty years ago, is not a member of SCAN, but his opinion does carry weight within the organization. It is because of his recommendations, the concerns of an important member of the music industry and your cowardice during one of the darkest periods in Ms. Jackson's life that we must put your status down as "Blackness Denied Upon Further Review."

You will be required to begin the process anew with new letters of recommendations and your Temporary Black Affiliation Status (TBAS) will be discontinued. Until the matter of your status is settled your are banned from all displays of public blackness. This includes "trying to appropriate black slang and drawl," beat boxing and performing "pop 'n lock" routines. If you continue to act black in public fines will be levied and the infractions could lead to a warrant issued for your arrest by The Drop Squad.

We at SCAN sincerely hope it will not come to this.


Sincerely,


Cheri Buttons
SCAN Blackness Intake Supervisor, California Division

America: The World's Worst Boyfriend

Satire
BLACK AMERICA DEMANDS WHITE AMERICA TO STOP "MESSING AROUND" AND JUST MARRY HER ALREADY.

SCAN News Service

Athena Le Trelle Hemmings, long time girlfriend of the United States of America, threatened to dump her famous beaux after he refused to marry her.

Friends of Hemmings said the break-up happened suddenly when America came up with another excuse not to bring Hemmings home to America's birth place of Boston, Mass. to meet his family.

"She said asked him if it was because she was black and he said it wasn't. Then he said he was just waiting for the right time," said one source close to Hemmings.

It was then Hemmings reportedly threw one of America's law textbooks at his head, nearly hitting him and began screaming about how she worked hard to put him through school and had given him more than 36 million children and was "tired of the bullshit."

America then told Hemmings she should just "go back to Africa" if she hated him that much. Sources say Hemmings then stormed out of their Sommerville, Mass. apartment screaming that he should perform an unspeakable sexual act upon himself.

This was the latest setback in a decades long relationship. While staying at her sister's house in Washington, D.C. Hemmings only said that she was "tired of him telling his friends that she was 'a friend of his sister or something.'"

Sources close to the couple say this was an improvement as in the past America was known for passing off Hemmings as his "maid."

"We had no idea he even had a girlfriend," said one classmate of America. "I mean, we saw him with a lot of hot girls but nothing serious. I think I saw her at his graduation a few years back giving him a hug, but when I asked America who the black chick was he said he didn't know and that she probably confused him with someone else. But he totally copped a feel in front of everyone, but I didn’t think anything of it because that’s just how America is. He’s kind of handsy.

"And he was probably drunk,” he added.

Friends of America said rumors of the relationship were confirmed two years ago when, while drunk, America confessed that he had a "thing" for black women even though they were "like mental or something, but totally hot," one source said. He then went on to say that he "just couldn't quit" Hemmings, but wouldn't say if he loved her or not. A friend said when America sobered up from that drunken admission he claimed that he was just “experimenting” with black women in college because he was really into hip hop at the time.

Friends say US America doesn't appreciate all Athena Hemmings does for him.

Hemmings and America's pseudo relationship began when both were volunteers at a drug rehab center. America was there meeting the obligation of a recent DUI conviction in Maryland where he sideswiped a family of five in a Volvo after a night of drinking in Prince George's County.

Close friends on both sides said America pursued Hemmings aggressively. In a matter of weeks they’d moved into an apartment in Sommerville, Mass. together. And after America’s parents cut him off financially Hemmings worked nights, putting her post-graduate degree on hold to put America through Harvard Law School.

"Athena always liked white boys. I don't know why," said one close friend. "The Republic of Cuba tried to get with her I don't know how many times but she just shined him on. I could tell America wasn't no good because I heard how he did Vietnam. That shit was messed up. I could see America as a fling, but settle down? She's in denial."

America is now a very wealthy attorney managing a hedge fund on Wall Street. But Hemmings hasn't enjoyed much of America's now lavish lifestyle. Sources say America gave excuse after excuse as to why they didn’t go out in public together, why he hadn’t introduced Hemmings to his family and friends and why some people still thought Hemmings was the maid. Friends say America "sweet talked" Hemmings into not taking him to court for child support, settling for America "buying a box of Pampers once in a while."

America, a known womanizer, also had torrid affairs with Venezuela, Iran and Iraq, all which ended badly. He's now rumored to be aggressively pursuing current “It” girl gone bad on the international scene, the People's Republic of China.

