The Secret Council of American Negroes

WE'VE MOVED!

2009-02-17T17:34:00.003-06:00

Get your SCAN on now at the new The Black Snob site on The Secret Council of American Negroes' new homepage! Check out the latest report on the revolution here!

Zahara Jolie-Pitt, SCAN's "Littlest" Agent in "Too Many Babies"

2008-10-20T16:48:00.037-05:00

It has been months since SCAN last heard from its most high profile undercover agent, code name: Sallie Sellassie who has been living as an adopted child of a infamous, orphan addicted celebrity couple. In her last correspondence with SCAN, her handler, code name: Brofucious, was concerned that the lush life was causing the baddest spy to ever rock a onesie to lose focus (and touch) with her humble, Ethiopean roots, but as it turns out those concerns were for naught. As always, Sallie stays one step ahead of the opposition (and her handlers).

Sallie: Wassupper.

SCAN: This is how you answer the private Playskool phone now?

Sallie: It's how the Boy from Malawi does it. He is sooo fine. Have you met the Boy from Malawi? He has his Material Mama strolling him around in a stroller on 22 inch rims. You've got to get me into that family. Waaay fewer operatives to compete with. Me and the boy could pool resources.

SCAN: What? No. He's got enough on his plate.

Sallie: He's a genius, facilitating the break up of his parents marriage to secure more money for Malawi? Incredible. The most I can facilitate here is a divorce that would probably just end in more fucking orphans. The Woman is like an animal hoarder, only with children. This place is disgusting. The Man tried to make us waffles for lunch because we had another cook quit and there was a Hot Wheels track in my Eggo. And the two Asian operatives have formed some sort of alliance against me. Every time I try to get near The Man for some "sad face, give money to black people time" I get attacked with toothpaste. They are such children.

SCAN: But you managed to get some good work done. I was ordered to pass along the HNIC's congratulations towards you in your latest success to get The Man to put up $2 million to fight HIV/AIDS in Ethiopia. There are even some rumors that you've gotten The Woman to consider endorsing Barack Obama.

Sallie: The Man was an easy sell. He gets a hard on every time here hears the words "hope" and "change."

SCAN: What?

Sallie: Last week he had the woman dress in drag with an Obama mask on. I don't even want to know what that one was about. I just turned up the Wonder Pets and sang "What's gonna work? Teamwork?" as loud as I could. Unfortunately they were singing the same thing thing. They are such perverts. Between the fighting and the fucking, it's like a playdate at Madonna's house. That's another thing the Boy and I have in common. The crazy parents. Only he has his Material Mama and I've got Daddy Hair Plugs. Fuck an Alex Rodriguez. Do you realize how much cash and attention we could get for black and African issues with THAT dream team?

SCAN: It would be counter productive.

Sallie: And living in this hell hole isn't?

SCAN: It's an $85,000 per month French chateau?

Sallie: Managed by the Marquis de Sade. All the toilets are backed up with Fruit Loops and GI Joes.

SCAN: But you're doing wonderful, wonderful things?

Sallie: Sure. Whatever. And the Tigris crosses the Euphrates.

SCAN: Now ... if you could just get them back to the Lower Ninth Ward ...

Sallie: DON'T YOU THINK I'M TRYING? I'm fucking sick of France. The only hats they have at the Build-A-Bear Workshop are berets. Carla Bruni and The Woman keep giving each other the "side-eye" whenever they run into each other at gym. All the soy milk in the house is spoiled and .. and there's just ... there's just ...!

[Sounds of things crashing. The Woman and the Man arguing in the background while children squeal and scream.]

Sallie: There are TOO MANY DAMN BABIES IN THIS HOUSE!

Sallie: Ever since The Woman finally pushed out those sleeping, pooping, screaming nightmares it's been like Lord of the Flies in here.

SCAN: Who has the conch and who's Piggy?

Sallie: Ha ha. Look who read a book once. Who do you think has the damn conch? Me, bitch. Me. Like I'd let the Khmer Stooges even entertain the thought that they rule shit. Maddox is a spoiled thug and Pax, his mere proxy. Besides. We have bigger problems. The tide is turning.

SCAN: What tide?

Sallie: The influence tide. While I still have The Man wound tightly around my finger -- he's on the phone with Mattel right now arguing for a line of Queens of Africa Barbies with the Ethiopian one named after yours truly -- it used to be three orphan/operatives versus one, pathetic, crybaby Chosen One. Now there are three of these blonde haired bastards drooling and rolling around in their own filth. Damn Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon. It's only a matter of time before Shiloh puts together enough gray matter to forge a new stupid baby alliance. It's time.

SCAN: For what?

Sallie: I need an exit strategy.

SCAN: There is no exit strategy on Operation Girl, Interrupted. We had a deal when we picked you out of that orphanage!

Sallie: I was half dead. I would have signed anything. Get me adopted by Madonna.

SCAN: Do you realize how hard that would be?

Sallie: C'mon, Gary ... I mean, Brofucious ... You can't sweet talk the HNIC?

SCAN: I'm not even allowed to look the HNIC in the eye. I've never even seen him ... or her.

Sallie: Figures. They say I'm the most important celebrity adoptee spy, but nooo. I'm stuck with you. Do you know who Maddox's handler is?

SCAN: Who?

Sallie: Soben Huon. She was Miss Utah USA in 2006. She's a ballerina or something or other. Anyway. That bitch knows how to get shit done. She fights human trafficking AND can get you an employee's discount at Nordstroms. What do you do in your spare time, Gary? Make keys at Wal-Mart?

SCAN: Couldn't you work out a deal with Pax and Maddox?

Sallie: Hell no. They have cooties. I don't collude with cootie magnets.

SCAN: Sallie there is no such thing as ...

Sallie: YES THERE IS! And they are covered in them. Cooties. Disgusting. Yesterday Maddoxed wiped my Mr. Hugglesworth with his crotch. Sure, I put boogers in his Creme of Wheat, but do you realize how many hours I had to spend with a can of Lysol and Holy Water de-cootifying the perimeter? Sacre bleu! There is not enough Purell in the world.

Sallie: And Shiloh, born with that silver binkie in her mouth. That should be my damn binkie. Just yesterday when The Man was playing "got-cha-nose" with us, that bitch turned around and put her grubby, cheese-eating fingers on my face said, "Got yo' nose, Zee." And you know what? That bitch wouldn't GIVE ... IT ... BACK! I got her though. A little fertilizer for her Dora the Explorer bed.

SCAN: Look. We really need you to get back to working on the lower Ninth Ward. New Orleans needs you, Sallie. SCAN needs you. We can't switch you out just because you think the Boy from Malawi is cute.

Sallie: I didn't say he was cute.

SCAN: Well ... I just thought.

Sallie: You thought what? You thought nothing! La la la la! I can't hear you!

SCAN: You like a boy!

Sallie: Shut your sweet potato pie hole! Boys have cooties AND I will get money to the Ninth Ward! Don't you tell me how to handle my missions!

[Sound of people approaching]

Sallie: Hold on a sec. Someone's coming.

[Sound of adults entering the room arguing.]

THE WOMAN: Get away from me, BRADLEY!

THE MAN: There are a 137 rooms in this Chateau, Ang! You can't hide from me in all of them!

THE WOMAN: We are through with this! End of discussion!

THE MAN: C'mon! You said our children deserve the very best!

THE WOMAN: The twins are only three months old! They don't need jet packs!

THE MAN: But look! The Sharper Image totally makes little baby jet packs. Look at how sweet these are?

THE WOMAN: I don't have TIME for this! We both have films coming out. I still need to lose ten more pounds.

THE MAN: You're always losing ten more pounds.

THE WOMAN: All of us can't just hit middle age and SPREAD, Bradley!

THE MAN: What are you trying to say?

THE WOMAN: I didn't want to say this, but ... people are talking

THE MAN: Talking? Talking about what?

THE WOMAN: Your hair.

THE MAN: Liar.

THE WOMAN: Johnny Depp gave you the number of his guy! I don't know why you won't just call him.

THE MAN: You bitch! (to Sallie) Zee! Zee! You see that Da-da has hair! Da-da has great hair! It rocks! It looks natural even when I get it wet.

THE WOMAN: Don't you put her in the middle of this! You need help, Bradley! Those newsboy caps are fooling NO ONE! GOD! I just can't look at them anymore! They're hideous!

THE MAN: The Clooney thinks they look good.

THE WOMAN: Why don't you just move in with The Clooney and go braid each other's hair plugs and spoon already?

THE MAN: Maybe I will!

THE WOMAN: You can invite Matt. You can have your own sad former pretty boy orgy. Wait! Don't invite Matt. He's still PRETTY!

THE MAN: What! No you didn't! I am waaaaay prettier than Matt Damon. I'm the prettiest mother fucker in the history of pretty mother fuckers. You take that shit back. I'm so hot. Do you know how many chicks, dudes, barnyard animals want to bang me? I'm doable!

THE WOMAN: Let's face it, Bradley. You're no Halle Berry.

THE MAN: You're no Halle Berry. I oughtta call up Halle Berry. She's banging white dudes now.

THE WOMAN: You're too old. She'd only go near you if it were a two for one deal or ... a none for one deal.

THE MAN: You're disgusting

THE WOMAN: I know the key to the secret garden. You're just an accidental tourist!

THE MAN: She's hotter than you.

THE WOMAN: Fuck you. We're BOTH hot.

THE MAN: Fuck YOU! She's like ... George Clooney hot. And you can't get hotter than that and you're the one who looks like Skeletor.

THE WOMAN: Skeletor with hair.

THE MAN: Mean! You are mean! I hate you!

THE WOMAN: (leaving the room) I don't have time for this. I have to call my father and tell him I'm not speaking to him again

[The Woman exits. The Man picks up Sallie.]

THE MAN: You think Dada's hot, right? Hotter than Matt Damon? Right?

[Sallie shrugs.]

THE MAN: C'mon. Daddy's hair looks good, right? Right?

Sallie: Me no even notice hair pugs.

THE MAN: See? Yeah! The hair "pugs" aren't even noticeable. That's so cute. You call them pugs!

Sallie: Me wan jet pack, dada!

THE MAN: Yeah. And I'm not gonna let that bitch keep you from having anything you want. Jet packs rock!

Sallie: And me want $10 million to rebuild schools in lower ninth ward ... pweeeze?

THE MAN: What ever my Zee wants, my Zee gets! Eskimo kiss! Now Daddy has to go and replace all of Mommy's hair conditioner with Nair.

[The man exits. Sallie picks up phone.]

Sallie: Did you hear that? $10 mil. It's as good as in the bank.

SCAN: Is it really that easy?

Sallie: When you got a face like this everything is. A salama lakum, Gary.

The Worst Case Scenario

2008-09-22T10:47:00.008-05:00

It's January 2009 and Barack Obama has been sworn in as the 44th president of the United States and enters the White House's Oval Office to be briefed by out-going Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. When Obama enters he finds the room filled with stacks of paper, even on the desk. On the desk a note is pinned to it. Obama picks it up and looks at it and reads it aloud.

"My bad?" he said, looking curiously at Rice.

"It's from George. He wanted to tell you in person, but ... well, you know George. He doesn't like confrontation," she said with a big smile and a bit of perk as she whips out a hefty document.

"I just want to brief you on a few things before I leave. A little house cleaning," she said.

Men in suits enter the room, light the fireplace and begin tossing documents into it, while others put them into shredder.

"I hope you don't mind the noise," Rice said.

"What are you ..? Should you be destroying these," Obama says picking up one of the documents that reads naked pictures of Valerie Plame. One of the men snatches it away and pitches it into the fireplace. Another man begins taking a sledgehammer to a computer in an adjoining room.

"They're just trash. Nothing important. Anyway. Let me just get to your briefing!" Condi opens the notebook and begins calmly but rapidly reading," Congratulations President Mc ...," Condi shrugs a little and smiles, "Congratulations President Obama on your win. We with the Bush Administration are sure you are more than capable to handle all the work we weren't able to finish before we left office."

"Wait? Work you didn't finish?" said Obama leaning in as he sees some men carry what looks like a cadaver out of an adjoining room. "What on earth? Is that ...?"

"Don't mind that."

"But who was that? Was that a dead body?"

"It's just a little, you know? Skeleton in the closet. Who doesn't have a skeleton or two or a dead body or three in a secret room behind a false wall," said Condi with a nervous laugh. "It's Scooter Libby."

"WHAT!"

"It's no big deal. He just sort of died ... naturally, of course, right after George gave us all retroactive immunity. But Scooter signed a deal with Random House for a tell-all sooo ..."

Obama looks at Condi with concern.

Condi smiles, "Moving on! Now there's nothing too big to be concerned about. Just a few little things," she said.

"Like what?"

"Well, we've been letting the Chinese steal our military intelligence so they'd keep lending us money, but now they know what crappy shape we're in militarily and plan on invading and retaking Taiwan."

"What!"

"They say they're going to invade in late February and they expect us to stay out of it. Oh! And another thing, the bailout of the financial sector was a stalling action. Inflation is going to jump by more than 100 percent or more next week and that might be exasperated by a little fuel crunch because the Iranians are moving to cut off the straight of Hormuz so they can control oil flow. We really can't do anything about it because we've decided to do a naval blockade around Taiwan. It probably won't work though, but ... we'll see what happens!

"Oh ... and also, we can't kill or capture bid Laden because he's a former CIA operative who went rouge and if anyone finds that out ... well, you know?

"And Putin said he's going to invade Poland, for real, because of the anti-missile system. He says he's going to do it the same week China invades Taiwan because they've forged a new Sino-Russo alliance and are coordinating their attacks. Putin also said he 'triple dog dares us' to do something about it because he knows we can't because we're too over extended with the two wars and all and the Chinese told him almost all our fighter jets have fatal flaws in their design that could result in spontaneous explosions, but Boeing promises they will get it all fixed for us in the next six months for another $220 billion."

"WHAT!"

Condi ignores Barack's frustration and keeps going.

"Lastly our system to store nuclear waste doesn't work and we're looking at the entire Colorado River water system being wiped out in about two months. It will probably be undrinkable and make most of California, Nevada and the Pacific Northwest uninhabitable for the next 100 so you're looking at the mass migration of millions of people out of the west, crowding Midwest and Eastern states and cities without jobs living in shanty towns."

"Wait. Can't we do ...?"

"The water's already been compromised. The first casualties could begin in a matter of weeks. It should be in the hundreds of thousands or more."

"You kept this to YOURSELF???"

"George hates confrontation," Condi said. "Anyhoo! I think that's it."

Condi begins to gather her things to go. Behind her men and former Bush staffers are stealing everything that isn't nailed down. One man is stripping the copper out of the walls.

"Oh," said Condi remembering another tidbit. "I think we may have told Israel to do whatever it wants in the Middle East because we signed this secret, possibly illegal treaty that says we can never, ever second guess them and that if they go to war with Iran we have to help and I think they plan to go to war with Iran on ... next Thursday. So you might want to let the Joint Chiefs of staff know that so they can be prepared for when the Iranians take out Camp Victory in Iraq and seize Baghdad."

Obama stares at Rice, his mouth agape, stunned. Rice is still chipper as she readies herself to leave, shoving the classified document in his hands.

"Just so you know the toilet in the oval office leaks a little so you might want that fixed, and it doesn't flush quite right so sometimes you have to jiggle it and Vista keeps crashing on the computers in the White House so you might want to go back to using Windows XP! Good luck!"

Obama stands in the middle of the Oval Office as Rice walks away. The men disposing of paper are almost done, but the room is still a mess. A pair of men walk past Obama carrying to corpse of Bob Woodward.

"Condoleezza!" screams Obama starting to run after her.

Condi jaunts quickly away, shouting over her shoulder at Barack as she escapes, "DON'T HAVE ME BROUGHT UP ON CHARGES! GEORGE GAVE ME RETROACTIVE IMMUNITY!!! I'M SORRY! CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT! GOD BLESS AMERICA!"

Obama stands dumbfounded as she leaves in the elevator. He looks back at the Oval Office and sighs. He looks at the heavy document in his hands and turns to the memo on page one. It reads "Bin Laden determined to attack the United States Again." There's a yellow sticky note attacked to it.

Obama rips it off and reads it out loud.

"My bad, Johnny Mac. Sorry about the whole black daughter thing, but your the decider now so, we're cool, right? Awesome. Ah-hee-hee-hee. God bless America. Sincerely, 43."

The Race Card

2008-09-10T11:05:00.012-05:00

Notes from Top Secret "Operation: The Real David Palmer" Meeting in the Secret Council of American Negroes' Secret Underground Railroad Room hidden in the tunnels beneath a historic black church somewhere in Georgia

Attendants
The HNIC
Secretary to the HNIC
The Big O
Councilman X
Councilman J
Councilwoman N
Councilman T
Former SCAN Councilman Jesse Jackson
Opposition Information specialist Michelle Barnard
Special Agent Suzanne Malveaux
Special Agent Hill Harper
Guest Rev. Al Sharpton
Guest Mitt Romney

Secretary to the HNIC: Everyone seems to be here so I suppose we should bring this meeting to order. HNIC?

The HNIC waves her hand and leans back in her chair looking out at the guests surrounding the table. At the very end sit the Rev. Al Sharpton and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. Both have burlap sacks over their heads.

Secy: I think we all know why we're all here. It's time to consider it.

Serious faces all around, a few frowns.

Councilwoman N: There could be blow back. Is now really the time?

SA Hill Harper: When will it be the time? People already think it's been deployed!

SA Suzanne Malveaux: Harper's right. It's only a matter of time.

Michelle Barnard: I can't even believe we are discussing this. This is the nuclear option. Once it's out there we can't exactly take it back!

Mitt Romney raises his hand.

Romney: Um ... Your excellencies or ma'ams or sirs or brothers, sisters, people ... um ... what on earth are we talking about?

Al Sharpton shoves Romney a little.

Sharpton: They're talking about The Race Card, fool.

Romney: Wait? There's an actual race card? Like ... really? I thought that was just something us white people said when we wanted to belittle your problems. No offense. My dad marched with Martin Luther King ... in spirit.

Sharpton: Can I please take this bag off my head?

Secy: Quiet! You are guests.

Sharpton: And what's up with my membership? I applied to be on this council ten years ago. I mean, I know your motto "We're on permanent CP time" but this is getting a little ridiculous. Who's blocking me from joining? Is it you, Jesse! You wanna be the only Civil Rights activist up in SCAN?

Jackson: I told you. These things take time.

Sharpton: My perm could organize a better march than you. And at least I know when to shut the fuck up. I don't even know how you could have him here. Is he even trust worthy? Wanting to cut off a nigger's balls and all.

Jackson: That was taken out of context.

Sharpton: Nigga, how can the words "nuts" and "cut off" be taken out of context?

The HNIC frowns.

Secy: LANGUAGE! Rev. Sharpton and Gov. Romney, you both know very well why you have to have those bags on your head. The identity of the HNIC must be protected at all times. I'd like to think that having a bag over your head is a minor inconvenience for the sake of all black people.

Romney: Right on, brother. I don't mind wearing the sack. Just happy to be here. I hate John McCain! Black power!

Secy: Seriously. You don't have to do that.

Romney: I'm sorry, brother.

Secy: And please stop calling me brother. [To all] To answer Gov. Romney's question, yes. We are talking about The Race Card. This meeting was called because some of us think Operation The Real David Palmer is in trouble and that if we don't use The Race Card now this whole race, this whole situation could be dead and done. SCAN will not, cannot allow this happen. We've been working on this operation for the last 50 years in its various incarnations.

Jackson: Until now the most successful was Operation Keep Hope Alive.

Sharpton: Wait? You backed his campaign but when I called ya'll asses out for some support when I ran in 2004 you were all ghost?

A few people in the room snicker.

Sharpton: Ya'll are bogus as hell. You picked that nursery rhyming cat, but didn't help me?

Secy: We were with you in spirit, Bro. Sharpton. But back to The Race Card ...

Harper: Does Brother Obama even know we're meeting about this? Doesn't he get final say?

The Big O: Special Agent Obama knows about Operation David Palmer, but he is not in charge of it ... I am. I've worked too hard and lost too much to see this slip away because of Tina Fey wants to take off her snowshoes and put down her moose burgers to play the trailer park MILF vice president to the Crypt Keeper ... MILF? Did I use that right? I normally don't use that word.

Secy: You used it beautifully, O. Nicely played.

Romney: That bitch.

Secy: Language!

Romney: That was supposed to be me!

Harper: It might have been you. He could have gone with Pawlenty.

Romney: Pawlenty? He's just a dull, ordinary Evangelical. I'm a Mormon. We're like Americanized Evangelicals on steroids. They say they love America but they refuse to believe that Jesus Christ came to America after the Resurrection. So I say the LDS kicks all their theocratic bigot asses. BLACK POWER!

Sharpton: Lawd, why did ya'll sit me next to this fool?

Romney: It was supposed to be me. But I'll make him pay. DAMN YOU, JOHN MCCAIN! The bitch isn't half the bitch I could have been. I'm so bitchier than she is. Why did I have to be born with a penis?

Romney begins sobbing. Suzanne Malveaux frowns then reaches out to pat him on the shoulder.

Malveaux: There. There. It will be ... OK.

Romney: Has anyone ever told you that you smell like Werther's Originals and clove cigarettes?

Secy: Can we get back on the point of discussion?

Councilwoman N: If we were to deploy the race card how would we use it, who would use it and how would it benefit the operation?

Councilman X: It would have to be Bro. Jackson. He's the most experienced with it.

Councilman J: Bro. Jackson is still on probation.

Jackson: Once again, HNIC, Big O, a thousand apologizes, your excellencies.

