Wouldn't You Like to Get Away?

We at the Secret Council of American Negroes believe that every Negro life is worth saving, even those that some would argue have run their course, done blackness far too much damage and cannot be saved. At SCAN we NEVER GIVE UP on our once esteemed, now fallen "Negroes of Note." We will exhaust every effort to rehabilitate, recalibrate, renovate, levitate and enunciate our brothers and sisters until they are reinvigorated with love for the cause and can do no more damage to themselves or others.

Due to a recent vote among SCAN representatives nationwide the organization is officially opening the books and allowing members to finally take a glance at our time honored Dr. Charles S. Drew Rehabilitation Facility located on SCAN's Island Fortress Retreat on Grand Saint Sojourner Island.

Here at Grand Saint Sojourner, which SCAN shares with natives of the Caribbean and our sister organization Negroes of North America, we house multiple living, medical and re-education facilities that work to correct the wrongs of racism, moral bankruptcy and incredible stupidity.

Former patients recently reintroduced to society include Whitney Houston and Nicole Richie. As we speak, Celebrity SCAN Rehabilitation Professional Christian Therapist Denise Katrina Matthews is on her way to pick up formerly incarcerated Rapstress Inga Fung Marchand for some "divine nasty girl intervention."

A former patient, Matthews has become one of SCAN's most ardent spokespersons intervening with recalcitrant black celebrities and advocating why these individuals need to "Get right with themselves," often testifying how she "was once out of (her) mind" but is now "right with blackness! That you, JESUS!"

She can get a little preachy, but she's a good woman.

Also, on an unrelated note, she makes excellent French toast. When at the Fortress she will often reward "good" patients with a delicious, eggy batch of her divine, gooey cinnamon-flavored confection.

"Bad" patients get cold grits.

Other well known celebrities we have helped include James Brown, Sean Combs, Whoopi Goldberg, Darryl Strawberry, Martin Lawrence, former DC Mayor Marion Berry, Oprah Winfery (Don't act so surprised. Even Diamond-level SCAN members need to buy their own four or six acres of Fortress property and have their own hospital staff in-between weight-loss/powerful-rich-woman stress cycles), Halle Berry, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson (A work in progress! We do not give up ... unless) and Mike Tyson (who, sadly, has been declared a "lost cause" since the late 1990s. We're here if you ever get a clue, Mike.)

We also offer marriage counseling (You made it through the rain, Shaq and Shaunie ... we hope), anger management (Naomi Campbell, Matthews said she will not sue you but will continue to pray for your Satan-bound soul) and college correspondence courses (You will take pretty one day, Sir Charles).

SCAN will be allowing Gold-level SCAN members a once-in-a-lifetime tour of the facility so check for your golden blackness tickets in the mail. But please, do not become so enraptured by the crystal blue waters, gorgeous sunshine and golden-glazed Vanity special French toast that you plan to habitually ruin your sobriety around Christmas time every year. We will send you to the Drew facility next to the US Embassy in Haiti. They only have ONE sous chef and you know how much you enjoy the latest French cuisine!

Here are some other facts about our historic facility:

* Our highest peak is called "Saint Michael," but not for the Catholic saint. Michael Jackson has donated more than $250 million dollars to the island fortress. After he paid for the heliport on the highest peak we ran out of excuses why nothing on the island was named after him.

* The Fortress is fully staffed with everything a Negro with issues needs. From Foie gras and Chilean sea bass for the discriminating palette. Cheetoes, hot pickles and packs of Now-n-Laters for those ... less discriminating.

* Saint Sojourner is named after former slave, abolitionist and proto-feminist Sojourner Truth. She was canonized in 1912 by excommunicated, rebel African Brazilian priest, Father Robeirto de la Llamas who would go on to create the secretive banned Catholic sect of La Virgen Negra, where he named himself "the Black Pope."

The Black Vatican is located on Saint Sojourner where Pope Robeirto and his successors are buried.

