Begrudingly Backing Biden

The following is from a top secret debriefing of the Secret Council of American Negroes Political Accreditation Committee.

Chairman: Order! Order! People, please!

Councilwoman X: This is an abomination. As a representative of Will Smith I implore that we use all the leverage SCAN has to change Obama's mind! An Obama-Smith ticket is unparalleled!

Councilman J: What international experience does he have? He's an actor.

Councilwoman X: An INTERNATIONALLY known actor!

Chairman: There's no point in arguing. Agent First Class Obama has chosen Joe Biden and we need to accept it.

Councilman Z: Why not Cynthia McKinney? Why? She was against the war too.

X: Please, not with the Cynthia ...

Z: (Interrupting) Cynthia McKinney is an intelligent, beautiful, sensual black woman. She would be an asset to any ticket. I realize she's not a Democrat anymore, but she's so captivating that I've switched party affiliations to Green ... like the shining emerald McKinney is.

X: We get it already!

Z: (Ignoring others) The way she goes off on President Bush and lives by her own rebellious code. She's like Xena, Warrior Princess, but black, like Gina Torres. The Gina Torres of politics. She could Cleopatra 2525 me any ...

J: (Interrupting) Dammit, Albert!

Chairman: NO NAMES!

J: Like this is going to leak out. Albert! You're making an ass of yourself.

Z (aka "Albert"): You just don't understand my Cynthia like I do.

J: She has a RESTRAINING order against you. Can we move on?

Chairman: Gladly. I realize some of you have some issues with Biden.

X: Clean and articulate, my ass.

Chairman: But Biden has voted favorably in the past for Civil Rights issues and if Obama can forgive his misspeaking ...

X: Misspeaking? We took him off the "Most Favored White Person" status for that. We wrote letters of condemnation! Now we're just supposed to take this bag o' wind back? Uh uh. SCAN is like Pottery Barn. No returns!

Chairman: Brother Obama said ...

Z (aka "Albert"): Brother Obama? Since when did Brother Obama run SCAN? I could have sworn [REDACTED] was in charge. And [REDACTED] was supposed to be in on the veep selection. What the hell happened?

Chairman: Our most honorable leader said quite deliberately in a memo that while Brother Obama was glad to receive SCAN's intel he would be going this alone.

Z (aka "Albert"): I'm voting Cynthia McKinney. Fuck it.

Chairman: LANGUAGE!

Z (aka "Albert"): I motion that we vote to lobby the Superior Council to endorse her for president. Obama doesn't want to listen to us, so we won't listen to him.

Chairman: That suggestion is in direct violation of code 2099 of the SCAN Handbook which states, "The Secret Council of American Negroes is fully dedicated to working towards the election of Agent First Class, Senator Barack Hussien Obama, (D-IL) by any means necessary. This includes raising funds, providing intelligence on the opposition, embedding our special agents into the Secret Service to avoid any 'shenanigans,' using SCAN special ops to take down any potential threats towards Brother Obama, even by deadly force if necessary. Any SCAN member found in violation of their support of Obama will be fined and stripped of their blackness status." This was ratified on Jan. 20, 2007.

Z (aka "Albert"): It also says if Brother Obama starts fucking up we can ditch his ass.

Chairman: He has not and watch your language! Biden has uses!

J: We might as well have gone with Hillary.

X: BLASPHEMY! Do not say that woman's name in our sacred halls! Sacrilege!

J: Everyone's thinking it. We might as well say it. Hillary could have delivered us Ohio, Indiana, Pennsylvania. What's Biden got? A verb, a noun and a big fat mouth.

X: She Who Shall Not Be Named is an agent of chaos!

J: Didn't you used to be a Hillary supporter? I mean, you had the bumper stickers and everything back in November. Do you still have that framed and signed photo of Billary on your nightstand?

X: LIES! And I only keep that photo as a collector's item.

Z (aka "Albert"): The only thing that item is collecting is dust.

Chairman: Enough. We have to make this official for the HNIC. All in favor for Article 149, "The Secret Council of American Negroes reinstates the Most Favored White Status of Senator Joseph Biden, (D-Delaware) due to his blackness endorsement by Agent First Class Barack Hussien Obama on account he has been selected as Obama's vice presidential candidate. With this reinstatement SCAN will do all that is humanly possible to subvert spurious agents of chaos who may use Brother Biden's loquaciousness to their illicit advantage." All in favor say aye.

J, X, other members and Chairman: AYE.

Chairman: All opposed?

Z (aka "Albert"): Nay! McKinney all the way!

Chairman: The ayes have it. Biden has been reinstated and is under SCAN's protection. Let us pray that he will use his mouth for good, not stupidity.

J: Amen to that.

----

TO: HNIC, Supreme Council, et al
FROM: The Chairman, Political Accreditation Committee, aka PAC
RE: Sen. Biden's reinstatement

The PAC has voted nine to one for the reinstatement of Sen. Joseph Biden's "Most Favored White Status" so we can move forward in supporting him as part of "Operation David Palmer." The Obama campaign has asked that we groom Biden immediately in all things deemed "blackness" to avoid any more embarrassing gaffes like the one that caused his status to be stripped earlier this year.