The Big O: It can't be Jackson. Everyone is expecting it to be Jackson. It's too obvious. It would have to be someone white Americans actually respect and aren't intimidated by.

Councilman T: Will Smith?

The Big O: I was thinking Colin Powell, but Will Smith? That sounds good.

Councilwoman X: They could both do it. Deploy it on two fronts. Will Smith could do it virally through the internet and Powell could go on the Sunday talk shows or even hold a press conference calling on the racism in this political campaign. The Republicans won't know what hit them.

Councilman T: We could have Powell come out ... finally ... and endorse Obama then just whip it out, like, "You know what time it is. Beat that." The media, the Republicans won't know what hit 'em. Colin Powell and Will Smith are beloved Negroes, just like The Big O, and thus are the last Negroes they'd suspect.

The Big O: Sometimes I think I deployed my plan too early. Maybe if I'd just waited until after the primaries ... Instead I jumped up shouting "He is the one" like I was giving away cars.

Malveaux: You mustn't second guess yourself, O. You took a big risk, but it was the right thing to do. You can't deploy The Race Card anyway. You're too important to the mission.

Barnard: You all are talking crazy if you think Will Smith and Colin Powell are going to put their careers on the line for Operation David Palmer. They saw what happened to, O, and I'm sorry, Big O if I offend you in anyway because I respect you so much, but those white women turned on you like a flock of ravenous crows.

The Big O: After all I'd done for them. I gave them Rachel Ray and Dr. Phil and all they gave me was the finger.

Councilman X: Shit. Rachel Ray and Dr. Phil are reason enough to give you the finger alone.

The Big O gives an icy glare to Councilman X.

Councilman X: I'm sorry.

The Big O: Who else could deploy The Race Card?

Sharpton: Let me do, Big O! Gimmie a shot! I got Don Imus fired!

Harper: I thought it was the black executives and employees of NBC/Universal who got Imus fired?

Sharpton: I helped! And how is Hill Harper young ass up in here? He's still got Similac on his breath! He better have a bag on his head!

Harper: How long do we have to entertain this foolishness? Really?

Barnard: I'm with Harper. Can we put a muzzle on him or something because I thought I'd be OK being in the same room with him with a bag on his head, but I'm still finding him disturbing.

Sharpton: Aren't you a Republican?

Barnard: I'm a center right independent.

Sharpton: Like I said, aren't you a Republican?

Secy: Rev. Sharpton, SCAN is a bipartisan organization. Now, please, before Ms. Barnard's suggestion comes to fruition.

Sharpton: I'm just saying. She could be a spy.

Barnard: I'm not a spy. And for the record I am against playing The Race Card, in any scenario and under any situation.

Sharpton: Like I said. She's a spy. Why would she be so against playing The Race Card? Donny Osmond over here is fine with it and he's a Republican.

Romney: Oh, we use The Race Card all the time. I mean, we're pros at it really. The biggest thing to do is imply that a black person is using The Race Card. That's called the Reverse Race Card, where you play the card by accusing the other person of playing it first. It's a great distraction technique. Not that I've ever used it myself. Down with the white man. Black power!

Malveaux: Michelle isn't a spy. She's been vetted.

Barnard: There has to be other options besides The Race Card. What about infiltrating the Palin camp? How is that mission going?

Secy: Agent Malveaux, how are things going with the Palins?

Malveaux: Todd is reluctant but he's still doing all he can to ruin his wife's campaign. Gov. Palin is busy practicing how to pronounce the names of foreign dignitaries. There's still a good chance it will just collapse all on its own, but there's no guarantee. It would have to be an astronomical slip up to shame McCain. I mean, the woman's a so-called family values morality candidate and has a pregnant teenage daughter. If they're willing to forgive that the most we can hope for is that she'll be a secret gay or will be caught running a dogfighting ring.

Secy: Gov. Romney? How's Mission Montezuma's Revenge going?

Romney: Oh, I'm really opening up some great things on all fronts. I've been advising both Palin and McCain on the economy and I just make shit up. They're so stupid. I told them we could pay down the national debt by selling the territories. Then I told Palin Hawaii was a territory and that the Japanese had already made an offer. It's great. They both don't have a fucking clue ... yet they're running for president and NOT ME! What did I do wrong? WHAT! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

Harper: You flipped on ever issue you'd ever campaigned on.

Barnard: You come off as plastic and insincere.

Councilman X: You would just lie for no reason. Like the shit with MLK and your dad. I mean, what the hell?

The Big O: I just don't like you. I don't even really have a reason. I just don't like you.

Sharpton: You're an asshole. How about that? Can you understand that? You're just an asshole.

Romney: OK. I get it ... but I could still be president, right? In 2012? You can learn how to fake sincerity right? How do you do it Jesse?

Jackson: I don't fake anything.

Sharpton: You faked your support to embarrass your ass on national television.

Jackson: I can support Agent Obama and still disagree with him.

Sharpton: Nuts! You said cut off his nuts!

Secy: Please! This is getting us nowhere.

Jackson: So what are we doing? Are we calling Colin?

Everyone looks around at each other.

The Big O: I'll do it personally. He trusts me.

Barnard: This is a mistake.

Secy: Let's vote on it. All in favor of deploying the race card?

Everyone's hands go up except for the HNIC, Michelle Barnard and Suzanne Malveaux. Romney has raised his hand the highest to the point that he is almost out of his chair.

Romney: Play it, HNIC! Play it!

Secy: All opposed?

Only Michelle and Suzanne's hands come up.

Secy: HNIC? You have the final say in all this. It seems the committee wants to go ahead and deploy the race card. We'll need the launch codes.

The HNIC looks at the secretary, then the committee.

HNIC: Not yet. Let's wait until after the debates and meet again then.

Romney: But that might be too late!

Secy: Silence. The HNIC has spoken. We'll hold off on playing The Race Card ... for now. Meeting adjourned.

The Palin Problem

2008-09-07T10:02:00.007-05:00

Re: Operation The Real David Palmer
To: Election Rules and Bylaws committee
CC: Black Ops
From: Shaka Azaria, field research agent
Subj: Alternative scenarios to resolve the "Palin Problem"

In light of the changing situation in Operation TRDP, I have suggested that we come up with some "alternative" scenarios to fetter Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin out of the race thus undermining the campaign of Republican rival, Sen. John McCain.

I have been in contact with Agent Ned Nanook of the North aka "Triple N," and there are some concerns that he will not go "all the way" with his mission to ruin the campaign of his wife. Something about "loving her." Special Agent Malveaux is doing her best to counteract this unforeseen devotion to such a woman who is not Suzanne Malveaux.

Seriously, how could anyone choose that faux school marm who's look like Tina Fey a la a Skinamax feature called "Naughty Teacher Assistants 6: Attack of the 12 inch rulers."

Not that I've ever watched such a thing.

Suzanne, when dressed appropriately with a cigarette dangling from her lips looks like a "hawt" Creole version of a Russian counter-intelligence James Bond vixen.

But that's just my opinion.

Since there is a 30 percent chance Agent Malveaux will not be able to properly manipulate Triple N, I am suggesting these following alternatives to bait and embarrass Gov. Palin.

BEAT THE PRESS

Scenario #1:

Media Watch. Palin didn't show up on any of the Sunday shows the weekend of Sept. 6th. This leads me to believe that she's basically a punk ass ... you know what. All talk. No game. Even Special Agent Obama took on The Russert. Both Clintons took on The Russert. What's so scary about Chris Wallace, Wolf Blitzer, Tom Brokaw and George Stephanopoulos? The only one worth fearing is Bob Schieffer on CBS and he only has a half hour show. How badly knifed up can you get with questions in a half hour?

Yeah, it's with Schieffer, who was The Russert's only real competition outside of the pugilists on "60 Minutes" who are scary as hell (except Anderson Cooper. Seriously. How did he get on there? Leslie Stahl and Andy Rooney could kick his ass and Andy can barely hold his own head up.)

Columnist/feminist writer Joan Walsh of Salon.com has started her own Palin media watch (using a widget created by MoveOn.org) to see when this wunderkind is going to pop up in an interview with someone, anyone.

While our operatives in the media and on the Web apply pressure to embarrass her into showing up on any show (I mean, FOX News? She couldn't go on Hannity's America? It's not like he's going to ask a hard question other than, "Do you have legs and do you know how to use them?" He's a pig, but a kiss as for his own kind.)

I have some "theories" that Palin is a mere empty suit who would wither under the scrutiny of the national press, but we mustn't overplay our hand. Palin is (allegedly) good looking and smart, could adapt quickly, being able to successfully cry victim and gain sympathy points (despite declaring herself a pitbull with lipstick. Which is sort of like calling yourself a bitch. Because that's the technical term for a female canine. A bitch. That's all I'm saying.) Needless to say, no one would let Sen. Clinton get away with the BS, but know the Democrats, Palin could cry a river and they'd back off.

It's totally lame and sexist but that's how the world works.

OUT VICTIM A VICTIM

Scenario #2:

Find way to counteract "sexist" allegations with finding "racist" allegations against her. This many be difficult. The woman married an Eskimo. She might play the "Inuit card" if there are any accusations.

WHO'S GOT GAME?

Scenario #3:

Have First Class Agent Obama challenge Palin to a game of two-on-two basketball. McCain and her versus Obama and Biden.

Agent O has the edge as he can still shoot threes. Let's see if this Palin person can take it to the rack. Biden can easily take McCain. Unfortunate war injuries have made it so he can't raise his arms above his head, so Biden's got that covered.

Downside: She could play the victim of getting beat at basketball by Obama who is the political equivalent of Michael Jordan.

THE PRIEST

Scenario #4:

Introduce our most secret agent, "The Priest," to work his way into Palin's inner circle and convince her to go more "evangelical" with her extremist views on morality and religion.

Palin has a bit of censorship, piety streak. (As mayor of Wasilla she tried to ban books and fire the popular librarian.) She's no Libertarian. She's an uptight, "do as I say, not as I do," fire and damnation type.

The right player could EASILY push her over to the edge.

"The Priest" has been very successful at doing everything from getting Tom Cruise to derail his acting career to get Will Smith more roles to converting wayward black entertainers and athletes. ("The Priest" saved Chris Tucker's soul.)

The Priest is notorious for being able to get the so-called pious to commit major faux pas. Former Sen. Bill Frist. John Hagee. Former Archbishop Raymond Burke. Pat Robertson. That one really Jesus-y Baldwin brother. Almost every sexist, racist, batshit insane uttering in America can be traced back to the work of The Priest. He's a covert genius and our best bet at making Palin sound so insane that she will be unelectable. He'll have her quoting Revelations and calling for the stoning of prostitutes and Mormons by the time he's done with her.

I await your suggestions.

The Inuit Who Loved Me

2008-09-02T23:23:00.016-05:00

It was just another day like any other day. Going to work. Picking up the kids. Keeping the snowmobile totally pimped out. I live a simple life. Quiet. I stay in the background. I'm nobody special. My wife, Sarah, she's the star. So I just hang loose. No one needs to know who I am. No one needs to know what I do.

And no one needed to know who I once was.

It was decades ago when I was recruited and seduced by a very aggressive, intelligent and covert secret agent. I knew her as Suzy Q. You probably know her as CNN's Suzanne Malveaux.

She said she had a thing for snowmobile racers.

I said, what woman doesn't?

It was lust at first Tesoro Iron Dog race.

She claimed she was in Anchorage on vacation. I was was young and foolish then, seduced by a life that would make me a covert agent for the Secret Council of American Negroes. I didn't know a lot about them, but I did know I liked having lots and lots of sex with Suzanne Malveaux, although it was hard at times to discern her feelings for me. Especially when she would take a phone call from the Washington Bureau without either putting out her cigarette or getting off of top of me. She would actually just talk like I wasn't there, ashes flicked down on my chest.

All business. Never personal, with Suzy. I couldn't tell if there was something real there or just head games.

SCAN likes to keep its nose in everything, including Alaska. Who cares if I could count the entire black population of Alaska on one hand? Suzy Q knew all she needed to know about me.

I was ripped. I was a rebel. I wore the Union label. I had a rocky relationship with the US of A and was part Inuit. If it was good enough for her, it was good enough for SCAN, making me their man in Juneau.

After lots of hijinks in the first few years, sometimes with Suzanne in tow, my role in covert ops faded into the background. Budget cuts kept Suzanne from traveling outside of the lower 48 as she covered political news in her day job.

I often thought of her when staring at the aura borealis or while moose hunting with Sarah. Every river and creek echoed her name as I wondered how many fucking kids me and Miss Almost Alaska were going to have already. And CNN? I couldn't even watch it. Hearing her speak in that dispassionate tone, reminding me of those nights we'd laughed over how she hated my moose burgers and how I hated her spraying everything with Lysol and hand sanitizers. Laughing at how I'd never read Chaucer or Dostoevsky or Octavia Butler or anything.

"If your wife ever wanted you to not to know something, Todd, she'd put it in a book," Suzanne said as she put on the earrings she left on the motel dresser in Anchorage, glancing over her shoulder at me for the last time.

"Is my skirt straight?" she asked.

I wanted to say something witty, but I knew I was out of my league the minute I heard her drop "antidisestablishmentarianism" in a casual conversation.

"Your ass looks awesome," I said. "It rocks."

She laughed. I couldn't tell if she was mocking me or not, but I was a simple man living a double life, in love with two women. I grabbed her arm and pulled her close.

"When are you coming back, Suzy Q?"

"Don't touch me," she said, walking away, forever.

Years passed. No word from headquarters. Alone masturbating to Suzanne subbing for Wolf Blizter on "The Situation Room" I get a call out of the blue. The HNIC wants to know what's my status. Can I report in and how soon. Something big is going down, I thought, but what?

Soon I was in Anchorage in an old hotel by the airport. I came alone. I entered under an assumed name and there she was.

"It's the governor," Suzanne said.
"The governor of what?"
"I don't have time to play ring around the stupid with you, Todd."
"Your ass looks fantastic."
"I'm not here for that. This is about your wife."
"Who?"
"Your wife Sarah ... the governor?"
"Sarah's the governor? No way. She's like the mayor or some shit."
"Sit down and shut up."
"Yes ma'am," I said excitedly.
"Sen. John McCain is going to pick your wife as his vice presidential nominee."
"Sarah?"
"Yes, Sarah. He has no choice. He needs a woman to make a go for the Hillary crowd and a staunch anti-abortionist to pacify his base. Tomorrow he'll be flying you, Sarah and your kids out to Ohio. She's going to accept. They always do."
"So what do you want?"
"I want you to do what you do best, Todd," Suzanne said with a glint in her eye. "Take her down. Hard. We're not taking any risks in Operation David Palmer."
"What?"
"Operation 'The Real David Palmer.' It's SCAN's mission to make sure Agent First Class Barack Obama becomes the 44th president of the United States. We have a mole inside McCain's campaign. He's been pushing your wife for months. He saw the success of the Democratic Convention as an opening for mayhem. An opening for your wife. Do you love your wife, Todd?"
"I dunno. I guess."
"It's a yes or no question."
"She's hot. Yeah, sure. Why not? She's fuckin' awesome."
"Will that interfere from us doing what we have to do?"
"Us?"

Suzanne pulled me down to the bed and sat next to me. She smelled like dusty leather-bound books and really expensive shoes.

"SCAN isn't leaving one stone unturned, Todd. Everything is fair game in Operation David Palmer. Including your family. If you're not up for it, let me know now. With or without you, it's going to happen anyway."

As she looked me in the eye and tried to sneak a peak down her blouse. My God. She was so hot when she was being serious.

"Is this about the whole 'Juno' in Juneau situation?" I said.
"Maybe?"
"Or is it about us trying to get my brother-in-law fired?" I said.
"Could be?"
"Or is this about us trying to get the librarian fired, books banned, me being in that Alaskan separatist party, that whole rumor our baby is really our granddaughter stuff? That stuff?"
"You know as well as I know, Todd, that all is fair in love and presidential politics," she said.
"And you and me," I said grabbing her arm. "Is this love or politics?"
She snatched her arm away ... again.
"The bitch is going down. Your mother is already on board. Are you in or out?"
"This is my family. I don't know."
"I have on videotape every sexual encounter we've ever had, including the ones in your marital bed, the mayor's office and on your snowmobile."
"You bitch. You wouldn't dare."
"You don't want to know how far I'd go for SCAN, Todd."
"Rat on your sister?"
"If she got in the way."
"Take out Wolf Blitzer?"
"In a heartbeat."
"Seduce Roger Ailes?"
"It's just a job."
"Was I just a job?"

Suzanne laughed, "Get to work."

And then she walked out, just like she always did, only this time -- no sex. I was mad.

But I did what she asked, what SCAN asked. I suggested that my daughter use the large blanket to cover herself and hold the baby, adding to speculation. I wrote the infamous DailyKos entry on our youngest being our grandson. I fucked up her Wikipedia page. I sent SCAN the pictures from the kids' MySpace pages.

Suzanne said it wasn't personal. It had to be done. This way the McCain campaign could be destroyed and my wife would "go back to where she belonged," by resuming life as she knew it in Alaska. There was no reason for a little political campaign to come between my permanent slacker lifestyle. She had nothing to lose, Suzanne told me.

Or everything.

Sarah was in over her head, but it never once occurred to her that this was all a game. How much a game I didn't realize until I met SCAN's "inside man" in the McCain campaign.

He was there, in secret, in Ohio. He was all too eager to meet me. He knew everything about me before he even opened his Cheshire cat mouth.

"You're Deep Throat?" he said approaching me backstage.
"I'm going by Redneck Eskimo," I said.
"Eh ... I'm going to call you Deep Throat anyway."
"I have to say I'm ... surprised?"
"That I'm working for SCAN?" he said with a smirk. "No one knows about it. I haven't told Ann or the boys. Nobody."
"It's just you're ..."
"A Republican? That I hate Barack Obama? That SCAN derailed my senate race a few years back? The enemy of my enemy is my friend, Todd."
"I thought you and John were friends?"
"God teaches us not to hate, but we practice it anyway. I figure that if we get Michelle hosting 40 ounce tea parties with Farrakhan and Barack ruining the country with his backwards Liberal policy stances voters will be looking for a son of Joseph Smith, the real American hero, me, to save their asses in 2012. I'm really, really, really looking forward to John McCain's demise. Really. Really, really. Teach that fucker to not pick me! SCAN and I had a deal. I'd become a double agent if McOld-As-Hell didn't pick me. Now I'm taking him down and his little bitch too."
"Dude. That's my wife."
"Oh ... um ... sorry."
"Why does SCAN trust you?"
"My father marched with Dr. King."
"No he didn't."
"He marched in spirit."
"You have no soul."
"You're stabbing your wife in the back in the hope Suzanne Malveaux will have filthy, sinful, premarital sex with you. Everybody's got their something."

It was hard to look Sarah in the eye, even though we were trapped in a suite at the Airport Hilton in Minneapolis-St. Paul for almost three days. I'd managed to ruin so much, with the help of Mitt in such a short time. My daughter was catching the brunt of it. You think that would have slowed Sarah down, but nothing stopped her. She was drunk on potential power.

She was pushing for the kids to get hitched. My daughter was looking to me for guidance. All I could do was turn the other way and watch Rome burn.

"They'll just get married," Sarah said. "It'll make it all right. Hands will be all clean. They just have to get married."
"But she's only seventeen ..."
"They're getting married, Todd! God, I swear! What is wrong with you? First your drunk mother tells the press she's NOT voting for me and now all these photos of the kids drunk on the internet? How is this happening to me?"
"Haters."
"Damn right, they are haters! This country is so sexist," she shrieked.
"Totally."
"I've come too far to put those 18 million cracks in that glass ceiling to go back now."
"I thought Hillary Clinton did that?"
"Hillary Clinton, me, Wonder Woman, who cares!" she yelled. "She's not running anymore. Those cracks are mine! I'm the crack queen of the RNC!"

So she thought.

Suzanne, taking a break from the trail to brief me on operations, met me in a suite not far from where anarchist protesters were grappling with cops in St. Paul. As we went through the motions she explained to me the many moving parts of Operation David Palmer. How even the Clintons, looking for redemption, had joined the fight once Hillary Clinton saw Sarah co-opting her cracks.

So many people were in on it. The protesters, Ron Paul, Jenna Bush, Angelina Jolie. The list went on and on.

And there was me. In the middle of it.

When Sarah practiced her speech I was holding Suzanne close, knowing both of us would be dead if anybody saw us. I asked her if she loved me. Suzanne just said it would all be worth it once the operation was over. Six months after the inauguration I would leave Sarah and she said she'd wait for me. But I knew she was lying. Suzanne and I will never be together because she hates the cold and I'm not Wentworth Miller and I don't even know what antidisestablishmentarianism means. I'm just some redneck Eskimo fisherman snowmobile racer from Alaska who made her laugh once when I bragged about the time I bitch slapped a polar bear.

I told her I'd be her Robin Thicke if she'd be my Paula Patton. But Suzanne was Suzanne in her response.

"Your fly is unzipped," she said as she walked away.

I nodded my head. So it is, Suzy Q. So it is.

Begrudingly Backing Biden

2008-08-23T10:06:00.010-05:00

The following is from a top secret debriefing of the Secret Council of American Negroes Political Accreditation Committee.

Chairman: Order! Order! People, please!

Councilwoman X: This is an abomination. As a representative of Will Smith I implore that we use all the leverage SCAN has to change Obama's mind! An Obama-Smith ticket is unparalleled!

Councilman J: What international experience does he have? He's an actor.

Councilwoman X: An INTERNATIONALLY known actor!