“Asian girls are in right now,” a friend of America said. “They’re hot and submissive, you know? Not like Western chicks who are all ‘liberated.’ I wish they’d liberate something other than their mouths with all the bitching.”

Hemmings was reportedly “devastated” last year when her fears of America’s cheating were confirmed after he gave her “the clap,” which he’d contacted from his other girlfriend, Puerto Rico.

Hemmings reportedly has asked America when he’s going to “claim” her and publicly declare both his wrongs and his love for her. Many believe Hemmings isn't likely to hear those words any time soon. She has been with America for nearly a decade and is the mother of his estimated 36 million children. Many close to Hemmings argue that America has gone on too long not acknowledging how Hemmings helped make America the successful man he is today.

But America's friends say that it's acceptable to delay marriage and "just live together and see how it goes” and some argue that despite the fact that America and Hemmings lead virtually separate lives they’re still “equals."

"He doesn't want to be tied down," said France, America's oldest friend. "I honestly don't see what the big deal is. I've been with Senegal for years and she's perfectly fine with the arrangement. I mean, seriously. Who doesn't have a few countries on the side? America's a good looking, young rich guy. I say, let him have his fun. She should just be happy to be with him. Without him she’d be starving to death somewhere in Africa, right? She’s totally better off this way."

Still, others like America’s friend Canada thinks he should consider some peacemaking gesture.

“At the end of the day Athena and US are going to be together no matter what either of them says,” he said. “Once you go black, you can't send them back.”

Introductory Letter from the SCAN Public Negro Handbook, 1933 Edition

January 19, 1933



Dear Distinguished Negro,

Welcome! Your recent fame and success has lead you to the public life of a distinguished Negro. We at the Secret Council of American Negroes want to congratulate you on your newfound success. But with that success comes great responsibility as being a Negro does not mean one can simply relax and enjoy their new prominence, for in these difficult days since the Great Emancipation Negroes of note are scrutinized in ways that our fellow white Americans could ever imagine.

Because of this we have sent along the 1930 edition of our SCAN handbook, commonly referred as the "Bible" for newly famed Negroes. While you may take in the handbook at your leisure, encourage you to read it in its entirety to better prepare you for the life fame has brought you.

For a sampling of the knowledge to be found inside the tome, please read the passage from the first chapter of the book:

Hate Mail and Death Threats, How to Avoid Them

At SCAN we have a truism, when you get your first death threat you will know that you truly are a famed Negro. Levity aside. Until race relations in the United States improves, this will simply be a part of life, but to insure your safety we have a few suggestions.

Firstly, if you live in any part of the American south you should move.

Seriously. You should do it. Now.

We really can't emphasize this enough. There is a saying in many parts of the south, a rallying crying of "I can't have it, no (Negro) should have it!" For example, many eyebrows will be raised if every white man in Weedpatch is driving a used Model T, or worse yet, still a horse and carriage, and the Negro is jollying about in a Studebaker with whitewall tires.

In most of the south, driving a Studebaker while black will get you killed.

But don't get depressed! There are many places where you can live that would be less dangerous and limiting. Unfortunately most of those places are not in the United States. (Other successful Negroes have found luck in the Caribbean, Paris, Liberia and even South America.) SCAN would prefer you to stay in the US and make the best of it for the benefit of all Negroes.

If you do choose to do this, adhere to some additional advice:

Live in urban areas like Harlem, NY or Chicago, Ill. There is safety in numbers, unless the National Guard turns on you, as was the case with our poor brothers and sisters who perished in the murderous East St. Louis Race Riots of 1917.

Helpful hint: Always keep a loaded gun nearby. Many SCAN members spent their formative years after the Emancipation hiding under our cots while Papa clung in one hand our mother and in the other his shotgun screaming that if the Klan wanted us he was taking every Peckerwood in Georgia down with us. The Klan backed off, but keep in mind, a loaded shotgun and planned escape routes if the rebels set our house on fire could only keep our members safe for so long. Eventually Mama and Papa moved us to Gary, Indiana. So seriously. Move.

Secondly, don't date a white woman. We can't say this enough to our male Negroes of note. One should not attempt this if you want to reduce your chances of dying in a horrible and/or undignified manner. We have a saying at SCAN, "Stay ALIVE. Marry a Negress!"

