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The following was written by SCAN's partner at What About Our Daughters, Special Blackness Agent, codename "Gem." Our field agent is concerned about a rumored campaign to have comedian Bernie Mac and Reverend Jesse Jackson's blackness certification revoked. Here is her report. SCAN will later convene to discuss these rumors, but we're on permanent CP time so ... um, it might be awhile.
On Saturday, I wrote a post on Bernie Mac's performance at a Barack Obama event (Bernie
Mac Embarrasses the HEY-ELL OUT OF Barack Obama: Acolytes Shut It DOWN! ) Subsequently, I was emailed an intercepted urgent communique indicating that this weekend both Jesse Jackson and comedian Bernie Mac were referred to SCAN (Secret Council of American Negroes).
I have no doubt that the Obama Acolytes *shivers* are behind this. Every Black person that has violated the 11th Commandment has been threatened with having their Black Pass revoked. This is a very serious turn of events to have both of them referred to the Blackness Assessment Committee of the SCAN Licensing Board in the same week. In addition the communique has indicated that Obama Acolytes have finally won a majority on the Blackness Assessment Committee. If this is true, these are perilous times for us all.
I don't care one way or the other about Bernie, however, Jesse Jackson marched with MLK. Having reviewed Covenant Between Black Americans, I believe it provides that every Black person who marched with Dr. King obtained a Black Pass in for life under Section 567.08(a)2B of the Covenant Between Black Americans. Section 567.08(a)2B provides:
Any person having shown that they were in the vicinity of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. during a march, demonstration, sermon or speech shall retain possession of their "Black Pass" in perpetuity. This subsection shall extend to those assembled on sidewalks during said marches, speeches or demonstrations and those who contemplated attending, yet changed their mind at the last minute and stayed home....They MEANT to go.
In other words, they can never have their Black Passes revoked no matter what they may have done or not done in the 40 years since King's death. If they marched with King, as many of them are fond of reminding us, then they are exempt. END. OF. STORY. Therefore SCAN or any of its committees, subcommittees or licensing boards have NO JURISDICTION to review an application to revoke Jackson's Black Pass. In addition to people who marched with Dr. King, it is my understanding that some entertainers, athletes, Black employees of Viacom and Black billionaires are also exempt from SCAN review as well.
Apparently the Obama Acolytes are attempting to have the grandfather clause revoked as it applies to this year's presidential election. They are claiming some kind of exception to Section 567.08(a)2B called the 1600 Pennsylvania Rule which states, in part:
Notwithstanding any other section of the Covenant, in the event that any person of African American descent gets within one mile of the presidency, all other sections of this Covenant shall be superseded by the 11th Commandment.
I do not believe that there is any 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Exception. The Acolytes have made two previous attempts at similar measures with John Lewis and Andrew Young, but this time the communique indicated that they MAY have obtained a majority on the Black Assessment Committee.
How is this possible? Jesse Jackson was the first Black man to win a presidential primary. He coined "I am SOMEBODY."
Do any of y'all remember his David and Goliath speech at the Tendley Street Baptist Church? What about his keynote addresses at the Democratic National Convention? And who can forget Jackson beating back all of the HATER-AID thrown at Obama during Tavis Smiley's State of the Black Union? Remember back when a whole lot of Black folks were NOT on the bandwagon, Jackson hopped on without PUBLIC reservation.Despite recent revelations of "improprieties" and "issues." The man made Black history and he coined the phrase "Obamarama" I thought that qualified for a permanent exemption from the SCAN Licensing Board review. This is setting a very bad precedent. The Acolytes are so cut throat. *shivers*
The man is over 50 years old. Thats far too old to have to endure the rigors of a SCAN review. Do the Acolytes have any compassion? NOPE! No one is immune. No one is exempt. There are no accidents when it comes to the 11th commandment.
If this is true, I am going to demand that the hearing be conducted IN PUBLIC via podcast. I know that they are a "secret" council, however there is no room for secrecy from SCAN on this very serious matter. All of America must be able to throw open the doors of SCAN and see this process for ourselves. If the Obama Acolytes have obtained a majority on the SCAN Black Assessment Committee then NONE of us are safe. We must demand some transparency from SCAN on this. It is the only way to insure fairness. I DEMAND AN OPEN HEARING! SCAN's policy decisions and edicts have import on all of Black America and secrecy cannot be used to cloak the Acolytes and their chicanery.
P.S. My people... CALM DOWN. It is a long way to November. Pace yourselves. This thing hasn't even gotten started yet. Wait until October.
Setting: MSNBC studios. Chris Matthews is sitting at the "Hardball" set reading through the script while Andrea Mitchell sits across from him also reading her notes. Both look a little out of sorts, especially Andrea who keeps scratching herself and is sweating profusely. They both look jittery and stressed as they prepare for tonight's show.
Chris Matthews: (Reading over his script for "Hardball") Tonight! Surrogates gone wild? Jesse Jackson is caught making an off air mumble that's become a mess for ... I (slamming down the script) ... I can't do this. It's just ... it's just not the same! I need my Clinton Crack! (scratching underarms) I'm jonesing over here! Look, Andrea! My face is all bloated and red!