Chairman: There's no point in arguing. Agent First Class Obama has chosen Joe Biden and we need to accept it.

Councilman Z: Why not Cynthia McKinney? Why? She was against the war too.

X: Please, not with the Cynthia ...

Z: (Interrupting) Cynthia McKinney is an intelligent, beautiful, sensual black woman. She would be an asset to any ticket. I realize she's not a Democrat anymore, but she's so captivating that I've switched party affiliations to Green ... like the shining emerald McKinney is.

X: We get it already!

Z: (Ignoring others) The way she goes off on President Bush and lives by her own rebellious code. She's like Xena, Warrior Princess, but black, like Gina Torres. The Gina Torres of politics. She could Cleopatra 2525 me any ...

J: (Interrupting) Dammit, Albert!

Chairman: NO NAMES!

J: Like this is going to leak out. Albert! You're making an ass of yourself.

Z (aka "Albert"): You just don't understand my Cynthia like I do.

J: She has a RESTRAINING order against you. Can we move on?

Chairman: Gladly. I realize some of you have some issues with Biden.

X: Clean and articulate, my ass.

Chairman: But Biden has voted favorably in the past for Civil Rights issues and if Obama can forgive his misspeaking ...

X: Misspeaking? We took him off the "Most Favored White Person" status for that. We wrote letters of condemnation! Now we're just supposed to take this bag o' wind back? Uh uh. SCAN is like Pottery Barn. No returns!

Chairman: Brother Obama said ...

Z (aka "Albert"): Brother Obama? Since when did Brother Obama run SCAN? I could have sworn [REDACTED] was in charge. And [REDACTED] was supposed to be in on the veep selection. What the hell happened?

Chairman: Our most honorable leader said quite deliberately in a memo that while Brother Obama was glad to receive SCAN's intel he would be going this alone.

Z (aka "Albert"): I'm voting Cynthia McKinney. Fuck it.

Chairman: LANGUAGE!

Z (aka "Albert"): I motion that we vote to lobby the Superior Council to endorse her for president. Obama doesn't want to listen to us, so we won't listen to him.

Chairman: That suggestion is in direct violation of code 2099 of the SCAN Handbook which states, "The Secret Council of American Negroes is fully dedicated to working towards the election of Agent First Class, Senator Barack Hussien Obama, (D-IL) by any means necessary. This includes raising funds, providing intelligence on the opposition, embedding our special agents into the Secret Service to avoid any 'shenanigans,' using SCAN special ops to take down any potential threats towards Brother Obama, even by deadly force if necessary. Any SCAN member found in violation of their support of Obama will be fined and stripped of their blackness status." This was ratified on Jan. 20, 2007.

Z (aka "Albert"): It also says if Brother Obama starts fucking up we can ditch his ass.

Chairman: He has not and watch your language! Biden has uses!

J: We might as well have gone with Hillary.

X: BLASPHEMY! Do not say that woman's name in our sacred halls! Sacrilege!

J: Everyone's thinking it. We might as well say it. Hillary could have delivered us Ohio, Indiana, Pennsylvania. What's Biden got? A verb, a noun and a big fat mouth.

X: She Who Shall Not Be Named is an agent of chaos!

J: Didn't you used to be a Hillary supporter? I mean, you had the bumper stickers and everything back in November. Do you still have that framed and signed photo of Billary on your nightstand?

X: LIES! And I only keep that photo as a collector's item.

Z (aka "Albert"): The only thing that item is collecting is dust.

Chairman: Enough. We have to make this official for the HNIC. All in favor for Article 149, "The Secret Council of American Negroes reinstates the Most Favored White Status of Senator Joseph Biden, (D-Delaware) due to his blackness endorsement by Agent First Class Barack Hussien Obama on account he has been selected as Obama's vice presidential candidate. With this reinstatement SCAN will do all that is humanly possible to subvert spurious agents of chaos who may use Brother Biden's loquaciousness to their illicit advantage." All in favor say aye.

J, X, other members and Chairman: AYE.

Chairman: All opposed?

Z (aka "Albert"): Nay! McKinney all the way!

Chairman: The ayes have it. Biden has been reinstated and is under SCAN's protection. Let us pray that he will use his mouth for good, not stupidity.

J: Amen to that.

----

TO: HNIC, Supreme Council, et al
FROM: The Chairman, Political Accreditation Committee, aka PAC
RE: Sen. Biden's reinstatement

The PAC has voted nine to one for the reinstatement of Sen. Joseph Biden's "Most Favored White Status" so we can move forward in supporting him as part of "Operation David Palmer." The Obama campaign has asked that we groom Biden immediately in all things deemed "blackness" to avoid any more embarrassing gaffes like the one that caused his status to be stripped earlier this year.

I, the Chairman, have personally spoken to Biden to congratulate him on his selection and he proceeded to greet me with a very tired "WAZZZUP" and invited the PAC over for a "fried chicken and ribs" dinner at his estate because "that's what you people like, right?" He said he really wants to make a good first impression with PAC and the Supreme Council. Indeed.

I rank him at a blackness awareness level of a negative 10. I realize there is no actual ranking lower than a zero, but I simply wanted to make the point clear that Biden doesn't know what the hell he is talking about when it comes to black people. Brother Obama has made it very clear that he wants SCAN to fully educate him from Plymouth Rock landing on us to Tiger Woods winning the Masters. I fear that it is very necessary that we comply.

As for our one descending vote, Councilman [REDACTED] is well known for his Cynthia McKinney fetish, but he has promised to not make trouble for Brother Obama's campaign. Still, I recommend that the Drop Squad keep an eye on him. In a race this tight there is no room for rogue Negroes.

Sincerely,

The Chairman, PAC

Idris Elba for SCAN PSA

2008-08-20T13:25:00.004-05:00

A PSA against people thinking our warm and friendly borthers are dangerous. (Click to picture to enlarge.)

Stank is looking for a "magical" white boy

2008-08-07T02:54:00.004-05:00

SPECIAL REQUEST!!! SPECIAL REQUEST!!!
TO: SCAN HQ, Office of H.N.I.C.
FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy and Special Ops
BCC: Agent Q
Subj: New category suggestion!

It's not often Dr. S asks for anything from SCAN HQ ... uh ... besides askin to kidnap Senator Clinton, but that was different. Dr. S' clippers had shorted out halfway through his haircut and he had to run to the store looking like he had wrestled with a grizzly bear. In short, Dr. S was lookin' and feelin' a hot @ss mess, so he wasn't in the best of moods ... that's all besides the point.

Dr. Stankonimilitant thinks it is time that SCAN moves into the 21st century. The good doctor thinks we need to keep tryin' to save black people, because Lord knows we need help. Dr. S thinks that SCAN would be negligent if they did not make a special place for the "magical white boy."

Who else but the magical white boy could successfully navigate the rough terrain of racial relations in contemporary America? Who else could provide such definitive clear cut answers to all racial problems? Think of the possibilities? A SCAN-certified magical white boy! He would be suitable for interracial marriage, able to "understand" peoples of color's problems, and learn to do the Electric Slide!

Instead of repeatedly denying Robin Thicke a black pass, he could become a magical white boy.

Of course, there's something in all this for the good doctor, namely experiments. Just a lil' DNA from all the magical white boys and soon SCAN could start making their own magical white boys. SCAN could corner the market! Perfect the procedure and then ... SCAN could slowly start to phase out all the non-magical white boys. *Giddy with glee*

Agent Q, you know this is a good idea, kid! Don't even front! Instead of having white boys try to ~~steal swag~~ co-opt everything we can create them with some style. Think about it. No more dated references to No Homo! Son, go to bat for me on this one! It's a sure fire grand slam.

----------------------------------------------------

TO: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy and Special Ops
FROM: The Secy. to the HNIC
RE: Category suggestion

The concept could be promising if properly utilized. To what end would these so-called "Magic White Boys" mean? Are these drones we are creating to infiltrate the white patriarchy to spy on its infrastructure? Are they a means of extracting revenues from people who swoon over a black man's tenor coming out of a white man's mouth in song? Is this an attempt at "pimping" the white man? Because while some members might be interested in an army of gullible Justin Timberfakes dead set on taking down our enemies (re: Bill O'Reilly, BET, the recording industry, the Uncle Ruckus Brigade, a terrorist group of rogue former SCAN agents intent on destroying black people, and menthol cigarettes, etc.), that does seem problematic in the long run.

Who will house and feed these magical white boys? Who will train them? How will they further the cause of self-sufficiency and success in the black community? Is this a "Manchurian Candidate" situation? And what about blow back? What if they learn too much about the inner workings of black society and possibly attempt to subvert it? We're already fighting a hostile takeover (per usual) with the NAACP. We don't feel like recruiting a bunch of white guys and then having some group like the NRA, PETA or the Green Party attempt take over SCAN.

Still, it wouldn't hurt to take a second look at Thicke. After all, Bob Deniro, current ambassador to the white folk is getting on in years and Roger Ebert has been too ill to participate in our cross-racial outreach program. But I don't know if we can extend full membership to Thicke at this time. (We have a backlog of white applicants looking for blackness credentials, including several re-filings by previously denied white people -- re: Kim Kardashian and Justin Timberlake.)

I might be able to get Thicke up for review at our next meeting, but some brothers have been grumbling that we aren't accepting enough pro-black white women into the program. They are threatening to filibuster Harry Connick Jr.'s full black pass credentials and that simply cannot happen.

Right now we have some feelers out to actress Ellen Pompeo of Grey's Anatomy, as she might be more palatable to some of our more ... ahem ... recalcitrant female board members who appear to be dead set on denying Kim Kardashian a pass of any kind. There are, after all, some standards as to what sort of good white folk we want in SCAN's fold. We can't be seen as lowering our standards and letting just anybody in, like that Coco person that New Jack City guy on Law & Order SVU is married to. I shudder at the thought.

SCAN only wants the best of the best of what white people have to offer. Like iPhones and Whole Foods.

Let's let this marinate until the board convenes.

Entry written by Stankonimilitant and The Black Snob

Get Yer SCAN Gear

2008-07-26T10:40:00.003-05:00

Join the revolution! Finally The Secret Council has gotten off their CP time to put their fierce logo on bags, shirts, hats and other items up for sale on Midwestern precinct leader, code name "Black Snob's" CafePress.com page.

Check out the page and help support the revolution!

SCAN Bidness: Is There A Push to Push the MAN From Rainbow/PUSH Out?

2008-07-17T19:25:00.007-05:00

The following was written by SCAN's partner at What About Our Daughters, Special Blackness Agent, codename "Gem." Our field agent is concerned about a rumored campaign to have comedian Bernie Mac and Reverend Jesse Jackson's blackness certification revoked. Here is her report. SCAN will later convene to discuss these rumors, but we're on permanent CP time so ... um, it might be awhile.

On Saturday, I wrote a post on Bernie Mac's performance at a Barack Obama event (Bernie
Mac Embarrasses the HEY-ELL OUT OF Barack Obama: Acolytes Shut It DOWN! ) Subsequently, I was emailed an intercepted urgent communique indicating that this weekend both Jesse Jackson and comedian Bernie Mac were referred to SCAN (Secret Council of American Negroes).

I have no doubt that the Obama Acolytes *shivers* are behind this. Every Black person that has violated the 11th Commandment has been threatened with having their Black Pass revoked. This is a very serious turn of events to have both of them referred to the Blackness Assessment Committee of the SCAN Licensing Board in the same week. In addition the communique has indicated that Obama Acolytes have finally won a majority on the Blackness Assessment Committee. If this is true, these are perilous times for us all.

SCAN HAS NO JURISDICTION TO REVIEW JACKSON, PER THE COVENANT BETWEEN BLACK AMERICANS

I don't care one way or the other about Bernie, however, Jesse Jackson marched with MLK. Having reviewed Covenant Between Black Americans, I believe it provides that every Black person who marched with Dr. King obtained a Black Pass in for life under Section 567.08(a)2B of the Covenant Between Black Americans. Section 567.08(a)2B provides:

Any person having shown that they were in the vicinity of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. during a march, demonstration, sermon or speech shall retain possession of their "Black Pass" in perpetuity. This subsection shall extend to those assembled on sidewalks during said marches, speeches or demonstrations and those who contemplated attending, yet changed their mind at the last minute and stayed home....They MEANT to go.

In other words, they can never have their Black Passes revoked no matter what they may have done or not done in the 40 years since King's death. If they marched with King, as many of them are fond of reminding us, then they are exempt. END. OF. STORY. Therefore SCAN or any of its committees, subcommittees or licensing boards have NO JURISDICTION to review an application to revoke Jackson's Black Pass. In addition to people who marched with Dr. King, it is my understanding that some entertainers, athletes, Black employees of Viacom and Black billionaires are also exempt from SCAN review as well.

Apparently the Obama Acolytes are attempting to have the grandfather clause revoked as it applies to this year's presidential election. They are claiming some kind of exception to Section 567.08(a)2B called the 1600 Pennsylvania Rule which states, in part:

Notwithstanding any other section of the Covenant, in the event that any person of African American descent gets within one mile of the presidency, all other sections of this Covenant shall be superseded by the 11th Commandment.

I do not believe that there is any 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Exception. The Acolytes have made two previous attempts at similar measures with John Lewis and Andrew Young, but this time the communique indicated that they MAY have obtained a majority on the Black Assessment Committee.

How is this possible? Jesse Jackson was the first Black man to win a presidential primary. He coined "I am SOMEBODY."

Do any of y'all remember his David and Goliath speech at the Tendley Street Baptist Church?

What about his keynote addresses at the Democratic National Convention? And who can forget Jackson beating back all of the HATER-AID thrown at Obama during Tavis Smiley's State of the Black Union? Remember back when a whole lot of Black folks were NOT on the bandwagon, Jackson hopped on without PUBLIC reservation.

Despite recent revelations of "improprieties" and "issues." The man made Black history and he coined the phrase "Obamarama" I thought that qualified for a permanent exemption from the SCAN Licensing Board review. This is setting a very bad precedent. The Acolytes are so cut throat. *shivers*

The man is over 50 years old. Thats far too old to have to endure the rigors of a SCAN review. Do the Acolytes have any compassion? NOPE! No one is immune. No one is exempt. There are no accidents when it comes to the 11th commandment.

If this is true, I am going to demand that the hearing be conducted IN PUBLIC via podcast. I know that they are a "secret" council, however there is no room for secrecy from SCAN on this very serious matter. All of America must be able to throw open the doors of SCAN and see this process for ourselves. If the Obama Acolytes have obtained a majority on the SCAN Black Assessment Committee then NONE of us are safe. We must demand some transparency from SCAN on this. It is the only way to insure fairness. I DEMAND AN OPEN HEARING! SCAN's policy decisions and edicts have import on all of Black America and secrecy cannot be used to cloak the Acolytes and their chicanery.

P.S. My people... CALM DOWN. It is a long way to November. Pace yourselves. This thing hasn't even gotten started yet. Wait until October.

It'll Get You High

2008-07-16T23:23:00.001-05:00

"It'll Get You High."

Setting: MSNBC studios. Chris Matthews is sitting at the "Hardball" set reading through the script while Andrea Mitchell sits across from him also reading her notes. Both look a little out of sorts, especially Andrea who keeps scratching herself and is sweating profusely. They both look jittery and stressed as they prepare for tonight's show.

Chris Matthews: (Reading over his script for "Hardball") Tonight! Surrogates gone wild? Jesse Jackson is caught making an off air mumble that's become a mess for ... I (slamming down the script) ... I can't do this. It's just ... it's just not the same! I need my Clinton Crack! (scratching underarms) I'm jonesing over here! Look, Andrea! My face is all bloated and red!

Andrea Mitchell: (Involuntarily twitching) Your face is always bloated and red, you ignominious bastard! There would still be some Clinton Crack if you hadn't smoked it all!

Chris: (To himself) I can't go back.

Andrea: (Wiping nose, suddenly calm) I sometimes huff paint thinner.

Chris: Really? Does it work?

Andrea: It'll get you high. I mean, if you're desperate.

Chris: I don't know. You said that about Romney refeer and all it did was make me gain 20 pounds and buy a bunch of Marie Osmond records. I guess I could try that Brangelina stuff, but that seems more like a kid's party drug.

Andrea: I lost 10 pounds doing Brangelina, but I also stopped sleeping, had sex with Billy Bob Thorton and adopted six Ugandan orphans.

ENTER KEITH OLBERMANN

Keith Olbermann enters the set, walking by, looking peppy.

Chris: How do you do it Keith? Your eyes are always so glassy and you always look so happy, despite being nebbish and tense and kind of killjoy. What are you on? And don't say Ron Paul freebase because Jack Cafferty sold me a sack of that shit and it does not work!

Keith looks left-to-right then leans in to take a seat next to Chris and Andrea.

Keith Olbermann: (whispers) I have something TEN TIMES more potent than Clinton Crack.

Chris: I'm interested.

Keith: Obama Opium.

Chris: Opium? They still make that?

Keith: No. Not just regular opium. Obama Opium. It's the main ingredient in Black Tar Heroin.

Chris: I think they liked to be called African American now.

Keith: What?

Chris: It would be African American Tar Heroin. You know? I thought you were more racially sensitive than that? Whatever. Forget about it. Tell me about the drugs. Where did you get it?

Keith: Well, you can't tell anyone.

Chris: This is just between you me and Andrea.

Andrea: (twitching) Did you just say you had some Clinton Crack?

Keith: No.

Andrea: Because we'd have some if Chris hadn't smoked it all!

Chris: I get it, Andrea! I'm a fat bastard. All right, Keith. Tell us. Where did you get the stuff?

Keith: (mumbles) Muurrr-murrrr.

Chris: What? Speak up. Why are you mumbling?

Keith: Sean Hannity.

Chris: What?

Keith: I got it through Alan Combs from Sean Hannity. I was desperate. It so hard to act like I give a shit night after night. I just needed a little something to take the edge off. I used to snort that Bush Blow, but it doesn't work like it used to. Plus it made me really, really angry. Or maybe that was just the Rove 'Roids. I was trying to lose weight. I just needed something to even me out and Combs told me Sean was smoking the Big O every night. He hooked me up.

Chris: Does it work?

Keith: Oh (smiling) ... it'll get you high.

Chris: Can you boil it down like real Heroin because I just want to take a shot of Barack and put it in a hypodermic needle and shoot it right into my eye ball?

Keith: I think I have a spoon around here somewhere.

Chris: I'm excited about this. I mean, I've been using Clinton Crack since 1992. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. But I only partied with it. Nothing serious. Then one day, boom, it was gone. I forgot about it. Didn't touch anything. But then they came back. And there was just so much of it. I didn't really pace myself. So ... so I'm in deep shit. I mean. I gotta have it. I need it. I want it. But they cut me off. I asked James Carville two months ago if I could get 5 grams of Bubba for $50 and that son-of-a-bitch said "Drug store's closed." Can you believe that? Drug store's closed! I've had to get my Clinton Crack through Andrea ever since.

Andrea: Alan got me hooked.

Keith: Alan Combs?

Andrea: Alan Greenspan. They still talk sometimes.

Keith: (to Chris while cooking the drugs) Don't go crazy with this. Alan said Hannity's been hitting it so hard he almost OD'ed while watching some Rev. Wright footage Sunday. He's sobriety partners with Rush Limbaugh now.

Chris: I bet Rush does a lot of this stuff.

Keith: Nah. He's on Nicorette and OxyContin-laced Twinkies dipped in embalming fluid now.

Andrea: They call them "RushBaughs." I tried that once and I woke up fully dressed in a bathtub full of water after a party at Brian Williams' house. Brian doesn't do drugs but Willard Scott was passing them out. I just thought they were hor' devours. One minute I was dancing to Starland Vocal Band and making out with Ann Curry, then the next I was up to my neck in warm, soapy water. It was sooo awkward when Brian asked me to pass him the soap. He has very nice abs for such a boring man.

Keith: Wait ... he was?

Andrea: He said he didn't want to wake me, but regained consciousness when my head slipped underwater and I almost inhaled his loofah. And that's not a euphemism. I was actually gagging on a his sponge.

Keith finishes cooking the Obama Opium and draws it into a hypodermic needle.

Keith: You kissed Ann Curry? What was that like?

Andrea: She tasted like cocaine and strawberries.

Chris: (Annoyed) Enough with the chit chat! Let's do this. (Rolls up sleeve and ties belt around forearm) Get me high, mother fucker!

Cross-posted on The Black Snob

He Sees Something Wrong With A Little Bump N' Grind

2008-06-26T17:02:00.003-05:00

SPECIAL COMMUNIQUE!!! SPECIAL COMMUNIQUE!!!
FROM: Dr. Stankonimilitant
TO: SCAN HQ
SUBJ: R. Kelly aftermath

After the foolishness of the R. Kelly trial and his subsequent acquittal raises some serious questions. Dr. S thinks that Mr. Robert Sylvester Kelly needs "special" treatment, preferably with a straitjacket and padded walls. By the slimmest of margins, Kels avoided lookin like this...

as opposed to this....

It is the good doctor's professional opinion that Mr. Robert Sylvester Kelly's Black pass be subjected to rigorous review. There has to be a line in the sand. Kels has reinvented himself more times than Snoop. This is also bringing up a bad phase in bad black behavior. From being shocked when a black man didn't get hung for killing a white woman during the OJ trail to Michael Jackson routinely Moonwalking right out of the courtroom on Jesus Juice charges, suddenly wealthy black men are able to buy their way out of jail time. This was not the intention of our "Trees Are For Leaves," anti-lynching campaign from 1901 thru 1972.

**Written for SCAN by Dr. Stankoniforous.

Save Our Negroes!