But, please, be discrete about the "Black Pope" thing.

* Saint Sojourner Island Fortress is run completely on geo-thermal energy. That and it's about 80 degrees year-round.

* No private cars are allowed on the fortress. Those Hummers and Escalades were harming the 250-year-old cobblestone streets. Also, it made it easier to wrangle the more habitual offenders.

* The year-round residents of Sojourner Island include esteemed SCAN academics, doctors and unheralded Negroes run out of the Americas for being "uppity." The island also contains the native Boa people who are half Negro and half Polynesian.

They're nice, but please, don't comment on their haircuts and love of Robitussin. It's rude.

* Saint Sojourner is presently home to the first black American Pope, Leonardo T. Briggs, of Pin Point, Ga. who holds mass three times week and enjoys the crispy, sugary Monte Cristo sandwiches Matthews often prepares and feeds to him directly.

We know what your dirty mind is thinking, but the Black Pope is completely chaste. And Matthews just likes feeding him Monte Cristos. It's a very good Monte Cristo. That woman really knows how to brown bread.

* Saint Sojourner, while technically still part of the United Kingdom, is a mostly autonomous state. It generates most of its wealth through the rehabilitation center, Oprah's fortress estate, sugar cane, manufacturing Malibu Coconut Rum and 99 different flavors of St. Sojourner brand incense.

It burns twice as long and is twice as pungent!

* Bob Marley and Marvin Gaye famously broke into the island's rum reserves and nearly OD'ed. But we nursed them back to health. At SCAN we have a slogan, "Die on someone else's watch."

SCAN is proud to say that no celebrity has died on our premises.

* Seriously. Don't blow your sobriety to come back here. After three visits we start assuming you're not serious about getting well and we drop you off at America's third best methadone clinic in Gary, Indiana.

You've been warned.

SCAN Editorial: Has Alicia Keys Lost Her Friggin' Mind?!?

By AverageBro, for SCAN

I've never been the biggest Alicia Keys fan. Not because I don't like her somewhat bland and overly-hyped music, but mainly because I just don't really mess with R&B like that much nowadays. Yeah, I'm cool with Dwele, and that recent Erykah Badu was a-ite, but overall, I spend more time on the AM dial, far removed from the thump and bump of the typical Hot/Power/Kiss genre of playlist-driven stations. When I do listen to music on the radio, I'm far more of an "urban contemporary" or "smooth jazz" guy.

And besides, I'm just not feelin' those damn vocoders.[1]

[Editor's Note: I'm also prolly still a little salty over that India.Arie/Grammy thing a few years back. And I know India's career has since fizzled and she's back to working the 3rd shift at Denny's, but still, she got straight robbed!]

That said, while I generally find Keys to be relatively inoffensive Starbucks background music and little more, I wonder exactly what was she sippin' when she went all Dale Gribble[2] on us and gave these quotes during a recent interview with Blender Magazine.

There’s another side to Alicia Keys: conspiracy theorist.

The Grammy-winning singer-songwriter tells Blender magazine: "‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other. ‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist."

Though she’s known for her romantic tunes, she told Blender that she wants to write more political songs. If black leaders such as the late Black Panther Huey Newton "had the outlets our musicians have today, it’d be global. I have to figure out a way to do it myself," she said.

Keys, 27, said she’s read several Black Panther autobiographies and wears a gold AK-47 pendant around her neck "to symbolize strength, power and killing ’em dead," according to an interview in the magazine’s May issue, on newsstands Tuesday.

Another of her theories: That the bi coastal feud between slain rappers Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G. was fueled "by the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing."

This whole thing reminds me of that old Chris Rock routine. Just put on your headphones and fast forward to the 40 second mark.

"MLK was assassinated. Malcolm X was assassinated. Them two Negroes got shot!"

Alicia Keys, please stick to your formulaic piano ballads and leave the Biggie and Pac conspiracy theories to the LA Times.