Andrea Mitchell: (Involuntarily twitching) Your face is always bloated and red, you ignominious bastard! There would still be some Clinton Crack if you hadn't smoked it all!
Chris: (To himself) I can't go back.
Andrea: (Wiping nose, suddenly calm) I sometimes huff paint thinner.
Chris: Really? Does it work?
Andrea: It'll get you high. I mean, if you're desperate.
Chris: I don't know. You said that about Romney refeer and all it did was make me gain 20 pounds and buy a bunch of Marie Osmond records. I guess I could try that Brangelina stuff, but that seems more like a kid's party drug.
Andrea: I lost 10 pounds doing Brangelina, but I also stopped sleeping, had sex with Billy Bob Thorton and adopted six Ugandan orphans.
ENTER KEITH OLBERMANN
Keith Olbermann enters the set, walking by, looking peppy.
Chris: How do you do it Keith? Your eyes are always so glassy and you always look so happy, despite being nebbish and tense and kind of killjoy. What are you on? And don't say Ron Paul freebase because Jack Cafferty sold me a sack of that shit and it does not work!
Keith looks left-to-right then leans in to take a seat next to Chris and Andrea.
Keith Olbermann: (whispers) I have something TEN TIMES more potent than Clinton Crack.
Chris: I'm interested.
Keith: Obama Opium.
Chris: Opium? They still make that?
Keith: No. Not just regular opium. Obama Opium. It's the main ingredient in Black Tar Heroin.
Chris: I think they liked to be called African American now.
Keith: What?
Chris: It would be African American Tar Heroin. You know? I thought you were more racially sensitive than that? Whatever. Forget about it. Tell me about the drugs. Where did you get it?
Keith: Well, you can't tell anyone.
Chris: This is just between you me and Andrea.
Andrea: (twitching) Did you just say you had some Clinton Crack?
Keith: No.
Andrea: Because we'd have some if Chris hadn't smoked it all!
Chris: I get it, Andrea! I'm a fat bastard. All right, Keith. Tell us. Where did you get the stuff?
Keith: (mumbles) Muurrr-murrrr.
Chris: What? Speak up. Why are you mumbling?
Keith: Sean Hannity.
Chris: What?
Keith: I got it through Alan Combs from Sean Hannity. I was desperate. It so hard to act like I give a shit night after night. I just needed a little something to take the edge off. I used to snort that Bush Blow, but it doesn't work like it used to. Plus it made me really, really angry. Or maybe that was just the Rove 'Roids. I was trying to lose weight. I just needed something to even me out and Combs told me Sean was smoking the Big O every night. He hooked me up.
Chris: Does it work?
Keith: Oh (smiling) ... it'll get you high.
Chris: Can you boil it down like real Heroin because I just want to take a shot of Barack and put it in a hypodermic needle and shoot it right into my eye ball?
Keith: I think I have a spoon around here somewhere.
Chris: I'm excited about this. I mean, I've been using Clinton Crack since 1992. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. But I only partied with it. Nothing serious. Then one day, boom, it was gone. I forgot about it. Didn't touch anything. But then they came back. And there was just so much of it. I didn't really pace myself. So ... so I'm in deep shit. I mean. I gotta have it. I need it. I want it. But they cut me off. I asked James Carville two months ago if I could get 5 grams of Bubba for $50 and that son-of-a-bitch said "Drug store's closed." Can you believe that? Drug store's closed! I've had to get my Clinton Crack through Andrea ever since.
Andrea: Alan got me hooked.
Keith: Alan Combs?
Andrea: Alan Greenspan. They still talk sometimes.
Keith: (to Chris while cooking the drugs) Don't go crazy with this. Alan said Hannity's been hitting it so hard he almost OD'ed while watching some Rev. Wright footage Sunday. He's sobriety partners with Rush Limbaugh now.
Chris: I bet Rush does a lot of this stuff.
Keith: Nah. He's on Nicorette and OxyContin-laced Twinkies dipped in embalming fluid now.
Andrea: They call them "RushBaughs." I tried that once and I woke up fully dressed in a bathtub full of water after a party at Brian Williams' house. Brian doesn't do drugs but Willard Scott was passing them out. I just thought they were hor' devours. One minute I was dancing to Starland Vocal Band and making out with Ann Curry, then the next I was up to my neck in warm, soapy water. It was sooo awkward when Brian asked me to pass him the soap. He has very nice abs for such a boring man.
Keith: Wait ... he was?
Andrea: He said he didn't want to wake me, but regained consciousness when my head slipped underwater and I almost inhaled his loofah. And that's not a euphemism. I was actually gagging on a his sponge.
Keith finishes cooking the Obama Opium and draws it into a hypodermic needle.
Keith: You kissed Ann Curry? What was that like?
Andrea: She tasted like cocaine and strawberries.
Chris: (Annoyed) Enough with the chit chat! Let's do this. (Rolls up sleeve and ties belt around forearm) Get me high, mother fucker!
Cross-posted on The Black Snob