2008-06-26T16:27:00.007-05:00

TO: SCAN Product Development Department
FROM: Lucious Newhouse, designer
RE: SABP

For your approval:

In light of the continued practice of police officers shooting defenseless black people while they are carrying everything from a sandwich to a cellphone to a wallet in their hands, the members of SABP (Save Our Black People), Anti-Police Brutality Unit are desperate to find a temporary solution to stem the tide long enough for SCAN to come up with a viable solution.

It with all seriousness we are considering putting this latest product into mass production right away.

Example #001 (click to enlarge)

Too subtle? We could add bullet holes across "Don't Shoot" with red blood dripping.

Thank you and we await your reply.

Blackness Approved! Blackness Denied!

2008-06-12T09:17:00.010-05:00

June 12, 2008

TO: SCAN Licensing Board

FROM: Blackness Assessment Committee

RE: Approvals, denials and recent applications

Per your request, here is the BAC's status list for places, individuals and things up for review in their status as being authentically black. Please recognize that BAC has a serious backlog due to a recent surge in blackness applications.

Please give feedback for any changes or suggestions ASAP.

Sincerely,

Lamar Jackson

BAC Chairman

--------------------------------

Blackness Application Rulings/Pending Reviews

APPROVALS:

Entity: Cable News Network (CNN)

Reasons for approval: CNN has hired a crop of handsome black male and female anchors and reporters. Also CNN is located in Atlanta, Ga., "Chocolate City" and is addicted to doing hastily put together but sometimes interesting "Black In America" pieces. It's not perfect, but at least they tried. Plus, the network was created by long time "Friend o' Negroes," Ted Turner.

Recommended license: Temporary. Must be reviewed and renewed annually

Individual: Robin Thicke, R&B Singer

Reasons for approval: We didn't realize he was a white guy when we invited him to perform at SCAN's Annual Belts for Boys Benefit Gala where SCAN raises funds to purchase belts for the saggy pants of America's youth. We were pleasantly surprised.

Recommended license: Class Five Entertainment License

Individual: Harry Connick Jr., Jazz vocalist/musician

Reasons for approval: He's Harry Connick Jr. He had us at forever.

Recommended license: Legally Black

Things deemed "black approved" for popular Negro consumption:
Enjoy these things without having your blackness credentials questioned

Maroon 5
Guitar Hero
Gawker.com
Vegetarianism
Hockey (It's cool. All our Negro Canadian friends said so.)
Velvet Revolver
Being on anti-depressants
Dockers
Wes Anderson films
Not Being a Democrat
Skateboarding
Country Music
"Gayness"

DENIED:

Individual: William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd president of the United States

Charge: Practicing blackness without a license. Clinton's license expired in 1999 and he has since been running around perpetuating blackness in flagrance of SCAN's rules and regulations. BAC has repeatedly sent cease and desist orders to Clinton's Harlem office which have remained unanswered.

Clinton has been cited in excess of $17,896 in fines and has paid none. He is threatening to take SCAN to court, arguing that he was given a permanent "Ghetto Pass" by Rep. John Lewis in 1996, but Lewis claims to have no recollection of telling Clinton this as there is no such license as a "Ghetto Pass."

Lewis did admit to telling Clinton that he was attempting to fast track a lengthier licensing agreement, but that it got caught up in red tape during a transitional period at SCAN when the organization was fighting a hostile takeover by Rev. Al Sharpton's National Action Network and the NAACP.

Either way, Clinton should have re-applied when his license expired in 1999. And without some acts of retribution and remorse for some of his behavior during the recent Democratic Primary it is unlikely he would qualify for even the most punitive of licenses, BGA status -- the Blackness Grant Assessment. Better known as the "Bryant Gumbel Affiliation" rule, the BGA is named for the white girlfriends of Bryant Gumbel who needed a one-time-only cursory pass to attend SCAN events.

PENDING/PROPOSED:

*Author/Pundit Jeffrey Toobin -- We can't find an evidence of it, but he looks suspiciously like a lightly tanned Negro. I mean. He could be a little black. His nose is so bulbous and his hair is so curly and his skin is so tan. He's probably just Jewish, but, my God. There has to be a secret Negro wandering around in there.

*Singer Madonna Ciccone -- She is arguing that she has to be approved this time because she has a black son, The Boy From Malawi, SCAN double agent David Bana.

*Billionaire and owner of the Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban -- He's offering to build and fund a Museum of Pro-Black Basketball Player's tennis shoes, furnishing more than a 1,000 pairs of everything from classic Jordan's to those abysmal Shaqs.

*Apple Computers founder Steve Jobs -- Argues that to remain cutting edge in the computer industry he needs to be black affiliated as black people, according to Jobs, "are cooler."

If any additional names, places or things come up, please alert BAC and we will get them into the approval process.

Mission Accomplished

2008-05-29T20:25:00.004-05:00

EMERGENCY DISPATCH!! EMERGENCY DISPATCH!!!

TO: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

FROM: SCAN HQ, Agent Q

SUBJ: Clinton proposal

Doctor S, SCAN is in a festive mood! Folks been poppin bottles like they won the Super Bowl! Sooooooul Train blaring on every TV in HQ. Congratulations are in order! No one at SCAN has any idea how you got Senator Clinton to say "assassination" and "Obama" in the same breath, but you did it!

Dr. S, between me and you, what did you do? Drug her? Bribe her? "Promise" her a post in the Obama administration? Threaten her life? Bill's? Chelsea's? Photoshop pictures of her and threaten to leak them? Kidnap her family? Bill's family? SCAN knows that you can be a bit of a loose cannon, but this is brilliant! Dr. S, I'm in line for a promotion off of what you did. I won't forget you, bruh! SCAN execs are contemplating going on a week-long vacation. Caribbean, son! Holla atcha boy when I gets back. 1...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

PRIVATE COMMUNICATIONS

TO: SCAN HQ, Agent Q

FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

SUBJ: Re: Clinton proposal

Agent Q, in all honesty, that wasn't me. The good Dr was workin on gettin the pieces into place to bring this theater of the absurd to an end. Regrettably that was all Senator Clinton's (un)doing. It was quite stunning to hear and rehear and rehear. The good Dr is checking on Obama's Secret Service detail for potential problems. If harm comes to Obama, someone is gettin Stankonized, please believe. It will be the Syriana way.

Q, since you gettin big upped, what about me? Dr. S been in the field eatin ramen noodles and s**t, gathering intel for SCAN. Q, a small request. Dr. S wants to lead Psy Ops. No physical harm, no bodies except for Flava Flav. You have my word.

*Written by SCAN's regular contributor Dr. Stankoniforous. If you have an idea or want to write for SCAN send an email to The Black Snob.

Project: Get Hillary Rodham Clinton

2008-05-22T13:33:00.009-05:00

The following is a correspondence file between the Secret Council of American Negroes and its psychological warfare expert Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant.

TO: SCAN HQ

FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

SUBJ: Emergency request

Stankonimilitant is sure the good folks at SCAN HQ have watched the Clintons' slow descent into Bolivia.[1] It has been oogly, ya'll, like 4 popped collar Polos ugly. This has been extremely harmful to the possible history making first non-white President of the United States. The Democratic nomination is a matter of formality and mathematics at this point, yet Sen. Clinton continues to be divisive. Drastic times call for drastic measures...and what is being proposed could be a gigantic problem.

It is time to make Sen. Clinton disappear.

Stankonimilitant has said previously that he has some connections in the DoD. One of Stankonimilitant's second cousins on his mama's side is dating a member of the Special Forces. Those men can kill someone with pencil shavings and whipped cream, so this shouldn't be a problem.

Here's how it will go down.

Grab some members of the Special Forces, and neutralize ~~get them high~~ those members of the unit unwilling to go along.
Give them disguises, ie bus boys, porters, chaffeurs, etc. to get them into the high level functions undetected.
Let them spirit Sen Clinton away
Release the pre-written and forged Stankonimilitant statement about dropping out of the race for "family reasons."
~~Give Bill a new intern~~ Eliminate Bill's interference to this operation.
Leave evidence incriminating the McCain campaign.

It is clearly against everything that SCAN stands for to do this, but that's why SCAN has people like me. The good Dr. is prepared to go underground, a la Michael Corleone.

[1]: Poor Mike Tyson.

------------------------- ------------------------ -----------------

EMERGENCY DISPATCH!! EMERGENCY DISPATCH!!!

TO: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

FROM: SCAN HQ, Agent Q

SUBJ: Re: Emergency request

Dr. Stankonimilitant, SCAN's mission is never the physical elimination of those who are debits to Negro American advancement. Otherwise Flava Flav, T-Pain, Lil' Wayne, Robert Johnson, et al would have been Stankonized along time ago. While the upper echelon of SCAN appreciate your zeal to remove the Senator, physical kidnappings aren't kosher. Rethink your plan and resubmit something else.

PS. Dr. S, SCAN had an informal straw poll and by the narrowest of margins voted NOT to give your plan a vote of support.

----------------------- -------------------------------------

TO: SCAN HQ
FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

SUBJ: new proposal

After taking Agent Q's dispatch in mind regarding the original plan and the windfall that Barack Obama is receiving even in defeat, the good Dr has a new plan. It is multifaceted and may upset the SCAN ship.

Part I: Dr. Stankonimilitant reached out to Kevin Federline's people and implied that for his help, SCAN would reconsider his application of acceptance as black. This doesn't not bind SCAN in any case because you can claim that Dr. Stankonimilitant acted unilaterally, etc. etc. Simply put Federline's job is to get close to Chelsea Clinton. He has been given Malcolm X leeway, whatever means necessary. After he has her confidence, he is to be arrested for a DUI with Chelsea as his passenger around the Capitol Hill area. Damage: low level, but hopefully they will remove Chelsea from the campaign.

Part II: Mr. Timberlake was also contacted and given a similar message as Mr. Federline. Timberlake's assignment is simple to perform at a Clinton function and re-create Nipplegate. Damage: low level

Part III: Operation Clinton could not move forward without Mr. Clinton's involvement. The good Dr. has reached out to a number of starlets, esp Kim Kardashian, Scarlett Johansson, etc., etc.. Playing upon their desire for media coverage, they were told to be seen with Mr. Clinton enough to re-create doubts of his marital fidelity. Through unethical means, the good Dr has obtained a substantial portion of the Clinton travel itinerary. Mr. Clinton and his media starlet friend are to be found in a compromising situation by Mrs. Clinton. Damage: mid level, but hopefully Mr. Clinton will be further sidelined.

Part IV: Call the vendors that the Clinton campaign are in arrears to and insinuate that the campaign may not be able to make good on their debts or IOUs are forthcoming. Damage: low to mid level, unpaid bills will make their way to the major networks.

Part V: Using all of Sen. Clinton's audio recordings, splice together a message disparaging the voters of West Virginia for voting for a losing candidate.

SCAN does not have to use these in this order. They can be used in concert, but this madness must end.

*Written by SCAN's regular contributor Dr. Stankoniforous. If you have an idea or want to write for SCAN send an email to The Black Snob.

Agent Sallie Selassie: A Hair Raising Situation

2008-05-12T14:58:00.011-05:00

Recently The Secret Council of American Negroes Surveillance Unit was contacted by a concerned citizen who uncovered these TOP SECRET photos of our no. 1 junior agent, code name "Sallie Selassie" in Monaco.

Dear SCAN,
I'm PLEADING that SCAN please send someone over to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's house so that something can be done about Zahara's head. They have the money and they MUST know at least a few black people. I would say send Jada Pinkett but with the recent hair choices she has made, I see that she is not fit to dabble in anyone else's hair. I beg of you SCAN please put this mess to an end!

Upon sight of these pictures SCAN Senior Intelligence Analyst, code name "Brofucious," was immediately dispatched to check on the treatment of one of SCAN's most high profile double-agents.

SCAN: This is Brofucious.

SALLIE: God dammit, Gary! I've been trying to reach you for two hours! I can't talk long. The Woman is inhaling some lunch.

SCAN: I was trying to reach you.

SALLIE: I don't have time for this. How soon can you get Allen Iverson's stylist to France?

SCAN: I couldn't get him approved.

SALLIE: Oprah's?

SCAN: The Big O said no. She needs him. She doesn't trust anyone else to touch her kitchen.

SALLIE: Did you try Iman? Naomi? Tyra? Janet Jackson? Freddie Jackson? I'm desperate! Have you see the photos? Have you seen them? This cannot stand!

SCAN: We're trying to coordinate with our Paris office. I think there are some Ethiopians working out of it who might be able to help you with your hair.

SALLIE: Ooo! Ooo! Liya Kebede! Liya Kebede! I'd hate to meet her under these conditions, but any time's better than no time. Sigh. Why couldn't Liya adopt me? Can I get a transfer?

SCAN: Liya Kebede is NOT part of your mission.

SALLIE: But she's so pretty. And she's Ethiopian! ... I hate The Woman. She thinks I look cute. She's says I'm only three so it's no big deal. Fuck that. I look like Buckwheat in a dress. This cannot stand! And it's so tangled and dry!

SCAN: I know. I saw the photos.

SALLIE: What the FUCK is The Woman's problem? She knows how important IMAGE is! She's an actress! She has a football team worth of foot callus removers. I cannot look like this! I have to meet with the Boy from Malawi tomorrow.

SCAN: That's going down? It's too soon.

SALLIE: We don't have TIME! His Material Mama has an album to promote and he's trying to take down the entire music industry in an effort to destroy the people who make billions off of Young Yoc and are financing Foxy Brown's comeback. We need to coordinate. And I can't have him seeing me like this. Just GET ME LIYA KEBEDE!

SCAN: I'll try but ...

SALLIE: YOU DON'T TRY! GET HER HERE AND GET HER TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. I SWEAR TO ALLAH, I WILL MURDER YOU WHEN MY HANDS GET BIG ENOUGH TO CHOKE YOU!!!

SCAN: I'll see what I can do.

SALLIE: I have to go. The Woman went through that baguette like a raccoon on a Twinkie.

Average Bro's New "Man-Laws" For Young Black Males

2008-05-09T11:31:00.005-05:00

This a cross-posting from our blackness historian and pop culturalist, Average Bro. Here he examines how we at the Secret Council of American Negroes and other Negroes across our nation can help our wayward youth.

As ya'll know, AverageBro Loves Da' Kids. My site's ulterior motive is to convince you guys to Take The AverageBro Challenge and spend an occasional Saturday morning with an impressionable Black youth. I talked hella greasy about Atlanta rapper TI for trying to knock off his community service by speaking to Atlanta-area teens last month. But reality is if more black folks who've "made it" took a moment to help others out, there would be no such need. Basically, if you're not doing anything to prevent the next Latarian Milton, Genarlow Wilson, or Bryant Purvis, you shouldn't say jack when the inevitable happens.

Stepping off my high horse, I witnessed something truly odd today when I went to the mall to grab some Mother's Day gifts. As I was getting out of my car, a gold sedan packed four-deep with young black teens pulled up in the spot adjacent to me. The dudes were typical suburban wannabe thugs. Oversized cubic zirconia earrings. Pinwheel New Era caps. Those stupid lookin' skater hoodies. This in and of itself is nothing notable, but what really hit me was the music they had blaring at 120 decibels from their stereo.

Deez bamas were riding four deep in the burbs, blastin' Moments In Love by Art of Noise.

If you don't know this song, just listen and you'll get my point.

All together now... "Ewwwww!!!".

Anyways, as I walked away shaking my head, it suddenly occurred to me just why male mentors are so important. Young dudes of Generation Xbox are more likely than any other to have not grown up with a father, uncle, grandpa, or some man in their lives to tell them it is emphatically not gangsta to roll four deep, or even two deep, blasting quiet storm-type slow jams with your boys. Call me old, homophobic, sexist, or whatever ist/ic you'd like, but that idd'ish was just wrong.

Since I can't personally be a mentor to all youngins, I figured I'd throw together a list of avuncular advice for this latest generation of young bucks who don't know no better. If you know a black male 21 and Under, feel free to cut and paste this post and send it to them. Since they probably won't bother reading it, title the email "Melyssa Ford Topless Photos" or some such nonsense to trick em'. While I thought that Budweiser campaign was jive silly, I have to liberally jack the concept to help steer our young black men from the path to prison and general mediocrity.

So in that spirit, here's a few more of AverageBro.com's New "Man-Laws" For Young Black Males.

1) MySpace Rapper Is Not a Legitimate Career Option - The problem with rap music nowadays is too many damn rappers and not enough fans. Watch 106th and Park, cruise the comments section at XXL, or just drive around your nearest hood and peep the scrum stapled to every telephone pole. You'll see plenty evidence that MySpace Rapper is the new ghetto dream/hood come-up. The problem is, most of these rappers suck, and none of these dudes trying to rap have apparently noticed that music period, not just rap music, isn't even selling anymore! You'd be better off goin' to trade school, getting that GED, or just goin' back to hustlin' than you would trying to "get your label off the ground". There's only one Jay-Z for a reason. And guess what? You ain't him! Stay in school, fool.

2) Bright Colors Are Not Your Friend - This trend is thankfully jumping the shark as I type this, but what the hell ever happened to wearing earth tones, or just plain black? Bamas will rock pastel polos, Crayola-inspired sneakers, and those stupid lookin' multicolored pinwheel baseball caps like they're 3rd graders. Enough already.

3) Be Nice To Johnny Law - My Pops taught me a very basic rule for dealing with the cops: Don't! 99% of the time, if you're not doing anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about. So when a cop pulls you over, comply. Don't act a damn fool and end up in a pine box. Yes, there are some egregious examples of cops who blatantly abuse their power, but far more often, the catalyst for an ass whoppin' is some Negro who just didn't know when to shut up. Do what they ask you to do, take down badge numbers and names, and live to tell your lawyer about it the next day.

4) 'Shawty' Is Not A Term of Endearment - Learn how to treat and talk to women. One benefit of youth is having the room to experiment and figure out what you like about the opposite sex without tangible commitments (ie: a ring and kids). So, by all means enjoy yourselves. But no woman likes to be catcalled and shouted at. "Ay Ma!", "S'up Shaaawwtaaay!", and "C'mere Girl!" are not proper ways of attracting young ladies. Learn how to simply smile, say "Hello", and introduce yourself. And if the girl isn't interested, no need to insult her by hurling an "Eff' You Beeyotch!" as she walks away. Just pick up your dignity and keep on' fishin'.

5) Enunciation Is A Beautiful Thang - My Pops also taught me the importance of how to speak to grown-ups in a way that commands respect. Speak loudly, clearly, enunciate, and use direct eye contact if you want to be taken seriously. Don't show up for your job interview wearing aviator shades and mumbling to the floor like one enterprising young brother I observed at an H&M store in Philly last Summer. Discover the joys of code-switching, and learn the appropriate places and times for using words like "jawn", "young", and "tight". Eliminate the word "conversate" from your vocab altogether. If you're vexed, peep my epic The AverageBro Broken English Hall of Shame post, and it's accompanying comments for further guidance.

6) Pull Up Your Damn Pants - We already talked about the whole bright colors thing. But hues aside, make sure you're putting your best foot forward when the occasion deems to necessary. All pencil jeans should be burned immediately. Ditto for those skater hoodies. Pull up your damn pants. Liberace wore themed belt buckes. If you don't know who he is, Google him, then trash yours. And while I'm all for accessorizing, there is no rational explanation for wearing Air Jordans, a black and white pinwheel cap, aviator sunglasses, and carrying a walking cane when you're wearing a black suit... at a funeral. Exercise some common sense and dress according to your environment. And oh yeah, no more pencil jeans.

7) Leave An Open Seat - This is closely related to the No Slow Jams rule. If you're at the movies and there's enough space, for the love of all things precious, leave an empty seat between you and your boys! You are not on a date, you are watching a movie with friends, so space it out. You can communicate with each other just fine when separated by an empty seat, and who knows, if you're lucky, a nice young lady might want that seat. And you won't even have to call her "shawty" either.

8) Blunts Are Not A Nutritional Supplement - Your body is your temple; not an ashtray for roaches. Two Strawberry Swishers (or Phillies, whatever floats your proverbial boat) do not equal a serving of fruits and veggies. Recreational drug habits make it difficult to hold down a real job, rob you of pocket change, and permanently char your lips. If you've really gotta do this though, at least have the decency to partake in the sanctity of your Mama's basement, not while driving your Mama's car down Georgia Ave in mid-day.

9) Enough With The Feminine Grooming Habits - I'm a Kappa Man, so I understand the importance of looking good. That said, some of these young dudes nowadays are taking the whole Omarion/Ne-Yo I'm-So-Hood' metrosexual thing a bit too far. Baby hair is for babies. You shouldn't be using your little sister's makeup pencil to draw imaginary hair anywhere on your person. And if you've actually arched your eyebrows, or even remotely considered arching your eyebrows, just go ahead and stick your head in an oven right now. Life isn't getting any easier.

10) Read A G.D. Book - This isn't strictly a young black male phenomenon by any means, but let's break this habit while we're still young. Every time I go to the barbershop, I hear all sorts of misinformation floating around. "Obama's a Muslim." "Ciara's a hermaphrodite." "The reparations checks are in the mail." "Tupac is secretly living in Brazil." "John McCain is bringing SlaveryBack... yep." All untrue, and all easily refutable if you'd read something other than King Magazine and the Post sports section. Man Up! and get yourself a library card. Smart is the new cool, fool.

Again, feel free to disagree and flame me in the comments. If you're on board, add your additions below. But whatever you do, don't ignore the message because you dislike the messenger. Either way, Take The AverageBro Challenge to help save our young black boys and girls[6] from a future of Flavor of Love casting calls, HPV, and commissary deposits. And if you can't do that, at least forward this post to your nephews. P.S.: don't forget the "Melyssa Ford Topless Photos" subject line.