Question: Is Alicia Keys making any sense?

Alicia Keys shares her conspiracy theories on 'gangsta rap' [NY Daily News]

[1] Seriously, what the hell is Mariah Carey doing singing with a vocoder? She actually has talent. My "The Vocoder Is Ruining My Life" Post is coming later this week. Stay tuned.

[2] Only the best character from the best animated TV series evar, just in case you were wondering.

All Points Bulletin!

Don't let the smooth taste fool you!

SCAN is currently accepting new blackness license applications (and trying to round up rouges practicing blackness without their papers). Only YOU can fight posers! Alert SCAN to posers you've spotted via email: blacksnob@gmail.com.

And feel free to borrow the "Wanted: Slick Willy" poster, just give SCAN a shout, would you please?

Thank you kindly!

Yours truly in blackness,

The Black Snob
Editor
SCAN Precinct Captain, Midwest Division

Kevin Federline, You Are Not Black

APPLICATION FOR BLACKNESS LICENSE

STATUS: DENIED

Name: Federline, Kevin Earl

Address: REDACTRED

Education: I’m getting my GED. For real this time. And I got a degree from the Americas Institute Online. It’s in Pimpology. I’m just kidding. There ain’t no Americas Institute. But I’m still a straight up PIMP!

Occupation: Man of leisure and full time “Spremologist.” I can get any bitch pregnant at any time. Women get pregnant just from looking at my photograph. I’m that good.

Skills: Dancing. Rapping. Showing up at Vegas casino parties 4 cash. Being more competent than Britney. When the babies are hungry I totally know how to call someone to come get they cute little asses and feed them. Kids love me.

Have you applied for a license before and been denied? I applied three times and ya’ll mutha fuckas denied me three times.

If yes, what were the reasons for your most recent denial? Ya’ll said I was practicing blackness without a license. Do it look like I’m practicing this shizz, mutha fuckas? Diss is me! Diss here is my life! I was voted most likely to be on “Cops” in the seventh grade. I’m the biggest ghetto mutha fucka to come out of Clovis, ya feel me? Nah, you don’t. Cause ya’ll keep denying my ass. APPROVE THIS SHIT! Let me in! I’m blacker than piano keys and I’m talking the little black piano keys, not the big white ones.

Have you ever been convicted for a felony? Prolly.

If yes, was it the white man’s fault? Fo sho.

If yes, please explain why and how? Always tryin’ to keep a white nigger person down. Haters.

What do you think qualifies you to be legally “black?” Made half-black babies with a 100 percent black woman and made white babies with a 100 percent white woman. Ain’t married to none of ‘em. I gots mo' game than Playstation. Now what you gonna do?

Name three “Negroes of Note” who are your role models and please state why: Latrell Sprewell, cause he had tats and braids before everyone else in the NBA and he made dem rims that spin, yo. And Ice T because he’s a mutha fuckin’ pimp. And Snoop. Also a mutha fuckin’ pimp. Pimps in general. All black pimps inspire me to be the best I can be in life.

Interests in blackness: Need better excuse for being late all the time. Really want to hear more about this “CP” time shit. Also, too hard to make it in rap game with white handicap. Sick of seeing reverse discrimination with black rappers who suck way more than me getting record deals. WTF? I’m twice as ignorant as dem SOBs. What’s a white man gotta do? We can’t all be Eminem.

What are the pros and cons of blackness: All pros, mutha fucka! All black conz in prison. What! What! Ya’ heard me? We all LeBron James, son. All-Pros!

Sponsor: Fuck dat. I don’t need a sponsor. What part of Shar Jackson is my babies mama do you not understand? I got half black KIDS, yo. Let’s do this. One world!