I, the Chairman, have personally spoken to Biden to congratulate him on his selection and he proceeded to greet me with a very tired "WAZZZUP" and invited the PAC over for a "fried chicken and ribs" dinner at his estate because "that's what you people like, right?" He said he really wants to make a good first impression with PAC and the Supreme Council. Indeed.

I rank him at a blackness awareness level of a negative 10. I realize there is no actual ranking lower than a zero, but I simply wanted to make the point clear that Biden doesn't know what the hell he is talking about when it comes to black people. Brother Obama has made it very clear that he wants SCAN to fully educate him from Plymouth Rock landing on us to Tiger Woods winning the Masters. I fear that it is very necessary that we comply.

As for our one descending vote, Councilman [REDACTED] is well known for his Cynthia McKinney fetish, but he has promised to not make trouble for Brother Obama's campaign. Still, I recommend that the Drop Squad keep an eye on him. In a race this tight there is no room for rogue Negroes.

Sincerely,

The Chairman, PAC

Idris Elba for SCAN PSA

A PSA against people thinking our warm and friendly borthers are dangerous. (Click to picture to enlarge.)

Stank is looking for a "magical" white boy

SPECIAL REQUEST!!! SPECIAL REQUEST!!!
TO: SCAN HQ, Office of H.N.I.C.
FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy and Special Ops
BCC: Agent Q
Subj: New category suggestion!

It's not often Dr. S asks for anything from SCAN HQ ... uh ... besides askin to kidnap Senator Clinton, but that was different. Dr. S' clippers had shorted out halfway through his haircut and he had to run to the store looking like he had wrestled with a grizzly bear. In short, Dr. S was lookin' and feelin' a hot @ss mess, so he wasn't in the best of moods ... that's all besides the point.

Dr. Stankonimilitant thinks it is time that SCAN moves into the 21st century. The good doctor thinks we need to keep tryin' to save black people, because Lord knows we need help. Dr. S thinks that SCAN would be negligent if they did not make a special place for the "magical white boy."

Who else but the magical white boy could successfully navigate the rough terrain of racial relations in contemporary America? Who else could provide such definitive clear cut answers to all racial problems? Think of the possibilities? A SCAN-certified magical white boy! He would be suitable for interracial marriage, able to "understand" peoples of color's problems, and learn to do the Electric Slide!

Instead of repeatedly denying Robin Thicke a black pass, he could become a magical white boy.

Of course, there's something in all this for the good doctor, namely experiments. Just a lil' DNA from all the magical white boys and soon SCAN could start making their own magical white boys. SCAN could corner the market! Perfect the procedure and then ... SCAN could slowly start to phase out all the non-magical white boys. *Giddy with glee*

Agent Q, you know this is a good idea, kid! Don't even front! Instead of having white boys try to steal swag co-opt everything we can create them with some style. Think about it. No more dated references to No Homo! Son, go to bat for me on this one! It's a sure fire grand slam.

----------------------------------------------------

TO: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy and Special Ops
FROM: The Secy. to the HNIC
RE: Category suggestion

The concept could be promising if properly utilized. To what end would these so-called "Magic White Boys" mean? Are these drones we are creating to infiltrate the white patriarchy to spy on its infrastructure? Are they a means of extracting revenues from people who swoon over a black man's tenor coming out of a white man's mouth in song? Is this an attempt at "pimping" the white man? Because while some members might be interested in an army of gullible Justin Timberfakes dead set on taking down our enemies (re: Bill O'Reilly, BET, the recording industry, the Uncle Ruckus Brigade, a terrorist group of rogue former SCAN agents intent on destroying black people, and menthol cigarettes, etc.), that does seem problematic in the long run.

Who will house and feed these magical white boys? Who will train them? How will they further the cause of self-sufficiency and success in the black community? Is this a "Manchurian Candidate" situation? And what about blow back? What if they learn too much about the inner workings of black society and possibly attempt to subvert it? We're already fighting a hostile takeover (per usual) with the NAACP. We don't feel like recruiting a bunch of white guys and then having some group like the NRA, PETA or the Green Party attempt take over SCAN.

Still, it wouldn't hurt to take a second look at Thicke. After all, Bob Deniro, current ambassador to the white folk is getting on in years and Roger Ebert has been too ill to participate in our cross-racial outreach program. But I don't know if we can extend full membership to Thicke at this time. (We have a backlog of white applicants looking for blackness credentials, including several re-filings by previously denied white people -- re: Kim Kardashian and Justin Timberlake.)

I might be able to get Thicke up for review at our next meeting, but some brothers have been grumbling that we aren't accepting enough pro-black white women into the program. They are threatening to filibuster Harry Connick Jr.'s full black pass credentials and that simply cannot happen.

Right now we have some feelers out to actress Ellen Pompeo of Grey's Anatomy, as she might be more palatable to some of our more ... ahem ... recalcitrant female board members who appear to be dead set on denying Kim Kardashian a pass of any kind. There are, after all, some standards as to what sort of good white folk we want in SCAN's fold. We can't be seen as lowering our standards and letting just anybody in, like that Coco person that New Jack City guy on Law & Order SVU is married to. I shudder at the thought.

SCAN only wants the best of the best of what white people have to offer. Like iPhones and Whole Foods.

Let's let this marinate until the board convenes.

Entry written by Stankonimilitant and The Black Snob