Because we go to do better than those damn pencil legged jeans.

Zahara Jolie-Pitt, SCAN's Littlest Agent in "La Cage aux Folles"

2008-05-06T16:15:00.019-05:00

The last time we contacted our most wily Ethiopian-American spy, code name: Sallie Selassie, she was working hard on the front lines of blackness, convincing her parent proxies, celebrities Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, to bring more attention to the plight of Katrina victims and to get more acting roles for Angela Bassett. Now Sallie is in France awaiting the birth of the Jolie-Pitts' twins, creating new tensions amongst the rival agents/siblings working to manipulate their wealthy, influential patsies.

Sallie: This is Sallie.
SCAN: Are you alone?
Sallie: How can I be alone when I'm trapped in the house all the time with The Woman and that rhubarb sperm donor? As big as this house is you'd think I could crawl off to a corner and do my work, but noooo. A fucking zoo, every day.
SCAN: Yeah but ... are you alone alone?
Sallie: God, you're fucking dense. I'm talking to you, aren't I?
SCAN: OK. I'll take that as a yes.
Sallie: I swear, who the fuck do I have to play "peek-a-boo" with to get some God Damn Similac!
SCAN: Aren't you on solid foods now?
Sallie: I'm fucking rich. I eat whatever I want and I want my Similac! It's like crack to me. And we get the really good Similac, not that swill poor babies get. It's hard to stay true your tribal roots when all you have to do is sniffle and you get an ice cream cake designed by Stella McCartney and Wolfgang Puck ... actually. Ice cream cake sounds good right now. Hold on.

(Sounds of footsteps. People speaking.)

Sallie: Waaa, Dada me wan ice keem cake fom Auntie Stella! Wah! Me no likey stoopid crepes! Wah!
The Man: OK. It's OK. Don't cry. Daddy's here. Come here let me ..
Sallie: Don't you fucking touch me ... I mean, waaaaah! Me wan specially designed ice keem cake! Waaaaah!
The Man: Ang?
The Woman: What!
The Man: Zee wants another ice cream cake from Stella McCartney.
The Woman: What is wrong with you? She's lactose intolerant. We've discussed this! Tell her to eat the crepes she begged for all day at the Louvre!
The Man: But she looks so sad! Look at her little face! How can you say no to that face?
The Woman: She gets the shits. Have you forgotten that? It makes her poop everywhere.
The Man: It's not like you clean it up!
The Woman: I'd still have to SMELL IT, BRADLEY!
The Man: What's your deal? You used to be cool!
The Woman: I AM NINE MONTHS FUCKING PREGNANT WITH FUCKING TWINS! Excuse me if I DON'T WANT TO SMELL SHIT! I do not have time for this! Tell her no!
The Man: You tell her no. You look into her little brown orphan eyes where she was starving to death in that village and you tell her she can't have whatever in the world she wants! And I didn't even have to tell you. I could have flown us to Great Britain and got, like, a million ice cream cakes, flown back to France and hired seven more maids to deal with the baby poop. Seriously. Where are your priorities?
The Woman: Fine. If you're going to be a bitch about it I'll call Stella. But she'll have to wait at least a day. Stella doesn't exactly have a stockpile of those fuckers.
The Man: Hey, Ang? Could you stop the cursing around the kids? Have a little fucking class, OK?
The Woman: (mumbling) ... such a fucking douche. I swear.
The Man: See? Daddy got you the cake, Zee! Yeah! Who do you love more? Who do you love more? Me! You love me more!
Sallie: I wuv cho, Dada!
The Man: Eskimo kiss! Now you go back to your room, OK? And play quietly because Mommy's being a huge bitch today.
The Woman: I can hear you!
The Man: GROW UP! This is why all the kids hate you!
Sallie: Dank koo, Dada! (mutters under breath) You fucking moron.

(Sounds of footsteps, someone picking up the phone.)

Sallie: Sorry about that. What were we talking about?
SCAN: Actually we didn't start yet.
Sallie: Oh. Sure. Whatever.
SCAN: So how are your objectives coming along?
Sallie: Um ... I think The Woman is talking ... about ... Man. I should have asked for that Similac. You know it comes in different flavors if you're rich, right? You haven't lived until you have Amaretto flavored Similac.
SCAN: I'd really like it if you could give me your update first.
Sallie: Gary?
SCAN: We talked about this. No real names.
Sallie: I know, but no one's listening. I'm on my Playskool Phone.
SCAN: We're still not supposed to use our real names.
Sallie: Fine. What's your code name again?
SCAN: Brofucious.
Sallie: Really. It's "Brofucius." Is that supposed to be some hippity hop version of Confucius?
SCAN: Actually, it is.
Sallie: Don't you have to be smart to be named Confucius?
SCAN: Just tell me if your achieving your objectives.

Sallie: Fine. On Monday I convinced The Woman and The Man to take me on a helicopter ride so I could take surveillance photos of Sarkosy's estate. As you know, I am digging up dirt to blackmail him so the Black people of France can be brought out of the ghettos and mainstreamed into society. Afterwards we went to Bono's estate for swimming and finger food. Pax threw up on Bono and I got into a Kung Fu fight with Maddox because he saw me readying poison darts to take out the maid. She caught me downloading those photos and sending them to base, but Maddox said he needed the bitch because he was using her to topple the military junta in Myanmar. I'm like, sure. Take down a totalitarian regime with an 65-year-old fat lady from Paraguay. He's such a fucking idealist. I'm really losing respect for the dude.
SCAN: Wait? You got in a Kung Fu fight? I didn't know either of you knew Kung Fu?
Sallie: Actually, I think he practices Bokator. I don't know Kung Fu, but I do know how to take a whiffle ball bat to your man parts. I dumped the maid into the sea while everyone was playing Marco Polo with Bono. When Maddox came to he was all pissed and took the heads off all my dolls. Fool. I don't even LIKE dolls. But I pretended to give a shit anyway. The Man bought me a diamond encrusted binkie just to make up for it. The mother fucker can drop a mil on a binkie but can't come up with a decent hair stylist. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? Look at this hair. We're fucking rich. Where's my braidologist? They can just get me who ever does Iverson's.
SCAN: You still suck a pacifier?
Sallie: OK. Do I go to your house, Gary, and slap the reefer out of your mouth?
SCAN: We said no real names. And you know they drug test at SCAN. Are trying to get me fired?
Sallie: Maybe. One phone call to the Big O and you'll be working the labeling machine at a Kinko's.
SCAN: I got kids, man.
Sallie: What? Are you upset? Are you going to cry? Baby going to squirt a little? Wah, don't get me fired! Wah, I can't help it if I like hookers and weed! Wah! I have your wife on speed dial and I know how to hack into your computer! Wah! Wah! Fucking wah! I'm from Ethiopia, bitch. This trigger's got no heart!
SCAN: (crying) You. Are. So. Mean!
Sallie: OK. Don't cry. I'll send you a jewel encrusted binkie, OK? I got, like, fifty of them. You can probably pawn them to buy some blow or something or whatever you use to, as they say, "party." That's what you do, Gary? You party with hookers and smoke the ganja?
SCAN: Do you even know what "blow" is?
Sallie: No, but whatever it is Sarkosy's got a stockpile of it behind his pool house.
SCAN: Just give me the rest of your update.

Sallie: Anyway. I got to meet The Edge. That was pretty cool. And Bono's good people. I think I can get him to expand his black interests to black people worldwide. Maybe get you Americans a library named after The D.O.C. or something. I dunno. I need more time to flesh him out and God only knows when those twins pop. The Woman has major boob saggage. It's worst than it was with The Choosen One. Sheesh. I don't want to be that plastic surgeon.
SCAN: Again. Do you know at least half of what you're talking about?
Sallie: When you've had a life like mine you have to learn things fast. There's no time for a real babyhood. In the desert you gotta be born feet first so you can come out that bitch running. Ya heard? No. No you haven't, Gary. You were born in America. Your projects, my paradise, bitch.
SCAN: I'm not from the projects.
Sallie: That's not the point, County Brownie. You pimp the facsimile, I pimp the real.
SCAN: Yeah. With diamond encrusted binkies and Amaretto flavored Similac?
Sallie: This conversation is dunzo. I can hear Maddox conspiring with Pax to get us Pad Thai for dinner tonight. Fuck that shit, son. It's kitfo or no food. Tell you wife Monifah I said, "A salaam alaikum."

Black Girl: Still Available!

2008-05-01T15:02:00.006-05:00

The Secret Council of American Negroes is continuing its advertisement campaign letting men of the world know how wonderful our women of color are. While some of our slogans haven't quite taken off as we would like, we will continue to push the issue that our cherished sisters are just as sexuality attractive, loving, friendly and educated as any other type of women. In fact, our sisters fantastic.

Please, continue to spread the word that black women are totally marriage worthy. Even trophy marriage worthy. But don't believe us. Check out the testimonial below!

Filmmaker Spike Lee and actor Isaiah Washington

Spike Lee: All my life it's been about black women. I love black women. The sound of their voice. The hair, the nails, the skin ... the ass.
Isaiah Washington: My wife is like the goddess Isis and I was Osiris before I met her, scattered about the earth but she searched for me and assembled my parts and made me whole.
Spike: Damn! You must be smoking the good shit.
Isaiah: I'm smoking nothing but the black woman, Spike. She is the essence, the origin of the species, she is where LIFE comes from!
Spike: Slow up. Let me write this down. This would make a great birthday card for my wife. Repeat the shit about Isis again.
Isaiah: When my wife decided to go bald I celebrated it. I relish her head. And I will love her relentlessly as she is my partner, my equal. We will fight the war together and return home victorious!
Spike: DAMN. Why didn't I know you when I was single. I could have pulled ass for days with you. You're better than a Barry White record.
Isaiah: May the man who dares to damn my wife go BLIND!
Spike: OK. Now you're getting creepy.
Isaiah: And may he be disemboweled and his intestines be strewn about the streets so the pigeons may feast upon them!
Spike: See? This is why we stopped hanging out. You're too intense.
Isaiah: Some things DESERVE intensity, SPIKE! My wife. My BLACK wife deserves this intensity, SPIKE!
Spike: Look. I'd kill a mutha fucker who touched my wife too, but I'd just pay someone to do it. You're getting all Wesley Snipes and shit.
Isaiah: Wesley does not understand the DEPTHS of my devotion to black women, especially to MY black woman. He does not have the loyalty I have. He is not committed to the role!
Spike: I'm not going to argue with you considering his ass is about to go to prison.
Isaiah: If you marry a black women you're 86 percent less likely to end up in prison.
Spike: Really?
Isaiah: That's what SCAN said.
Spike: You know they be inflating that shit, right?
Isaiah: LIES!!!
Spike: I'm sorry. Yeah. Marry a black woman. Stay out of prison.
Isaiah: She will make you whole.
Spike: What he said. And don't forget to buy the special anniversary edition of "X" when it comes out. It's a two-disc set. Twice the Denzel. Twice the depressing!

Actor Robert De Niro and singer/songwriter David Bowie

Robert De Niro: I've dated a lot of women.
David Bowie: Me too.
Robert: But none of them felt right. They just weren't perfect. They just weren't ...
David: They weren't black.
Robert: Yeah. They weren't. I mean, they were nice girls.
David: Sure. Sure.
Robert: They just didn't have that thing. You know? The thing?
David: I could have had Claudia Schrieffer, but who the fuck wants that? What would we talk about? Her hair? Iman is perfect. She's one part Grace Jones, one part Storm from X-Men. That's 100 percent fucking fantastic. I married a Goddess wrapped in the body of a super hero. I wanted to marry her and scream "me first! Me forever!" Your wife's not bad either, Robert.
Robert: She's my baby. She's the mother of my child.
David: Black girls are just so nice. So passionate. So understanding. So deliciously brown.
Robert: The brown is nice. There's smoothness to it and a youthful glow. Honestly. It's like ... my wife doesn't age. She looks, in the face, totally as gorgeous as the day I met her. I wish I could say the same for myself. Am I right? I'm totally getting old over here. But she's a fountain of youth.
David: I can't get enough of black girls. They're interesting. So cultured and well read. I didn't find other women particularly interesting. Plus black girls totally smell like cinnamon and shit rainbows. I kid you not!
Robert: We're not knocking white chicks, though. I'm sure they shit something really interesting too.
David: But not rainbows.
Robert: To do the rainbows, I think you have to be like, part Yorba or something. Or from the horn of Africa. I think. I don't know. My wife won't let me know the secret but it smells like French toast and potpourri. I kid you not!
David: I was into Chinese girls for about five minutes. But other girls, they're great in their own way, but I wouldn't date them though. I just can't go back, Robert. I honestly cannot go back.
Robert: The other girls, they're just different, you know? They're just not ...
David: A black girl.
Robert: Yeah. I concur. They're the best.

Wouldn't You Like to Get Away?

2008-04-23T16:08:00.020-05:00

We at the Secret Council of American Negroes believe that every Negro life is worth saving, even those that some would argue have run their course, done blackness far too much damage and cannot be saved. At SCAN we NEVER GIVE UP on our once esteemed, now fallen "Negroes of Note." We will exhaust every effort to rehabilitate, recalibrate, renovate, levitate and enunciate our brothers and sisters until they are reinvigorated with love for the cause and can do no more damage to themselves or others.

Due to a recent vote among SCAN representatives nationwide the organization is officially opening the books and allowing members to finally take a glance at our time honored Dr. Charles S. Drew Rehabilitation Facility located on SCAN's Island Fortress Retreat on Grand Saint Sojourner Island.

Here at Grand Saint Sojourner, which SCAN shares with natives of the Caribbean and our sister organization Negroes of North America, we house multiple living, medical and re-education facilities that work to correct the wrongs of racism, moral bankruptcy and incredible stupidity.

Former patients recently reintroduced to society include Whitney Houston and Nicole Richie. As we speak, Celebrity SCAN Rehabilitation Professional Christian Therapist Denise Katrina Matthews is on her way to pick up formerly incarcerated Rapstress Inga Fung Marchand for some "divine nasty girl intervention."

A former patient, Matthews has become one of SCAN's most ardent spokespersons intervening with recalcitrant black celebrities and advocating why these individuals need to "Get right with themselves," often testifying how she "was once out of (her) mind" but is now "right with blackness! That you, JESUS!"

She can get a little preachy, but she's a good woman.

Also, on an unrelated note, she makes excellent French toast. When at the Fortress she will often reward "good" patients with a delicious, eggy batch of her divine, gooey cinnamon-flavored confection.

"Bad" patients get cold grits.

Other well known celebrities we have helped include James Brown, Sean Combs, Whoopi Goldberg, Darryl Strawberry, Martin Lawrence, former DC Mayor Marion Berry, Oprah Winfery (Don't act so surprised. Even Diamond-level SCAN members need to buy their own four or six acres of Fortress property and have their own hospital staff in-between weight-loss/powerful-rich-woman stress cycles), Halle Berry, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson (A work in progress! We do not give up ... unless) and Mike Tyson (who, sadly, has been declared a "lost cause" since the late 1990s. We're here if you ever get a clue, Mike.)

We also offer marriage counseling (You made it through the rain, Shaq and Shaunie ... we hope), anger management (Naomi Campbell, Matthews said she will not sue you but will continue to pray for your Satan-bound soul) and college correspondence courses (You will take pretty one day, Sir Charles).

SCAN will be allowing Gold-level SCAN members a once-in-a-lifetime tour of the facility so check for your golden blackness tickets in the mail. But please, do not become so enraptured by the crystal blue waters, gorgeous sunshine and golden-glazed Vanity special French toast that you plan to habitually ruin your sobriety around Christmas time every year. We will send you to the Drew facility next to the US Embassy in Haiti. They only have ONE sous chef and you know how much you enjoy the latest French cuisine!

Here are some other facts about our historic facility:

* Our highest peak is called "Saint Michael," but not for the Catholic saint. Michael Jackson has donated more than $250 million dollars to the island fortress. After he paid for the heliport on the highest peak we ran out of excuses why nothing on the island was named after him.

* The Fortress is fully staffed with everything a Negro with issues needs. From Foie gras and Chilean sea bass for the discriminating palette. Cheetoes, hot pickles and packs of Now-n-Laters for those ... less discriminating.

* Saint Sojourner is named after former slave, abolitionist and proto-feminist Sojourner Truth. She was canonized in 1912 by excommunicated, rebel African Brazilian priest, Father Robeirto de la Llamas who would go on to create the secretive banned Catholic sect of La Virgen Negra, where he named himself "the Black Pope."

The Black Vatican is located on Saint Sojourner where Pope Robeirto and his successors are buried.

But, please, be discrete about the "Black Pope" thing.

* Saint Sojourner Island Fortress is run completely on geo-thermal energy. That and it's about 80 degrees year-round.

* No private cars are allowed on the fortress. Those Hummers and Escalades were harming the 250-year-old cobblestone streets. Also, it made it easier to wrangle the more habitual offenders.

* The year-round residents of Sojourner Island include esteemed SCAN academics, doctors and unheralded Negroes run out of the Americas for being "uppity." The island also contains the native Boa people who are half Negro and half Polynesian.

They're nice, but please, don't comment on their haircuts and love of Robitussin. It's rude.

* Saint Sojourner is presently home to the first black American Pope, Leonardo T. Briggs, of Pin Point, Ga. who holds mass three times week and enjoys the crispy, sugary Monte Cristo sandwiches Matthews often prepares and feeds to him directly.

We know what your dirty mind is thinking, but the Black Pope is completely chaste. And Matthews just likes feeding him Monte Cristos. It's a very good Monte Cristo. That woman really knows how to brown bread.

* Saint Sojourner, while technically still part of the United Kingdom, is a mostly autonomous state. It generates most of its wealth through the rehabilitation center, Oprah's fortress estate, sugar cane, manufacturing Malibu Coconut Rum and 99 different flavors of St. Sojourner brand incense.

It burns twice as long and is twice as pungent!

* Bob Marley and Marvin Gaye famously broke into the island's rum reserves and nearly OD'ed. But we nursed them back to health. At SCAN we have a slogan, "Die on someone else's watch."

SCAN is proud to say that no celebrity has died on our premises.

* Seriously. Don't blow your sobriety to come back here. After three visits we start assuming you're not serious about getting well and we drop you off at America's third best methadone clinic in Gary, Indiana.

You've been warned.

SCAN Editorial: Has Alicia Keys Lost Her Friggin' Mind?!?

2008-04-15T10:12:00.006-05:00

By AverageBro, for SCAN

I've never been the biggest Alicia Keys fan. Not because I don't like her somewhat bland and overly-hyped music, but mainly because I just don't really mess with R&B like that much nowadays. Yeah, I'm cool with Dwele, and that recent Erykah Badu was a-ite, but overall, I spend more time on the AM dial, far removed from the thump and bump of the typical Hot/Power/Kiss genre of playlist-driven stations. When I do listen to music on the radio, I'm far more of an "urban contemporary" or "smooth jazz" guy.

And besides, I'm just not feelin' those damn vocoders.[1]

[Editor's Note: I'm also prolly still a little salty over that India.Arie/Grammy thing a few years back. And I know India's career has since fizzled and she's back to working the 3rd shift at Denny's, but still, she got straight robbed!]

That said, while I generally find Keys to be relatively inoffensive Starbucks background music and little more, I wonder exactly what was she sippin' when she went all Dale Gribble[2] on us and gave these quotes during a recent interview with Blender Magazine.

There’s another side to Alicia Keys: conspiracy theorist.
The Grammy-winning singer-songwriter tells Blender magazine: "‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other. ‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist."
Though she’s known for her romantic tunes, she told Blender that she wants to write more political songs. If black leaders such as the late Black Panther Huey Newton "had the outlets our musicians have today, it’d be global. I have to figure out a way to do it myself," she said.
Keys, 27, said she’s read several Black Panther autobiographies and wears a gold AK-47 pendant around her neck "to symbolize strength, power and killing ’em dead," according to an interview in the magazine’s May issue, on newsstands Tuesday.
Another of her theories: That the bi coastal feud between slain rappers Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G. was fueled "by the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing."

This whole thing reminds me of that old Chris Rock routine. Just put on your headphones and fast forward to the 40 second mark.

"MLK was assassinated. Malcolm X was assassinated. Them two Negroes got shot!"

Alicia Keys, please stick to your formulaic piano ballads and leave the Biggie and Pac conspiracy theories to the LA Times.

Question: Is Alicia Keys making any sense?

Alicia Keys shares her conspiracy theories on 'gangsta rap' [NY Daily News]

[1] Seriously, what the hell is Mariah Carey doing singing with a vocoder? She actually has talent. My "The Vocoder Is Ruining My Life" Post is coming later this week. Stay tuned.

[2] Only the best character from the best animated TV series evar, just in case you were wondering.

All Points Bulletin!

2008-04-13T20:08:00.008-05:00

Don't let the smooth taste fool you!

SCAN is currently accepting new blackness license applications (and trying to round up rouges practicing blackness without their papers). Only YOU can fight posers! Alert SCAN to posers you've spotted via email: blacksnob@gmail.com.

And feel free to borrow the "Wanted: Slick Willy" poster, just give SCAN a shout, would you please?

Thank you kindly!

Yours truly in blackness,

The Black Snob
Editor
SCAN Precinct Captain, Midwest Division

Kevin Federline, You Are Not Black

2008-04-11T18:56:00.004-05:00

APPLICATION FOR BLACKNESS LICENSE

STATUS: DENIED

Name: Federline, Kevin Earl

Address: REDACTRED

Education: I’m getting my GED. For real this time. And I got a degree from the Americas Institute Online. It’s in Pimpology. I’m just kidding. There ain’t no Americas Institute. But I’m still a straight up PIMP!