White Women: Just Say No

Tiger Woods and wife, Elin: The whitest white woman he could find. He had to go all the way to Sweden! White American chicks have too many impurities in them. Nope. He needed the whitest of the white. Those American white women might have some Native American, Latino, Irish, Italian, secret Negro ancestry. Best to play it safe and get your white girl imported from overseas from the land of gorgeous white women.

To: SCAN HQ, Medical Ward, Infectious Disease Prevention Unit

From: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Stank psychologist, Drop Squad

Subject: White women UPDATE!

The Siren Song of White Women a.k.a. S2W2: Contagious and Spreading

Black men are attracted to many things: Playstation, The NBA, Stacy Adams shoes, rims, etc. to name a few. These things are irresistible. They are wanted, desired and acquired by many Negro males across America.

But what has consistently been the most disturbing “Must Have” item in black America is a “white woman.”

Just like the rush to get the new Jordan’s the very Saturday they go on sale, many Negroes will break their neck to get to a white woman. The lure is that powerful. And often it doesn’t matter what kind of white woman (from the sometimes less-than-stellar to the sometimes very attractive), if she’s white, she’s right!

Black women are consistently disturbed by the trend. Their reaction is visceral, especially if the white woman is in the former “less-than-stellar” category.

Stankonimilitant has judiciously been studying this trend as part of his “Captain Save a Negro” or CSN research. As always the results of this particular trend are disturbing.

According to both the 1990 U.S. census and 2000 census, black men are more than two times more likely to marry a white woman, than a black woman is likely to marry a white man.

The overall percentage of black-white pairings is small (only 4.6 percent of blacks marry whites). But the trend is particularly galling when one looks at the number of black/white pairings of our “Negroes of Note,” i.e. your athletes, actors, successful black entrepreneurs, CEOs and celebrities.

Stankonimilitant has come up with a few reasons for why white women are so irresistible to some black men and especially among our “Negroes of Note.”

• Stereotypes of black women being overweight, overbearing, attitudinal, sassy, etc.
• The notion that marrying white is marrying up.
• The belief that white women are nicer or more submissive than black women.
• The notion that a blond, attractive white woman is a trophy or a prize to be won and paraded about with pride (see “Woods, Tiger”)
• The misleading idea that white women are the pinnacle of Western beauty.

Unfortunately this last notion of white Western beauty is the number one reason most black men have fallen under this false ideology. This syndrome is known as the "Siren Song of White Women" disorder a.k.a S2W2. (The name comes from the Odyssey where the hero had to be tied to the ship's mast after hearing an alluring song by the murderous Sirens bidding him to come to the island, and ultimately his doom.)

This is not a new phenomenon. SCAN has been dealing with S2W2 for decades – from boxing legend Jack Johnson’s penchant for the whitest of white women to William Jonathan Drayton, Jr. a.k.a. “Flavor Flav’s” foolishness over Bridgette Nielsen. These acts have been chronicled before. It was examined in length in SCAN’s 1933 edition of the SCAN Public Negro Handbook, Chapter One, “Hate Mail and Death Threats, How to Avoid Them”:

(D)on't date a white woman. We can't say this enough to our male Negroes of note. One should not attempt this if you want to reduce your chances of dying in a horrible and/or undignified manner. We have a saying at SCAN, "Stay ALIVE. Marry a Negress!"

Surprising fact! Did you know that Negro men of fame who marry their same race tend to run at least a 50 percent chance of not dying by lynching, drowning, gun shot, several gun shots, poisoning, stabbing, public beatings, private beatings or electrocution? Negro women aren't just beautiful and loving, my Colored men of success - they'll keep you alive. Think about it!

Sage advice if there ever was any, however this condition has cut a wide path through the black male population. This condition is at epidemic levels. And not only has it afflicted black males, Stankonimilitant has noticed Latinos, Arabs, South and Pacific Asians infected with S2W2.

To better understand the signs of S2W2, Stankonimilitant has infiltrated various black man/white woman havens such as Chicago’s The Loop, Robertson Blvd. in Los Angeles, the ESPN Awards, Georgetown in DC, NBA All-Star Weekend and various Sandals beach resorts.