Surprising fact! Did you know that Negro men of fame who marry their same race tend to run at least a 50 percent chance of not dying by lynching, drowning, gun shot, several gun shots, poisoning, stabbing, public beatings, private beatings or electrocution? Negro women aren't just beautiful and loving, my Colored men of success - they'll keep you alive. Think about it!

Thirdly, never admit to owning something that a white man may not own. As a Negro of note you are going to have to do some interracial mingling (but, if you're not a Colored woman of note, this not advisably be with white women) where you will converse with educated white folk of class. White folk of this stature may be sympathetic, even friendly towards Negroes but that could all shrivel up and die the moment they learn that you may own something that either A) they do not own or B) that they do own, but don't think you should own.

Even those most sympathetic of whites like to believe that us Coloreds are but ignorant, wretched children of unfortunate fate who need the warm embrace of a caring white man to save us from our racist tormentors and/or ourselves.

Yes. I know. It is annoying. No one likes to spend time playing to the vanity of insecure hosts. But it's simply a fact of our times that while you may be talented or highly intelligent or, dare I say it, wealthy and good looking, please keep your white peers at ease with the occasional joke about picking cotton, or marvel at some doodad in their home and mistake it for finery from the Orient. Mispronounce a big word.

But please, don't drive the Studebaker to the party. Don't mention your recent vacation in the Islands. Don't wear the diamond cuff links. Don't have your wife or date show up in a Chanel dress you had shipped from France. Don't say you just heard that new Al Jolson album on your Victrola. Don't eat your host's food and compare it to something your Irish maid would make. We can't tell you how many things are wrong with that last sentence. Surely your own demise would be imminent if this statement were uttered.

It might hurt your pride a little when your new contemporaries are snickering at you because you look stupid in those white spats, ducktails and slicked conked hair (we'll instruct you how to dress in chapter two), and you keep pronouncing "question" as "qwerstion" because that was the common vernacular back in Texarkana. Your first instinct might be to let it slip that you took a holiday to Martha's Vineyard last weekend where you gave your wife a band of gold spun from the tooth fillings of Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson. Then to bring it home you would add a quip about how you and her would later, high on cocaine and absinthe, mock a young white woman on a bicycle by making lewd sounds and gestures as you sped around the island that cursed Studebaker.

But seriously, no matter how good it might feel don't do this if you want to live.

And there are 1,823 pages more where that came from!

We can't emphasize enough, you really need to read the handbook. There are more tips involving money, fashion, homes, speaking to white people, education, networking, selecting the right black social organization to join, choosing what role you will take in the long fight for Civil Rights, learning how to protect your eyes and mouth if you are dragged out of your car by an unruly mob, how to escape from the grips of an unruly mob, where to shop, what schools you should send your children to, how to defect to France if you are threatened with unlawful imprisonment, how to properly argue for your right to die for your country as a combat soldier and how to understand and intermingle with Negroes outside of your class range.

And there's even more! From our entire history dating back to Africa to up from now and how to make the perfect sweet potato pie. It's all in there.

Also as a newly minted Colored of class, we will send you more materials on SCAN events, courses, meetings and therapeutic retreats. If you ever feel you need SCANs help, like if you've become dependent on drink or heroin, or if you need help getting a lawyer or out of the country, SCAN is there to jimmy the locks and shuttle you away from false murderous persecution. At SCAN we are here to help you because your public face represents the Colored race.

Sincerely yours in Negroness,


Walter Francis White
SCAN Precinct Captain #37, freshman intake chair
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The Secret Council of American Negroes
Working for the Benefit of Negroes In Shared Sacrifice and Glory Since 1865

WHO WE ARE

The Secret Council of American Negroes was founded in 1865 by former slave and American abolitionist, "The Lion of Anacostia," Frederick Douglass. . Douglass is the preeminent, final word in Black American History. His life story is legend. And he believed in freedom for all. The motto of his newspaper, The North Star, was "Right is of no Sex — Truth is of no Color — God is the Father of us all, and we are all brethren."

He also said, "Without struggle there is no progress."