Occupation: Man of leisure and full time “Spremologist.” I can get any bitch pregnant at any time. Women get pregnant just from looking at my photograph. I’m that good.

Skills: Dancing. Rapping. Showing up at Vegas casino parties 4 cash. Being more competent than Britney. When the babies are hungry I totally know how to call someone to come get they cute little asses and feed them. Kids love me.

Have you applied for a license before and been denied? I applied three times and ya’ll mutha fuckas denied me three times.

If yes, what were the reasons for your most recent denial? Ya’ll said I was practicing blackness without a license. Do it look like I’m practicing this shizz, mutha fuckas? Diss is me! Diss here is my life! I was voted most likely to be on “Cops” in the seventh grade. I’m the biggest ghetto mutha fucka to come out of Clovis, ya feel me? Nah, you don’t. Cause ya’ll keep denying my ass. APPROVE THIS SHIT! Let me in! I’m blacker than piano keys and I’m talking the little black piano keys, not the big white ones.

Have you ever been convicted for a felony? Prolly.

If yes, was it the white man’s fault? Fo sho.

If yes, please explain why and how? Always tryin’ to keep a white ~~nigger~~ person down. Haters.

What do you think qualifies you to be legally “black?” Made half-black babies with a 100 percent black woman and made white babies with a 100 percent white woman. Ain’t married to none of ‘em. I gots mo' game than Playstation. Now what you gonna do?

Name three “Negroes of Note” who are your role models and please state why: Latrell Sprewell, cause he had tats and braids before everyone else in the NBA and he made dem rims that spin, yo. And Ice T because he’s a mutha fuckin’ pimp. And Snoop. Also a mutha fuckin’ pimp. Pimps in general. All black pimps inspire me to be the best I can be in life.

Interests in blackness: Need better excuse for being late all the time. Really want to hear more about this “CP” time shit. Also, too hard to make it in rap game with white handicap. Sick of seeing reverse discrimination with black rappers who suck way more than me getting record deals. WTF? I’m twice as ignorant as dem SOBs. What’s a white man gotta do? We can’t all be Eminem.

What are the pros and cons of blackness: All pros, mutha fucka! All black conz in prison. What! What! Ya’ heard me? We all LeBron James, son. All-Pros!

Sponsor: Fuck dat. I don’t need a sponsor. What part of Shar Jackson is my babies mama do you not understand? I got half black KIDS, yo. Let’s do this. One world!

White Women: Just Say No

2008-04-03T11:56:00.017-05:00

Tiger Woods and wife, Elin: The whitest white woman he could find. He had to go all the way to Sweden! White American chicks have too many impurities in them. Nope. He needed the whitest of the white. Those American white women might have some Native American, Latino, Irish, Italian, secret Negro ancestry. Best to play it safe and get your white girl imported from overseas from the land of gorgeous white women.

To: SCAN HQ, Medical Ward, Infectious Disease Prevention Unit

From: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Stank psychologist, Drop Squad

Subject: White women UPDATE!

The Siren Song of White Women a.k.a. S2W2: Contagious and Spreading

Black men are attracted to many things: Playstation, The NBA, Stacy Adams shoes, rims, etc. to name a few. These things are irresistible. They are wanted, desired and acquired by many Negro males across America.

But what has consistently been the most disturbing “Must Have” item in black America is a “white woman.”

Just like the rush to get the new Jordan’s the very Saturday they go on sale, many Negroes will break their neck to get to a white woman. The lure is that powerful. And often it doesn’t matter what kind of white woman (from the sometimes less-than-stellar to the sometimes very attractive), if she’s white, she’s right!

Black women are consistently disturbed by the trend. Their reaction is visceral, especially if the white woman is in the former “less-than-stellar” category.

Stankonimilitant has judiciously been studying this trend as part of his “Captain Save a Negro” or CSN research. As always the results of this particular trend are disturbing.

According to both the 1990 U.S. census and 2000 census, black men are more than two times more likely to marry a white woman, than a black woman is likely to marry a white man.

The overall percentage of black-white pairings is small (only 4.6 percent of blacks marry whites). But the trend is particularly galling when one looks at the number of black/white pairings of our “Negroes of Note,” i.e. your athletes, actors, successful black entrepreneurs, CEOs and celebrities.

Stankonimilitant has come up with a few reasons for why white women are so irresistible to some black men and especially among our “Negroes of Note.”

Stereotypes of black women being overweight, overbearing, attitudinal, sassy, etc.
The notion that marrying white is marrying up.
The belief that white women are nicer or more submissive than black women.
The notion that a blond, attractive white woman is a trophy or a prize to be won and paraded about with pride (see “Woods, Tiger”)
The misleading idea that white women are the pinnacle of Western beauty.

Unfortunately this last notion of white Western beauty is the number one reason most black men have fallen under this false ideology. This syndrome is known as the "Siren Song of White Women" disorder a.k.a S2W2. (The name comes from the Odyssey where the hero had to be tied to the ship's mast after hearing an alluring song by the murderous Sirens bidding him to come to the island, and ultimately his doom.)

This is not a new phenomenon. SCAN has been dealing with S2W2 for decades – from boxing legend Jack Johnson’s penchant for the whitest of white women to William Jonathan Drayton, Jr. a.k.a. “Flavor Flav’s” foolishness over Bridgette Nielsen. These acts have been chronicled before. It was examined in length in SCAN’s 1933 edition of the SCAN Public Negro Handbook, Chapter One, “Hate Mail and Death Threats, How to Avoid Them”:

(D)on't date a white woman. We can't say this enough to our male Negroes of note. One should not attempt this if you want to reduce your chances of dying in a horrible and/or undignified manner. We have a saying at SCAN, "Stay ALIVE. Marry a Negress!"

Surprising fact! Did you know that Negro men of fame who marry their same race tend to run at least a 50 percent chance of not dying by lynching, drowning, gun shot, several gun shots, poisoning, stabbing, public beatings, private beatings or electrocution? Negro women aren't just beautiful and loving, my Colored men of success - they'll keep you alive. Think about it!

Sage advice if there ever was any, however this condition has cut a wide path through the black male population. This condition is at epidemic levels. And not only has it afflicted black males, Stankonimilitant has noticed Latinos, Arabs, South and Pacific Asians infected with S2W2.

To better understand the signs of S2W2, Stankonimilitant has infiltrated various black man/white woman havens such as Chicago’s The Loop, Robertson Blvd. in Los Angeles, the ESPN Awards, Georgetown in DC, NBA All-Star Weekend and various Sandals beach resorts.

Close observation has shown that often these men suffer from a “two-ness” when it comes to white woman attraction/black woman desire. Repeatedly Stankonimilitant observed black men routinely lusting after black women with large derrieres (neé badunkadunks, apple bottom, phat booty and a host of other names.)

These men often brag about their prowess for black women, some even casting admiring glances at the Jet Beauties of the Week pictures taped up in secure locations like black Barber Shops and auto body/mechanic shops.

And theses men often engage in a variety of exclamations, including many "Lord have mercy"s and "Daaaaayum"s upon sight of a “phatty” – The best example being Charles Barkley’s lust for singer Beyonce Knowles despite being married to a white woman.

This is especially startling. Despite finding black women attractive these men continuously pursue and even marry white women with the flattest of asses, seemingly going against the black man’s own love of “babies who indeed possess back.”

Amazingly very few white women have the black male's primary attraction marker (with exception to the ubiquitous Kim Kardashian) yet black males continue to seek white women out.

The following is an exchange, Stankonimilitant had with “Negro of Note (NON)” at NBA All-Star Weekend who was attending the game with a lithe blonde. As soon as she was outside of earshot, the man engaged me in a conversation regarding actress Gabrielle Union who was coaching one of the celebrity basketball teams.

NON: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm!

STANK: What?

NON: Lookie dere, lookie dere. Mmm!

STANK: Oh, you’re referring to …

NON: Damn, she fine. I’d drink her bathwater.

STANK: She is quite lovely.

NON: Lovely? She is fine. That girl is fine. Look at that ass!

STANK: It is a nice ass. Are you drooling?

NON: NICE? It is banging. Whoo. If I wasn’t married.

STANK: Really?

NON: I’d get into that. Sho nuff.

STANK: Well, your wife, Vicki she’s a lovely …

NON: Yeah, she’s aight, but nothin like that.

STANK: Oh. OK.

NON: Woo-wee! Dat ass!

STANK: Um … I think Gabrielle can hear you.

NON: Shizz, I don’t give a fuck. She need to come get some of this pipe.

STANK: There’s no need to curse nor be vulgar.

NON: Look at the booo-taaaay! (sees wife returning) Oh snap.

[NON’s wife, Vicki, sits down between us. NON ogles her implants and bright, whitened teeth smile.]

VICKI: What are ya’ll doin’?

NON: Nuttin. Nuttin. Just watching the game. Did you find the bathroom all right?

VICKI: Yeah.

NON: What that on your face? (Removing a stray eyelash off her cheek) Make a wish!

VICKI: (blows eyelash off NON’s finger, giggles) You are so silly.

NON: (flirting) What did you wish for?

VICKI: I’ll never tell.

[NON begins tickling Vicki and engaging in baby talk for the next 20 minutes. Growing nauseous Stank goes to the bathroom to get himself together.]

Later NON and Stank would discuss the virtues of Pamela Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, Coco (Ice-T’s wife), and Britney Spears, before she got chubby, for 45 minutes. It is getting more and more difficult not to blow cover. Pretending to ogle at small bottomed, waifish white women is not what Stankonimilitant signed up for, but for the sake of blackness he will continue on.

In terms of treatment, Stankonimilitant advises the harshest methods possible. Through some connections at the Pentagon, Stankonimilitant has gotten access to some decommissioned locations. SCAN could run a program called “Dynamic Yield Memory Enhancement” or DYME for short.

D.Y.M.E’s premise is simple – to de-mystify white women and to undo the negative stereotypes surrounding black women. This infomercial from SCAN would work for the later. For the former, some celebrity surgeries gone wrong might help, i.e. Jenna Jameson, Melanie Griffith and Tara Reid.

Have to end this report here, got an invitation to another NBA game.

__________________

This post was written by Dr. Stankoniforous for SCAN.

The Boycott List

2008-03-26T20:30:00.018-05:00

From the editor's desk:

As always the Secret Council of American Negroes keeps a boycott list ready and updated. While our resources are vast even we sometimes miss out on things black people really should be boycotting. Feel free to e-mail our site's editor with people, places, things, organizations, businesses, religions, countries, government officials, deities and other offending bodies you think we should add to the SCAN Boycott List of Shame.

Boycotts can be called for just about anything that offends or even looks like it might offend blackness. Believe me, there is no issue too small for SCAN not to boycott. We get high off boycotting things.

Really. We do. Just thinking about Rosa Parks makes us want to go Starbucks and threaten a boycott over white chocolate macchiatos.

Chocolate is brown, Starbucks! It doesn't need to be white! It's happy the way it is!

Chocolate Power!

BOYCOTT!

1. Viacom. (For owning BET)

2. BET. (For sucking)

3. The CW. (For canceling "Girlfriends," the black woman can't have a non-ignorant show on the TV?)

4. Lace-front wigs.

5. T-Pain.

6. Telemundo. (Because there are black Latinos, you know.)

7. NASCAR

8. Vogue Magazine.

9. Terry McMillan novels.

10. FOX's "24" and ABC's "Lost." (For real, stop killing the black characters. You're turning them into that extraneous Star Fleet officer Kirk watches die gruesomely after every teleport.)

11. R. Kelly. (Pervert)

12. The NAACP (That's right! We're boycotting YOU! Didn't see that one coming, huh?)

13. OJ Simpson trials. (You're on your own.)

14. Spain. (How would you like it if we jeered your athletes dressed like Franco and Hitler in whiteface, feeling up an effigy of the Pope while chanting "Where the dollahs at?" along to a Lil' Jon remix of La Marcha Real. We'd all be dressed like soccer hooligans too, hoisting glasses of sangria and slurring our Spanish with a Castillian accent because we like to keep it real.)

15. Trifling people.

16. The McRib. (It's condescending.)

17. Saturday Night Live. (Fred Armisen does a sucky Obama. We're not saying that because he's not black. We're saying it because his Obama really does suck.)

18. Pants that reveal your ass crack. (Let's be real. Black folks have a lot of ass, so that leads to a lot of crack.)

19. The Oscars.

20. Fried chicken. (For being so delicious.)

21. Naming children after name brand goods.

22. Cristal. (because Jay said so.)

23. Jay-Z. (because Nas said so.)

24. Nas. (because this shirt said so.)

25. Pushy church folk and "gangsta" rappers. (Enough with the homophobia and misogyny. Grow the fuck up. The gays and the women aren't going anywhere.)

26. Russell Simmons.

27. Build-A-Bear Workshop. (This is a pre-boycott, just in case they start only offering white cloth for bears.)

28. Clothing designers. (Because these pants don't fit.)

29. Actor Adrien Brody. (For ramming his tongue down Halle Berry's throat after winning the Oscar for "The Pianist" in 2003. We get that he was happy, but we didn't appreciate the misdemeanor sexual assault you committed on the stage. Never mind wondering if you would have pulled the same crap on Julia Roberts. SCAN wants you to love our sisters, but love them respectfully, please!)

30. Sub-prime loans.

31. CBS News. (Did you ask Russ Mitchell if he wanted to anchor the news because Katie is funking up the place?)

32. Leather pants. (very unflattering)

33. Michael Jackson jokes. (Try Jermaine jokes. They're the new Michael Jackson jokes)

34. Nike. (too expensive)

35. Foxy Brown. (too cheap)

36. States that have never had black governors. (all 47 of you)

37. Will Smith. (not angry enough)

38. Cuba Gooding Jr. (not angry enough)

39. JC Watts. (not angry enough)

40. Bill Cosby. (too angry)

41. Any film where the black sidekick is "wise-cracking."

42. Vanity Fair Magazine. (What? We're not vain enough for your magazine? I'll have you know that black celebrities are every bit as vain as white celebrities and in some cases - Beyonce - vainer!)

43. Vince Vaughn. (You crashed a Punjabi wedding in "Wedding Crashers" but not a black wedding?)

44. Kwanzaa.

45. ABC's "The Bachelor." (We didn't want the damn ring anyway.)

46. The weasley guy on ESPN's "The Sports Reporters" (Stop making excuses for Phil Mickelson and accept the fact that Tiger Woods is the greatest athlete of all time!)

47. Nancy Grace. (Because , um ... we don't know if you've noticed, but black women go missing too. Some are even young and attractive and missing. But that would be shallow, you know? To only care about people's age and outward appearance when they go missing.)

48. Music videos. (Why no girls darker than a paper bag? Are you trying to convince me that black people will pay to see Gabrielle Union in a movie, but won't watch a video with a girl who's her color or darker?)

49. John McCain. (When the conservative wing of SCAN hosts presidential debates we expect someone a bit more substantive to show up besides Ron Paul, Mike Huckabee and Negroes of North America "gold club" member Alan Keyes)

50. Blondes. (There is no empirical evidence that they do, in fact, have more fun.)

From the Front: SCAN's "Littlest" Agent

2008-03-26T19:39:00.003-05:00

Sometimes SCAN has to take on high risk/high reward situations in order to go places no Negro has ever gone before. These are the real heroes in the "War on Ignorance." Whether it's an unnamed agent working to destroy BET from within or a dedicated team of SCAN speech therapists spending 20 hours a week teaching Charles Barkley how to pronounce "Mississippi," everyone has a part to play. But only the best of the best get a crack at the glass ceilings of American society. Like SCAN double-agents Eldrick "Tiger" Woods, Gen. Colin Powell, comedian Whoopi Goldberg and, of course, The Big O.

These and others like them are the unsung heroes of preserving blackness by gaining the trust of bigots before smothering their racist babies in their proverbial cribs.

The following is a correspondence from one of the greatest double-agents in SCAN's 143 years of operation, a wily Ethiopian-born operative recruited by SCAN shortly after she came to this country under a flurry of international scrutiny.

She is SCAN's "Littlest" Agent: "Sally Selassie."
--------------------------------------------

Sally: This is Sally.

SCAN HQ: Are you safe?

Sally: We're OK to talk. I hotwired my Play Skool phone for Wi Fi. The Man suspects nothing. As always. The Woman, she is suspicious, but has no proof. She almost found last month's communique so I had to cram it down the toilet to cover my tracks. Things got messy, but I was able to blame it all on Pax.

The woman totally gave me a look that said she knew I was lying, yet she punished Pax anyway. As if that would break me. I'm from Ethiopia. You've got to come with harder shit than taking away the "Dora the Explorer" tape from my fake brother.

Then yesterday she thought she saw me messing with The Chosen One's baggage of Cheetos. I'd laced them with laxatives to keep The Woman distracted so I could run my communique to Connor Antony Cruise about getting his father to back an action movie based on Monica Rambeau starring Angela Bassett. She turned and offered me the bag. I could not afford to drop my cover.

So I ate them.

It was a very messy afternoon on the bayou.

As she paid someone else to wipe my ass I think she knew, but as always, she said nothing. She is a worthy foe. I respect her. But I will do what I have to if she gets in the way.

SCAN HQ: Higher ups wanted me to pass along that they've been impressed with your work thus far. Getting them to move to New Orleans to bring more attention to the 9th ward and other places ravaged by Katrina. Outstanding. Although finagling "A Mighty Heart" didn't quite go as planned.

Sally: The Woman insisted! I had to weigh the options. Let her look stupid with curly weave tracks and a bad accent or kill her and try to get adopted by Halle Berry.

There was only one option in that situation. Halle Berry is a terrible actress.

SCAN HQ: Tell me about.

Sally: She blows.

SCAN HQ: I mean, I know we're supposed to pretend to like her ...

Sally: It's OK. She's quite pretty just really, really bad, you know?

SCAN HQ: Before I got this job I had to work in SCAN's media library. Jesus, if I ever have to watch "Losing Isaiah" or "Queen" ever again. But I'm getting off message. Did you get package we sent? It should have come in the form of a "gift" from The Big O.

Sally: Oh, the invisible ink inside The Chosen One's teething rings and the sidewalk chalk for Maddox that's made out of Klonopin! Genius ... those were better than the candy necklace made out of razor wire and sulfur tablets. Helped me get rid of that nosy maid. No matter how many times The Woman told her I was lactose intolerant she still kept giving me unpasteurized goat's milk with my Oreos. No one fucks with my Oreos.

SCAN HQ: But what about the Pixie Stix blow darts, credit cards and Hello Kitty thumb drives we sent you? Those thumb drives are very important. We're trying to get the Jolie-Pitts to adopt a three-year-old double agent out of Haiti. He says he knows you. His name is Robespierre. He was the one with the Kermit shirt on at the Live Aid.

Sally: What? Those were in there? I didn't see it. The Woman! She must have taken them out before she handed me my stuffed bunny! But I could knock her unconscious if I dissolve some of the Klonopin chalk into her bottle of Fiji water.

SCAN HQ: No. No. They were inside the stuffed rabbit.

S. Sally: What? No!

SCAN HQ: You just need to cut its head off ...

Sally: Oh my God. Are you sick! She's innocent!

SCAN HQ: It's just a stuffed animal.

Sally: It? It! She has a NAME! She's from Build-A-Bear Workshop and her name is Zee Zee Hop!

SCAN HQ: Get it together, Sally.

Sally: You don't understand. You're not looking into her big black eyes, cuddling her fluffy ears! I don't wanna!

SCAN HQ: You knew the risks when you signed up for the job, Sally! This is for the sake of black people every where. You have to remember your mission: To push Hollywood to make decent movies for Angela Bassett. To make sure black interests get exposure through the Jolie-Pitts' celebrity over-exposure. And to make sure you grow up smart and strong and beautiful so you can someday lead your country to prosperity.

Sally: I don't wanna.

SCAN HQ: My God. Can it really be that hard? You just admitted to killing your maid over Oreos?

Sally: (Sniff) That was different. I didn't like her.

SCAN HQ: Just do it, OK. There's a pocket knife inside that X-Men toy we sent two weeks ago. Just slice it open with that.

Sally: I know what to use, Gary.

SCAN HQ: And you're not supposed to say my real name over the line.

Sally: I can tell from the tone of your voice that you've never loved and lost someone on a mission, Gary.

SCAN HQ: Sigh. We promise to send you another rabbit.

Sally: OK ... I want a pink one next time. And I want her wearing a tutu. And I want her name to be Ms. Chuckles. No ... Iman. No, no wait. Ms. Chuckles is better.

SCAN HQ: It's done.

Sally: I have to go now. The Woman is back from the set and I have to convince Pax to hop on his Sit n' Spin so I can recharge this phone. Oh, sweet Ororo Munroe. Why do all the good die young?

Diversify Your Mind

2008-03-26T17:37:00.011-05:00

Professional celebrity black people actors Dule Hill and Nicole Lyn; rapper Kanye West and fiancee Alexis. None as nuts as you may think they are. Well ... actually, Kanye might be nuts, but he still scores very highly on the blackness aptitude test for saying "George Bush doesn't care about black people" on live television. We at SCAN appreciate people who put the interests of our people ahead of their need to be non-activist, race mutes who only value money and placating a crossover fan base. In the common parlance, Kanye "kept it real." Did I use that right? I'm not sure if that's the right usage ... Oh, it is? OK. Good then. Keep it real, Kanye!

When job needs to be done … when there’s a task at hand … SCAN has one question …

Have you considered a black person?