Close observation has shown that often these men suffer from a “two-ness” when it comes to white woman attraction/black woman desire. Repeatedly Stankonimilitant observed black men routinely lusting after black women with large derrieres (neé badunkadunks, apple bottom, phat booty and a host of other names.)

These men often brag about their prowess for black women, some even casting admiring glances at the Jet Beauties of the Week pictures taped up in secure locations like black Barber Shops and auto body/mechanic shops.

And theses men often engage in a variety of exclamations, including many "Lord have mercy"s and "Daaaaayum"s upon sight of a “phatty” – The best example being Charles Barkley’s lust for singer Beyonce Knowles despite being married to a white woman.

This is especially startling. Despite finding black women attractive these men continuously pursue and even marry white women with the flattest of asses, seemingly going against the black man’s own love of “babies who indeed possess back.”

Amazingly very few white women have the black male's primary attraction marker (with exception to the ubiquitous Kim Kardashian) yet black males continue to seek white women out.

The following is an exchange, Stankonimilitant had with “Negro of Note (NON)” at NBA All-Star Weekend who was attending the game with a lithe blonde. As soon as she was outside of earshot, the man engaged me in a conversation regarding actress Gabrielle Union who was coaching one of the celebrity basketball teams.

NON: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm!

STANK: What?

NON: Lookie dere, lookie dere. Mmm!

STANK: Oh, you’re referring to …

NON: Damn, she fine. I’d drink her bathwater.

STANK: She is quite lovely.

NON: Lovely? She is fine. That girl is fine. Look at that ass!

STANK: It is a nice ass. Are you drooling?

NON: NICE? It is banging. Whoo. If I wasn’t married.

STANK: Really?

NON: I’d get into that. Sho nuff.

STANK: Well, your wife, Vicki she’s a lovely …

NON: Yeah, she’s aight, but nothin like that.

STANK: Oh. OK.

NON: Woo-wee! Dat ass!

STANK: Um … I think Gabrielle can hear you.

NON: Shizz, I don’t give a fuck. She need to come get some of this pipe.

STANK: There’s no need to curse nor be vulgar.

NON: Look at the booo-taaaay! (sees wife returning) Oh snap.

[NON’s wife, Vicki, sits down between us. NON ogles her implants and bright, whitened teeth smile.]

VICKI: What are ya’ll doin’?

NON: Nuttin. Nuttin. Just watching the game. Did you find the bathroom all right?

VICKI: Yeah.

NON: What that on your face? (Removing a stray eyelash off her cheek) Make a wish!

VICKI: (blows eyelash off NON’s finger, giggles) You are so silly.

NON: (flirting) What did you wish for?

VICKI: I’ll never tell.

[NON begins tickling Vicki and engaging in baby talk for the next 20 minutes. Growing nauseous Stank goes to the bathroom to get himself together.]

Later NON and Stank would discuss the virtues of Pamela Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, Coco (Ice-T’s wife), and Britney Spears, before she got chubby, for 45 minutes. It is getting more and more difficult not to blow cover. Pretending to ogle at small bottomed, waifish white women is not what Stankonimilitant signed up for, but for the sake of blackness he will continue on.

In terms of treatment, Stankonimilitant advises the harshest methods possible. Through some connections at the Pentagon, Stankonimilitant has gotten access to some decommissioned locations. SCAN could run a program called “Dynamic Yield Memory Enhancement” or DYME for short.

D.Y.M.E’s premise is simple – to de-mystify white women and to undo the negative stereotypes surrounding black women. This infomercial from SCAN would work for the later. For the former, some celebrity surgeries gone wrong might help, i.e. Jenna Jameson, Melanie Griffith and Tara Reid.

Have to end this report here, got an invitation to another NBA game.

__________________

This post was written by Dr. Stankoniforous for SCAN.