Douglass formed SCAN at the end of the Civil War after President Lincoln's assassination. The group was to be a secret shadow organization meant to monitor and promote black progress. Through money, guidance and education, SCAN has worked as an invisible hand setting the black agenda, guiding former slaves to salvation in fruitful, productive lives.

SCAN only wants to help. We have set the black agenda for decades now. Some of the most esteemed members of black society, Ida B. Wells, Harriet Tubman, Dr. Charles S. Drew, WEB DuBois, Booker T. Washington, Mary McLeod Bethune and Thurgood Marshall are among some of our more well known elite and past chairpersons. It is SCAN who decids who is right and who is wrong. We determine what you can say and cannot say. We decree what issues we will fight for or against. We choose the party and the candidate you should vote for. We do what's in the best interest of you, black Americans. We have your best interest at heart. We want to work with you to combat ignorant stereotypes and "buffoonish" behavior involving many embarrassing blacks, from politicians to celebrities to authors to activits. No one is too big or too small to get a scolding and a trip to blackabilitation for reassessment.

We want YOU to know that we are always watching and we are everywhere. SCAN may be secretive, but our membership is vast and reaches into every segment of American life. We may be your co-workers, your friends, your doctor or your professor. Our operatives are always out in the field doing surveillance, documenting the horrors of ignorance so we can expose the tomfoolery and get back to making black America a better place.

We are the educated, the sophisticated, the mysterious and all-powerful, all-knowing secret black organization all your white friends have been asking you about.

SCAN The Last Word on Blackness
---------------

Join SCAN ... because you want to be part of the most meticulous, self-important, socially atavist, addleplated, secret discourse of termidity ever foisted upon mankind.

Passing is for suckers: Beyond the One-Drop-Rule

Not-black-black people clip of the week. From left to right, CNN reporter Soledad O'Brien, actor Wentworth Miller, CNN political reporter Suzanne Malveaux, and major league baseball star Grady Sizemore.

In a post one-drop-rule world, The Secret Council of American Negroes tips their hat to our successful, paler brothers and sisters who are in highly visible positions, behaving well, and not afraid to embrace the black along with the 20 other ethnicities flowing within them. These not-black-black-people are to be admired, unlike Nicole Richie, who is on notice to be voted out of the race. We've already sent her to black rehab a few times. She seems to be doing better with the help and money of her father Lionel Richie.

As for our not-black-black-people honorees:

Soledad O'Brien (who is too talented for CNN. We think CBS should fire Couric and get some Soledad in their lives) is Australian, Irish and Cuban and is a member of both the National Association of Black Journalists and the National Association Hispanic Journalists.

Wentworth Miller is a little bit of everything, claiming African-American, English, Italian, German-Jewish and part Cheroke, Russian, French, Dutch and Lebanese as his ancestry (the more the merrier I suppose). While he plays "el hombre blanco" on "Prison Break," he openly claims his half-black heritage and was featured in the film adaptation of "The Human Stain." He was good. The rest of the film, not so good.

Suzanne Malveaux comes from the black elite, a descendant of educated and successful Louisiana coloreds. She is of African, Spanish and French descent. At CNN she's very hard-hitting and smart. She has no tolerance for filler or inane banter.

Grady Sizemore was one of the few baseball players who wore Jackie Robinson's number last year during the celebration of baseball breaking the color barrier. Many people were surprised to learn that Grady's "Jew-fro" was really an "afro." His background is less complex, his mother is white and his father is black.

Kim, You Are Not Black

To Kim Kardashian, we are sorry to inform you that you are not black. You are not even black by association. We know that black men are attracted to you and your posterior, which is considered ideal within the world of black beauty. But seriously. You don't get to be black just because your butt is round, you like to wear gaudy colors and you sleep with black men. If we didn't give Madonna an African American Express card in the 90s we aren't going to make a pass for you now.

Therefore we are sorry, but we have to deny your current application. We appreciate your present boyfriend, football star Reggie Bush's vouching, but he doesn't not have enough clout in SCAN to make that happen. Please try applying for a pass when your resume consists of more than a sex tape with Brandy Norwood's little brother and lots of cheap magazine, pre-coitus-esque spreads of you and your rear end.

Thank you.

This is the future home of the Secret Council of American Negroes

And its conservative sister organization, Negroes of North America






















Our Founder, Frederick Douglass

Posers. Consider yourself on notice, because payback is going live this spring.