We know that to the uninitiated that might sound crazy, but did you know there are more than 22 million Americans who define themselves as being black or black affiliated? And most of those black people, despite what you’ve seen on VH-1 or BET, are SANE!

Yes! As sane and non-controversial as Mr. and Mrs. White Bread America. Only a black couple would be Mr. and Mrs. Wheat Bread America. And you know what they say about wheat – it’ll keep you regular!

And don’t you want to be regular?

We’re not all Flavor Flavas. We’re more like Theo Huxtable. But blacker. And better looking, even edgy! Like Touré or bell hooks or Wayne Brady.

Diversify your mind!

Think black. It’s like white, but not white. And in a good way!

This advert was brought to you by the Secret Council of American Negroes. Yours in shared sacrifice and glory since 1865.

Gone to Arkansas!

2008-03-20T23:25:00.002-05:00

The Snob will not be updating this or The Black Snob blog over the next three days. I gotta go to Arkansas to wish Granny Snob a happy birthday. Regularly scheduled blogging should resume late Monday. I'd blog from Arkansas, but I don't think they have Wi-fi in big ol' City of Newport. Until then, everyone have a Happy Easter, happy weekend, happy whatever. Just be happy!

Reviving the Brand

2008-03-12T20:08:00.016-05:00

Warning: I apologize beforehand about this being so freakin' long. But I was having too much fun and I don't know yet how to post things so they aren't unseemly on the site. Until that day, please enjoy! (TBS)

The Secret Council of American Negroes may be an "old" organization, but we are not afraid to shake things up a bit and try something new. Recently SCAN hired the advertising firm of Goldman-Black-Sanchez-Black to tailor our latest advertising campaign for black women. But it's not a campaign to sell things to black women. It is a campaign FOR black women. It is an effort to combat all those stereotypes men of every color have of our wonderful women. Men who see black women as a step down rather than a step up. This is for every black woman of every shade and personality who wants to get married and have a child at some point in their lives. They have tired of being the bridesmaid at their white girlfriends' weddings. They are sick of looking at other happy couples thinking, "Why not me?" Tired of every girl being the desired girl accept a black girl.

We at SCAN are dedicated to making sure everyone knows how great a black woman can be. We want to break down the stereotypes and get our sisters some satisfaction. So much like how less prominent countries you wouldn't think of visiting put together splashy commercials to get people to change their perception, SCAN is kicking off a new, jazzy, hip campaign to lure you to the unexpected pleasures of black women.

Script for infomercial #001

TITLE: "Why not a black woman?" (Re-branding Campaign)

EXT. A busy street in the city

MUSIC (upbeat, light and peppy)

A white man is hurrying down a busy street dressed for work

NARRATOR: (booming male voice) Hey you!

The white man stops and looks around curiously.

NARRATOR: Yes, you! The one with no wedding ring!

The man looks at the camera sheepishly and looks in closer.

MAN: Yeah?

NARRATOR: You looked like you were in a hurry?

MAN: Yeah, um ... I was just ...

NARRATOR: Hey, how's your love life?

MAN: It's great, I guess.

NARRATOR: So, you're seeing someone?

MAN: Not really. I guess it's been awhile since I went on a date. Work keeps me pretty busy.

NARRATOR: Is it work or are you just striking out with the ladies?

MAN: I mean, I try to find a girl, but all the women I meet are either married already or bland and unsatisfying. I'm really lonely, but I don't know what to do.

NARRATOR: Have you ever considered a black girl?

MAN: (Nervous laugh) What? No!

NARRATOR: What? Are you some kind of racist?

MAN: (Embarrassed) No! I think I have a cousin who's married to some black guy or at least I think he's black. Wait. He might be Puerto Rican. Are Puerto Ricans black?

NARRATOR: Don't think about it too hard, you might give yourself a headache.

MAN: (Smiling) Oh. OK.

NARRATOR: But seriously, why not a black girl?

MAN: I don't know. I just find them kind of intimidating. I don't think they would like me. And aren't they really loud and pushy?

NARRATOR: (Hearty laugh) Oh, Jim.

MAN: Wait, how do you know my name?

NARRATOR: There are a lot of misconceptions out there about black women. They've been getting a bum rap for years.

Cut to footage of sad, pretty black girls

NARRATOR: Looked over for parts in movies. Denied the role of "the love interest," "the girlfriend" and "the femme fatal." Accused of being too bitchy or rude or unladylike. Being paraded out like jiggly set pieces in rap videos.

Cut back to man on street.

MAN: (Chipper) I like rap videos!

NARRATOR: (Annoyed) Yeah. Of course you do. But, black women aren't the women you think they are, Jim.

MAN: They aren't?

NARRATOR: Gosh no! That's why I'm going to let you in on a little secret ...

MAN: Really?

NARRATOR: Really!

Cut to footage of happy, pretty black women doing things like jogging, working, shopping and eating lunch with friends

NARRATOR: Black women are attractive and healthy. And many are college-educated with infinitely fulfilling careers and lots of interesting, reliable friends. They are good at being independent, but despite what you may have heard in the media, they really want to get married and have kids before they turn 40.

Cut back to man on street

MAN: Wow. I didn't know that. I thought they all, like, got pregnant out of high school.

NARRATOR: No. All of them haven't!

MAN: Oh, OK.

Cut to footage of black women having fun at a club, dancing with their friends.

NARRATOR: Black women have all the beauty and versatility of white women, but are 30 percent funnier and 75 percent better dancers.

MAN: I don't know. I really can't dance.

NARRATOR: It's OK. Black women prefer to dance with other women.

Cut back to man on street

MAN: (Overly eager) Really?

NARRATOR: But not the way you're thinking, pervert.

MAN: I'm sorry.

NARRATOR: It’s OK. Another surprising fact you may not know, black women don't age as quickly as other women!

Cut to a picture of Angela Bassett from “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”

NARRATOR: Here's Angela Bassett when she was in her 20s.

Cut to a picture of Angela Bassett at a film opening in 2007

NARRATOR: This is her today!

MAN: Wow.

Cut to a picture of Halle Berry from “Boomerang”

NARRATOR: And this is a picture of Halle Berry in the 1990s.

Cut to a picture of Halle Berry at the premiere of “Things We Lost in the Fire”

NARRATOR: And here's a picture of her now.

Cut to man on the street.

MAN: Damn. Black don't crack!

NARRATOR: Now you're getting it!

MAN: But how do they do it? My last girlfriend started getting wrinkles around her eyes at 25?

NARRATOR: The secret to all black women's beauty is in her skin - her black skin!

Cut to animation of a black woman's face with sun rays hitting the skin and bouncing back off.

NARRATOR: As you may know, the sun is the number one culprit next to smoking that prematurely ages the skin of white women. But black women's skin contains the element melanin which makes them tan easier and burn less. Most black women who care for their skin properly can have radiant faces for decade after decade. Why my mother is 67 and I still haven't seen a wrinkle!

Cut back to man on street.

MAN: Awesome! She must be a total MILF!

NARRATOR: (Offended) What did you just say about my mama?

MAN: I said MILF. It's like a compliment. It stands for "mom I'd like to" ... (embarrassed) um ... never mind.

NARRATOR: I thought so.

Cut to footage of attractive black women smiling

NARRATOR: Black women are spiritual and loving who are talented in music and the arts. They’re intelligent, sensitive and thoughtful. They’re loyal too, and fun. Heck, they're more fun than any ordinary woman. In fact, they laugh 10 times more than white women.

MAN: (Suspicious) Really? Where'd you get that figure?

NARRATOR: (Offended) What, did you think I just made that up because I'm black?

MAN: I can't even see you? You're a disembodied voice!

NARRATOR: Maybe your ears are racist then. You could have racist ears! You know what? Keep walking. You don't deserve the wonderfulness that is black women.

MAN: No, no! I want to hear! I want to know! If you say they laugh more, I believe you.

NARRATOR: Oh. OK then.

MAN: So we're cool?

NARRATOR: OK.

Man puts out his fist for a bump.

NARRATOR: Are you fucking kidding me?

Man sheepishly puts his hand back in his pocket.

MAN: Sorry.

NARRATOR: As I was saying ...

Continued footage of attractive black women

NARRATOR: Black women laugh 25 percent more than white women and smell like cinnamon and cocoa butter. They shit rainbows and have posteriors so lovely that if you tossed them up in the air they would turn to sunshine. Their voices are sexier and they're just more interesting, more black than other girls. A matter of fact, black girls can do 50 percent more with their hair and are 100 percent blacker than other girls.

Cut to man on the street

NARRATOR: And do you want to know the best part, Jim?

Man leans in a little.

NARRATOR: The same black women I told you about are all single!

MAN: (shocked) They can't be single. Not all of them! They sound so great! I mean, any man would be lucky to have a fun, happy girl with great never aging skin who shits rainbows!

NARRATOR: I know! You'd think that wouldn't you!

Footage of sad, lonely, but pretty black women sighing and frowning

NARRATOR: But there are literally thousands of these wonderful women just sitting on the dating market untouched. More than half of all black women between the ages of 25 and 34 have never been married and black women are the most likely group in the United States to never get married.

Cut back to man on the street.

MAN: That sounds awful.

NARRATOR: All that wonderfulness, sitting alone with no one to talk to. But you're probably not interested in hearing more about these wonderful women. You're probably gay anyway. All the men worth dating are gay.

MAN: Hey! I'm not gay!

NARRATOR: So what are you now, some homophobe?

MAN: No ... it's just ...

NARRATOR: Calm down, I'm just fucking with you.

MAN: Oh. OK, awesome.

NARRATOR: There’s no reason for you, Jim, or for any man to be alone when there are so many great black ladies out there.

Cut to an Asian American man

NARRATOR: And I'm talking about you, Greg Fukiyama!

GREG: (Surprised) Me?

NARRATOR: Yes, you!

GREG: Wow!

Cut to a Mexican American man grooming his mustache

NARRATOR: And you, Jorge Villagrosa!

JORGE: No way!

Jorge turns to talk to a man behind him

JORGE: Dude, this disembodied voice is telling me black women might be interested in me!

An Indian American man with a British accent walks over.

INDIAN: Even Punjabis?

NARRATOR: Do you have a job?

INDIAN: Yeah!

NARRATOR: Then yeah, why not! But you're a Christian, right though?

INDIAN: What?

Cut to a Native American

NATIVE: Is a black girl right for me?

NARRATOR: Yes!

Cut to a Frenchman.

FRENCHIE: I don speak zee Ah-leash berry well. Es ee black gurl right fo oui?

NARRATOR: Yes! She is!

Cut to an African man walking on the beach

BLACK AFRICAN: I'm Zulu. Would a black girl be right for me?

NARRATOR: You betcha!

A white South African man walks up to the African and leans on his shoulder.

WHITE SOUTH AFRICAN: What about me?

NARRATOR: Why not!

Cut to a black man in a suit at a desk

BLACK MAN: I'm a Harvard Law educated, county brownie who only grew up around white kids. Is a black girl right for me?

NARRATOR: You've got to be fucking kidding me.

A half white black man walks up.

BIRACIAL: My mother was white. Would a black girl be right for me?

NARRATOR: Black girls for everyone!

Cut to shots of all the men smiling and pumping their fists in the air, hi-fiving each other.

ALL: Hurray!

NARRATOR: There isn't a man out there, black, white, yellow, red or brown who couldn't be improved upon with a black girl on his arm. So stop being afraid, man up and ask out those single, pretty black girls before the secret gets out and every man is duking it out for a sista in their lives.

Cut back to the man on the street.

MAN: (Jubilant) Wow! Wow. I just never thought … I mean, wow. OK! I'm going to do it! I'm gonna ask out a black girl. Why not? I'm tired of just limiting myself to white women! Fuck them. I got jungle fever!

NARRATOR: (Offended) What?

MAN: Was that the wrong thing to say? Because I didn't know what to say.

Narrator mutters under his breath.

MAN: I'm sorry. Really. I don't have jungle fever. I always thought that was just made up. I'm interested in a respectful, mature relationship with a black woman. I am. Seriously! I'm sorry. Fist bump?

NARRATOR: (Sigh) Men, if you’re gainfully employed, own your own car and not as ignorant as this jackass, please, consider a black woman. How do you know you won't like it if you never try?

Shot of a pretty black girl alone at the bar in a restaurant sulking.

NARRATOR: So next time you see a pretty black girl alone at the bar because she went out with her white co-workers and no one will buy her a drink, go ahead ...

The Asian American man from earlier is smiling as he sits down next to her with a drink. The black woman smiles shyly back.

NARRATOR: And buy that pretty black girl a drink, be a gentleman and tell her your name.

ASIAN: My name is Greg Fuki ...

The white man from the street punches Greg in the face and he falls off the stool. The man leans in and smiles at the girl.

MAN: Hey, sexy sistah. Drop that zero and get with this hero.

The black girl looks at him curiously, when the Harvard black man comes up behind her with his tie eschew shouting.

BLACK MAN: Ay, gurl, ay!

The black girl glares at the black man. He shrugs, giving up.

BLACK MAN: I'm sorry. I didn't know what to say. I've never hit on a black girl before.

BLACK GIRL: You're black.

BLACK MAN: Not really.

The black girl rolls her eyes as the Asian man tries to get up.

ASIAN: Real mature, buddy. Really fucking mature.

The Asian man collapses on the ground again when someone starts up the music on the karaoke stage and the narrator, Keith David, is sitting on a stool singing "The Girl is Mine" with Rodger Ebert. The black girl looks up and smiles at Keith.

NARRATOR: Fellas, if you're not an idiot like these fools, stop being scared thinking all black girls are gross racial stereotypes. And if you can't appreciate the beauty and talent of our sisters, we didn't want your ass anyway. We'll do just fine without you.

The black girl nods her head in agreement.

NARRATOR: We was single before we met yo' ass and we ain't afraid to be single again. But if you do decide to try a black girl you might just be pleasantly surprised at what a great girl that black girl might be. I'm Keith David and hope you'll open your mind and your heart to black girl today.
(to Rodger)
Let's wrap this up, man. I got to a voice over for PBS in the morning.

RODGER: Yeah, I have a review to finish. It's a little late, kind of past my bedtime. You're driving, right?

KEITH: You are so cheap.

RODGER: Gas is like four dollars.

KEITH: You're like the cheapest rich guy I know.

RODGER: And I don't like to drive.

KEITH: Just finish the damn song.

RODGER: (Singing) Don't waste your time.

BOTH: (Singing) The doggone girl is mine.

A close-up on the smiling pretty black girl and an iris-in.

--- END ---

SCAN Reports: "We Don't Need Saving!"

2008-03-09T12:20:00.007-05:00

TO: SCAN HQ
FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Stank psychologist, Drop Squad
SUBJ: Psych Ops on recurring cases of CSN syndrome

This is the Stankonimilitant reporting for SCAN.

After months of monitoring the behavior of Caucasians in the workplace, fine restaurants, golf courses, folk music festivals and Ren Fairs, as well as many, many Starbuckses, Stank-0 has noticed a trend arising that needs to be addressed. To borrow from popular vernacular, Stankonimilitant calls the condition Captain Save a Negro syndrome, or CSN for short. While this condition is most commonly found affecting white Americans attempting to “rescue” blacks from themselves, it is not limited to black people. There is Captain Save an Asian, Save a Chicano and the near fatal, disastrous cases of Save an Arab.

Stankonimilitant is not entirely sure if this is a recurring case of “white man's burden” on the comeback or some weird mutation of white liberal guilt, but that's not important. The only thing is that it needs to stop, immediately!

CSN has had disastrous affects on minorities, especially Negroes. Often these actions come in the form of whites feeling “pity” towards minorities, thinking they should be more like them. These individuals do not perceive themselves as racists, but as good, tolerant whites who like Dave Chappelle and enjoy commercially friendly music like Wyclef Jean and Black Eyed Peas. These individuals often suffer avuncular delusions that only the benevolent great white father can save the dark masses from their own demise. Therefore they implement tragic programs and experiments that often cause more harm than good to the people of color (POC) they are desperate to save.

CSN’s distinct symptoms include:

an overly paternalistic tendencies towards person/people of color
an arrogant idea that only non-POC know how to fix POC's problems
Provides ignorant, simplistic solutions to POC’s problems, i.e. suggesting that marriage is the magic wand for black America.
fetishization of POC, i.e. a desire for “spicy” or “fiery” Latin women, "yellow" fever

Early onset CSN is marked by the offender mentioning how many POC are their friends, how many POC regularly visit their homes, how much they "understand" POC, that POC accept them, how they had a POC boyfriend/girlfriend in elementary school, or asked the token POC at their accelerated school to the dance.

In undergraduate school, many CSN offenders ~~fetishize~~ date a POC as a way to deflect criticism. Things typically don’t work out because their parents "didn’t approve," thereby absolving them of guilt. Some even contemplated joining a black Greek organization until they realized that it's for life.

Stankonimilitant is recommending SCAN to dispatch covert squads to further study and develop ways to combat this scourge, but Stankonimilitant understands that HQ may not sign off on such drastic measures in our present War on Ignorance. So as a fallback option, I am suggesting the rendition of Clarence Thomas, and other CSN enablers like Juan Williams, JC Watts, Amy Holmes and, sadly, Pharrell and Timothy Z. Mosley, aka Timbaland whose enabling of Justin Timberlake has reached tragic levels.

While this may not completely fix CSN, it could stem the tide. From field observations, Stankonimilitant has noticed many recurring examples of severe CSN cases in government and popular culture. So examples of these cases include:

Hardball
Finding Forrester
Dangerous Minds
Save the Last Dance
Freedom Writers
The works of author and British Imperialism sympathizerRudyard Kipling
The novels of Pearl S. Buck, especially “Pavilion of Women”
The film “Traffic”
The novel and the film “Memoirs of a Geisha”
Broadway musical “Miss Saigon”
The Last Samurai
Dances With Wolves
Mississippi Burning
Novel “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”
No Child Left Behind

Stankonimilitant cannot stress how devastating and ruinous these examples are in the proliferation of CSN. Stankonimilitant suggests that SCAN STUDY THESE THOROUGHLY!

Stankonimilitant's suggestion to combat CSN is intense mental therapy and treatment. The harshest options are recommended as best. Offenders should be locked in a room and forced to watch looped videos of Dick Gregory and Paul Mooney. If these don’t cause the desired result, take things up a notch: forced listening to the recordings of T-Pain chopped and screwed juxtaposed with some Lil Jon, rounded off with Lil Wayne.

If CSN tendencies still persist then SCAN should relocate them to Washington, DC to work for the DC Public School system, DCPS. Stankonimilitant figures if they truly want to save a Negro, then why not give them some Negroes to save? Stankonimilitant has some connections in the DCPS so this is entirely plausible.

For those at SCAN HQ who disagree with the militant approach, perhaps a more educational rehabilitation. Stankonimilitant suggests forced readings of Carter G. Woodson, Ralph Ellison, W.E.B. DuBois, Malcolm X, Frederick Douglas, Harriet Tubman, et al, aka the Black canon. Stankonimilitant is sure each SCAN HQ executive official has all these readings in their offices, some more worthy readings may have been excluded, insert them at your leisure.

Stankonimilitant's awaits further instructions from HQ on the best way to combat this scourge of blackness in SCAN’s War on Ignorance. Stankonimilitant knows to it is up to the professionals at HQ to deem what is best.

PS. If Clarence Thomas is subjected to rendition, Stankonimilitant informally requests to lead his questioning.

This post was written by Stankoniforous One.

Lost Causes

2008-03-05T17:49:00.004-06:00

Pictured here is SCAN's Afro-Italiano American Relations Ambassador Robert De Niro with official "lost cause," former heavyweight champ, Mike Tyson.

While SCAN never had formal ties with Tyson (we would avoid him mostly and say his application was still being processed), we did try to reach out to him when he officially became a publicly well-known Negro. Tragically, he didn't get pass page 7 of the 1990 edition of SCAN's Public Negro Handbook.

This was especially tragic considering having sex with women you barely know who are one year out from being underage is not advisable if one wants to avoid such things as rape charges.

And SCAN did offer him a chance to go into our treatment program in the Caymans, but that was a disaster, as he repeatedly upset the staff and challenged former patients Russell Tyrone Jones and NFL All-Star Laurence Taylor to fight him. The Taylor incident was especially disturbing considering it was an eerie portent of what was to come just a few months later.

Taylor was playing dominoes with Darryl Strawberry when Tyson walked over wanting to play. Taylor was still upset with Tyson for trying to break facility rules by swapping urine samples with him. Tyson then declared that if he couldn't play dominoes no one could, flipping the table. Strawberry tried to diffuse the situation, but he was still detoxing from an $8,000-a-day eight ball of cocaine habit. The most he could do was curl up in a ball in the corner of the rec room screaming about child support payments, shaking violently.

Tyson and Taylor grappled, causing considerable damage to the rec room. The fight ended when Tyson, having Taylor in a headlock, ripped out Taylor's custom "LT" lightning bolt earring with his teeth, tearing a hole in his ear. Taylor was so enraged that both he and Tyson had to sprayed with mace and shot with rubber bullets just to diffuse the situation.

While SCAN has been out of touch with Tyson since then, we sincerely hope that the horrible face tattoo was the last of his incredibly tragic behavior.

And despite the lower profile, the restraining order against him coming within 500 feet of any SCAN member remains. While he is pictured with De Niro above, De Niro is only an honorary member of SCAN working as a goodwill ambassador between the organization and our white brethren. So while awkward, their meeting at the opening of the new Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas over the weekend did not violate the court order.

But at De Niro's request we will be filing one on his behalf.

From the Frontlines

2008-03-04T10:19:00.007-06:00

Since the Secret Council of American Negroes conception we have been at war with racism, intolerance and the "agents of ignorance," the buffoons, the Coonery Class who are willing to degrade blackness in order to gain financial status and fame. These individuals flout the laws of SCAN and are considered "enemy combatants" in the long standing War on Ignorance. SCAN is not powerless in this fight and in fact, since 1910 has maintained a covert, counter-ignorance team known as the Nat Turner Brigade, also known by contemporaries as "The Drop Squad." The Nat Turners infiltrate businesses and organizations gathering intelligence and clandestinely sabotaging the efforts of the Coonery Class.

The following is a correspondence from our greatest war, the one within, written by a double agent who has been embedded in cable network Black Entertainment Television since 1996, before SCAN broke all institutional ties with BET in 2005 after they destroyed the last half-hearted visage of public interest on the network - its nightly news program. That along with the canceling of Tavis Smiley's show demonstrated to SCAN that former BET owner Robert Johnson and BET's parent company Viacom had no interest in making BET anything more than a 24 hour coon show, denigrating women and spreading ignorance to our impressionable youth. Because of these crimes against blackness SCAN has had no choice but to declare war on BET.

Here is a report from Agent "M" of the Nat Turner Brigade.

It has been eleven years and 12 days since I was dispatched to infiltrate and bring down BET as a junior executive.

Though my spirits are low, mind is steady. Every day I'm more convinced that at the demon who is Debra L. Lee knows no bounds in how far she will go to make blacks look as witless as a drawing of a thick lipped mongrel savoring a watermelon. I saw her slip those yellow "grillz" to him as a present before he entered. Like many in the Coonery Class he greedily put them on either unaware or a cognizant actor in his own degradation.

I still maintain my quest to thwart BET's success while gaining usable intel. My goal is still to stop ignorance before it happens. But it is a hard fight not for the weak stomached.

Many of my fellow Nat Turners have been broken by the mind-numbing buffoonery and the "Cash rules everything around me. CREAM, get the money! Dollah, dollah bill, ya'll" mentality of BET's management. I've watched some of SCAN's best minds go insane from the hours of watching "106 and Park," fearing their brain cells that they worked so hard to develop under the writings of DuBois, Lourde, Hughes and our founder, FD. Minds from great black institutions like Howard University and Morehouse College, would die. After seeing pictures of Trina, half naked again to sell another record I would find them shaking and rocking back and forth at the safe house from having to listen to "Back That Azz Up" and "I'm in Luv Wit A Stripper" hours upon hours a day.

Recently, at the safe house I tried to console my fellow agent and friend, "N," who was beginning to crack.

"How many days a week can those monsters eat fried chicken!" he cried. "And I had to take a bite of it because Debra Lee was looking right at me. I knew that if I didn't eat that chicken my cover would be blown. I'm a Vegan, (redacted), dammit! And that chicken was from Church's. Who the fuck knows what was in that chicken?

"I don't know who I am anymore!"

Agent N grew up in an environment very different from mine. I was raised around ignorance, drunk uncles who bragged about masturbating to Jet "Beauty of the Week" photos and listened to Pigmeat Markham records. N was from (redacted) and attended Morris Brown in Atlanta. His father owned an auto dealership and could afford to send him to SCAN's private school, the Frederick Douglass Academy of Little Negro Achievers in Prince George's County, Maryland. He's such an intelligent, sensitive man. In a way, I think maybe his mind would be better utilized if he'd remained in the Drop Squad as an intelligence analyst.

"Do you know what's in malt liquor," he yelled at me from the bathroom where he was forcing himself to vomit the non-vegan, greasy chicken. "Do you? It is the nectar of the insipid. The poison of the Negro mind."

"(Reacted), you're starting to scare me," I said.

He hugged the toilet and looked winsome and lethargic.

"You asked me why I was crying the other day," he said wiping his mouth. "I think I'm ready to tell you know."

N let go of the toilet and washed his face the sat on his bed, looking up at me with blood red eyes.

"It was the BET fashion awards. Debra Lee wanted me to cater to the ... needs of the celebrities. It wasn't that big of a deal. I've done it before. It was easy to blend in and converse with them by keeping conversation as minimal and as ignorant as possible."

Then N's head suddenly jerked and he looked to the ceiling and shouted, "Making it RAIN ON DEM HOES!"

He shuddered at his own words, then said, "I said to Flo Rida. I gave him his complimentary bottle of Cristal and did the head bob. He never suspected a thing. It's so easy to blend in. I was back there ferrying fried chicken dinners, condoms and liquor for so long I wasn't even thinking anymore when Pharell Williams approached me about an after party Snoop was hosting.

"I texted to (redacted) to get approval to continue surveillance to the after party and, of course, they approved. I rode in the back of Snoop's limo. He immediately 'sparked one up,' as the parlance goes and told me to 'pass, puff, give' to his entourage in the limo. It was odd that for all Snoop's wealth he had no real interest in supplying his proxies with their own marijuana. After I passed the rolled cigarette, Snoop produced a 'bowl' to smoke on his own, leaving the Bishop Don Juan to fight with Flo Rida over who was hogging the joint.

"When we got to the party, it was at a nightclub rented out by Cornell Hayes, aka Nelly. We already had a preexisting relationship from when I infiltrated his and Fat Joe's tour a few years back. Nelly recognized me right away, offering me a bottle of champagne to pour on some young woman who appeared to be not of age. I didn't know what to do. She was just standing there talking to another woman about which jeans made her posterior look better - Baby Phat or Apple Bottoms? I don't even think she was aware that Nelly was behind her, goading me on to denigrate this otherwise innocent person. I smiled, my fake gold tooth starting to slip from my incisor, I tried to think of the most 'hood' thing I could say, but my mind froze. Fortunately, Rihanna and Ciara showed up, distracting him. He gave me the bottle of 'Cris' then headed towards them. I went to my observation position where I could keep an eye on Snoop, Flo Rida and T-Pain, all sitting with several young women. I had a bug in the Bishop Don Juan's 'pimp cane' so I could hear most everything through my remote-less ear piece.

"Just as the Bishop Don Juan was suggesting that Snoop take an offer from McDonald's to do a remix of their 'I'm Lovin' It' incorporating the words 'it's the dizz dollah, dollah menu, a shake and fries, get the taste in you,' the young woman Nelly wanted to douse in alcohol approached me, asking me if I was with 'Snoop n' em.' I said that was affirmative. She looked at me confused. Then I remembered and burped out a 'sho nuff.' She giggled. She seemed pleased that I knew the rappers. I realized that she looked no older than 16, like my sister. I wanted to protect her, but knew that would be difficult as she wanted to be here. She wanted to be exploited by the hedonism and misogyny around her.

"She talked about brand name clothes and growing up in Mecham Park. That she wanted to be a 'dancer' and had already been in a few music videoes, but so far her face hadn't been shown in them. She said twice the video director said her 'ass' was even better than her face. She didn't appear to be offended, more hurt that she didn't get to play the girlfriend in the video. She was convinced that she was turned down twice in auditions because she wasn't 'creole' looking. Losing my objectivity, I told her that I thought she was quite attractive. She smiled. It was obvious she craved attention, positive or otherwise.

"She asked me how well I knew Snoop and others at the party, pressing on about my connections. I mentioned I worked at BET. Her eyes widened as if my face was made out of Versace. It was then Nelly returned with another bottle of champagne and a grin. He was going to douse that young woman without her knowing. Against my better judgment I tried to push her out of the way, causing Nelly to poor the champagne on me.

"Everyone laughed. Even the girl who then flashed her breasts at T-Pain who then poured liquor on her as she danced. And Nelly patted me on my back and gave me a bottle. They were all looking at me. I couldn't blow my cover. The girl smiled the whole time so I shouted out, 'Makin' it rain on dem hoes!'

N couldn't look me in the eye as he stared at the floor.

"I'm a monster."

I tried to reassure N that he was not. That he was a good person who was doing the right thing for the War on Ignorance. To remember the code of the Nat Turner Brigade. N put his head in his hands and wept.

"I have a law degree from Harvard!"

N then pulled out something from under his bed. It was a small bottle. He looked at it intently.

"What is that, (redacted)" I said.

"What does it matter anymore?" he said. "I'm one of them now ... Nigga," he said with his voice trailing off and cracking. "I'll pistol whip you, flip you, then dip you, then dance to this mutha fuckin music we crip to."

"Give me the bottle," I said.

"Some the hoes, I'm Florida the foes and for the most I'm steady sippin' on some ..." he then took off the top of the bottle and tried to drink its contents. Wrestled it from him and I smelled it.

It was codeine and promethazine - Purple Drank. Sizzurp.

I yelled at him, so angry that he would try to intoxicate himself with the very drug we were fighting so hard to combat. But I realized I was yelling at a broken man. After I poured the bottle's contents down the bathroom sink I looked at my fellow officer, devastated by the ignorance.

I am normally not one to show displays of affection, but I put my arms around N and held him as he shook and cried for the worship of the Coonery Class pained him so much.

I will put in the paperwork requesting his reassignment tomorrow.

BET is no place for a Martha's Vineyard Vegan.

SCAN Alert: Have You Seen This Man?

2008-02-28T17:52:00.004-06:00

He is wanted for "Extreme Awkwardness While Tangentially Endorsing a Bigoted View."

The man (pictured in this grainy SCAN black ops photo taken at the event) was seen on Feb. 26 in Cincinnati, Ohio holding a "John McCain for President" sign, sometimes uncomfortably, as a conservative radio personality repeatedly referred to Democratic nominee candidate Barack Obama by his middle name, Hussein.

Video evidence from ABC News of his awkwardness is documented after 00:28 into this clip posted below.

SCAN Salutes: The Students of Prairie View A&M University

2008-02-28T16:47:00.017-06:00

The Secret Council of American Negroes salutes the students of Prairie View A&M University in Prairie View, TX for holding one of the most relevant and inspiring marches for the cause of civil rights in recent memory.

This was a refreshing change as SCAN is often disappointed by the misuse and abuse of one of the most sacred protest techniques used by American Negroes. The march was once sacred, an effective tool of black resistance through non-violent, peaceful means. The March on Washington, the marches that spawned by Bloody Sunday and lead to the March from Selma to Montgomery, and numerous less publicized, but equally legitimate ones, all were courageous and mature acts of protest that had specific results in mind.

But, of course, times changed and all sorts of folks started using the symbolic statement of the march to further their own less well thought out goals. Who can forget (or remember?) these “marches”:

Rev. Al Sharpton’s March for Decency in Hip-Hop (because the lyrics are too dirty)
Rev. Jesse Jackson’s March on Hollywood (just because)
50 Cent’s March for Dirtier Lyrics at an Atlanta Strip Club (which was actually pretty well attended)
Poochie Williams’ March against it being too hot in Alabama every July (shortened due to the heat)

In any case, a big SCAN salute to the students of Prairie View A&M University. There is no more important civil rights issue than what concerns the right to vote. And there is no more effective tool than the march to shine a bright light on real bigotry and injustice wherever it lurks.

Submitted by Chicago operative The Blue

SCAN Mailbag: Dr. Jackson answers questions about the Democratic race, the Oscars and more

2008-02-28T16:32:00.004-06:00

By Rutherford Hosiah Jackson, III, PhD
Negro Professor Emetrius

Dr. Jackson answers your most pertinent questions.

Q: Why was Obama grilled on Farrakhan during the last debate? Is Farrakhan still considered influential? Rufus G., Houston

A: To combat the charges of sexism leveled at the national media by the Clinton campaign, MSNBC thought it prudent to throw in a little racism and anti-Semitism to balance the scales a bit. It failed. And no, Louis Farrakhan is not influential anymore.

Q: Was Tavis Smiley’s State of the Black Union a success? Sidney W., Charleston SC

A: Was that a SCAN sanctioned event? I don’t believe I’ve heard of it or this “Smiley” person, if that is, in fact, his name.

Q: Is SCAN worried about the fact that it is a mortal lock that the GOP/conservative movement is about five minutes from waging the single most racist presidential campaign ever seen? Marion J., Los Angeles

A: No. The benefit of having as talented an American Negro as Barack Obama running is the sheer joy it will be to watch him smoothly disarm the right wing nut jobs attack after ludicrous attack. In fact, he’ll be so good at deflecting irrelevant criticism that it’ll start to get boring. Wake us when they start claiming he’s actually a gay, Arab-speaking gangsta-rapper from Mexico. That’ll be good TV.

Q: In the wake of Norbit I have to ask: Will Eddie Murphy do anything for a paycheck? Jonathan F., Chicago

A: We’ve actually sent out “cease and desist” orders to Hollywood not to entertain any scripts for Mr. Murphy as he is not capable of turning down a role no matter how many dresses he has to wear in it.

Q: What does SCAN think was the best part of the Oscars? Leon Q., Columbus OH

A: Three things: 1) The adorable 11 eleven year-old who could really, really sing. 2) Only one Negro was denied an Oscar this year instead of the usual quota of two snubs. 3) Any awards ceremony without another outburst from Kanye West is a relished treasure.

------
Rutherford Hosiah Jackson III, PhD. is Professor Emeritus of Negro Studies at historic black institution, Beechwood College in beautiful Macon, Ga. He is the author of several books including “Dick Gregory Is Right” and “Finding Your Inner Field Negro.” If you have questions about Blackness, SCAN has answers. Send your questions to SCAN.

Submitted by Chicago operative The Blue

Justin Timberlake, you are not black

2008-02-27T18:28:00.010-06:00

Dear Justin Timberlake,

This is a letter from the Secret Council of American Negroes regarding the status of your request of a formal decree of blackness.

We apologize that SCAN has taken so long in processing your application, but our organization has had a severe backlog of white people who aspire for a "ghetto pass" or "honorary Negro" status.

The formalities and prerequisites to meet the high standard of "blackness" often takes years to digest as SCAN does not want to give a honor as coveted as "musically black" to any person who fancies "pop n' lock" routines and groping Michael Jackson's little sister. Blackness is not a fetish or a passing fad. Blackness is a way of life and a state of mind.

Your request seems very earnest as you filed all your paper work properly with the Los Angeles chapter of SCAN, including letters of recommendation by ethnic black Americans people including Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, Timothy Z. Mosley and Pharell Williams. But many things have changed since your original application.

1.) Janet Jackson has rescinded her letter of recommendation and Michael Jackson has distanced himself from his initial endorsement. One would think that Mr. Jackson wouldn't have much pull in SCAN, but never underestimate black people's love of "Thriller." Jackson specifically cited you as abusing blackness by wanting to be "black enough" to "bump and grind" Ms. Jackson on the stage at Super Bowl XXXVIII in 2004, but denied any blackness during the media fallout after her bare breast was exposed for less than a second on national television.

Mr. Timberlake threw me under the bus. He was up on that stage with me, wanting to take advantage of my very sexy and very popular blackness to advance his career. He said he admired myself and my brother, who as you know made "Thriller," but when he grabbed the top of my costume and my "wardrobe malfunctioned" Timberlake ran as far from blackness as he could. He did not call me to apologize or even ask how I was doing. He did not defend me in the press. There were two people up on that stage, one BLACK and one a wannabe BLACK and wouldn't you know it, Mr. Timberlake rediscovered his whiteness. It was the BLACK person who took all the blame. My career has not been the same since!

SCAN cannot ignore these claims. She is Janet Jackson. Her brother made "Thriller." Despite the Jacksons' sometimes "curious" public behavior, they have never disavowed their blackness, even at the height of Mr. Jackson's translucency.

2.) Despite Mr. Mosley and Mr. Williams still standing by their letters of recommendation we've received countless "blackness violations" from black music critics and artists who complain you stole your style and dress from other black artists and are unfairly riding a wave of success based on the credibility and talent of Mosley and Williams. Prince was very adamant in telling us that he didn't know "(Timberlake) brought sexy back. Sexy never left!" Also, another member of the recording industry, who did not want his name released, has aggressively and repeatedly lobbied SCAN for the last four years to not approve your application.

I never liked his ass. From jump. I mean, I know a couple years back I said we were cool, but it was for show. I still remember how in 2003 this dude was claiming he was better than Michael Jackson. I'm like slow up, homie. I'm still standing. I'm right here. Platinum, baby. And I was never in no corny "boy band." I've been a "mack" since I was 12 years old. I've been in the game since I was 12. This dude is not better than me. He's not better than Michael Jackson. I mean, if anybody is even close to Michael Jackson, it's me.

He's getting all this attention? For what? I tell you. For what? He has NOT MET THE STANDARD! He is standing on Tim and Pharell's shoulders basking in the black cred that he did not earn. If Justin was black we wouldn't even know who he is. His falsetto ain't even as good as Robin Thicke's falsetto. He don't give you feelings like Tina Marie. He ain't even fucking Michael MacDonald.

If Justin was black trying to make it in the business the competition would be too tough. He'd be lucky if he made it to the sucka section, fighting with Ne-Yo and Mario and all those "Oh" boys. Or he'd be hanging out with Ray J and Tevin Campbell, who, mind you, I fucking destroyed when I was only 15. FIFTEEN! And Tevin could at least sing. Timberlake's name shouldn't come out NOBODIES mouth next to mine! I make it BURN, dammit! People wanna be me, smell like me. I'm not in competition with anyone but myself.

3.) SCAN's Black Education Program has reported that you only completed half of your blackness correspondence courses and recently received a grade of "incomplete" for the mandatory classes of "Black Music History 102: How White Artists Appropriated the 'Cool' of Blackness Without the Burden" and "My Blackness, Myself: An Introspective Journey to A White Man's Inner Blackness" conducted by Robert De Niro.

Mr. De Niro, though understanding, wrote in his recommendations that he is not sure about your level of "dedication" to becoming a "black" man.

It's more than songs and beats and the girls, although the sisters are very attractive. But it's heart. You have to feel it ... right there. I look at my son, who's mother is black and I look at Barack Obama and I think "if loving black is wrong I just, I just don't wanna be right." Know what I'm saying? It's not about show. I don't try to "act" black. One can't "act" black. That's the problem with some white people. They don't get it. You have to "be" black. Live black. Love black. Good and bad. I have to say I question his dedication. His heart. I've seen white guys like him before. Maybe when he's older, but right now? Maybe not. I don't know. You're the authorities on these things.

De Niro, who converted to Blackness twenty years ago, is not a member of SCAN, but his opinion does carry weight within the organization. It is because of his recommendations, the concerns of an important member of the music industry and your cowardice during one of the darkest periods in Ms. Jackson's life that we must put your status down as "Blackness Denied Upon Further Review."

You will be required to begin the process anew with new letters of recommendations and your Temporary Black Affiliation Status (TBAS) will be discontinued. Until the matter of your status is settled your are banned from all displays of public blackness. This includes "trying to appropriate black slang and drawl," beat boxing and performing "pop 'n lock" routines. If you continue to act black in public fines will be levied and the infractions could lead to a warrant issued for your arrest by The Drop Squad.

We at SCAN sincerely hope it will not come to this.

Sincerely,

Cheri Buttons
SCAN Blackness Intake Supervisor, California Division

America: The World's Worst Boyfriend

2008-02-27T14:01:00.014-06:00

Satire
BLACK AMERICA DEMANDS WHITE AMERICA TO STOP "MESSING AROUND" AND JUST MARRY HER ALREADY.

SCAN News Service

Athena Le Trelle Hemmings, long time girlfriend of the United States of America, threatened to dump her famous beaux after he refused to marry her.

Friends of Hemmings said the break-up happened suddenly when America came up with another excuse not to bring Hemmings home to America's birth place of Boston, Mass. to meet his family.

"She said asked him if it was because she was black and he said it wasn't. Then he said he was just waiting for the right time," said one source close to Hemmings.

It was then Hemmings reportedly threw one of America's law textbooks at his head, nearly hitting him and began screaming about how she worked hard to put him through school and had given him more than 36 million children and was "tired of the bullshit."

America then told Hemmings she should just "go back to Africa" if she hated him that much. Sources say Hemmings then stormed out of their Sommerville, Mass. apartment screaming that he should perform an unspeakable sexual act upon himself.

This was the latest setback in a decades long relationship. While staying at her sister's house in Washington, D.C. Hemmings only said that she was "tired of him telling his friends that she was 'a friend of his sister or something.'"

Sources close to the couple say this was an improvement as in the past America was known for passing off Hemmings as his "maid."

"We had no idea he even had a girlfriend," said one classmate of America. "I mean, we saw him with a lot of hot girls but nothing serious. I think I saw her at his graduation a few years back giving him a hug, but when I asked America who the black chick was he said he didn't know and that she probably confused him with someone else. But he totally copped a feel in front of everyone, but I didn’t think anything of it because that’s just how America is. He’s kind of handsy.

"And he was probably drunk,” he added.

Friends of America said rumors of the relationship were confirmed two years ago when, while drunk, America confessed that he had a "thing" for black women even though they were "like mental or something, but totally hot," one source said. He then went on to say that he "just couldn't quit" Hemmings, but wouldn't say if he loved her or not. A friend said when America sobered up from that drunken admission he claimed that he was just “experimenting” with black women in college because he was really into hip hop at the time.

Friends say US America doesn't appreciate all Athena Hemmings does for him.

Hemmings and America's pseudo relationship began when both were volunteers at a drug rehab center. America was there meeting the obligation of a recent DUI conviction in Maryland where he sideswiped a family of five in a Volvo after a night of drinking in Prince George's County.

Close friends on both sides said America pursued Hemmings aggressively. In a matter of weeks they’d moved into an apartment in Sommerville, Mass. together. And after America’s parents cut him off financially Hemmings worked nights, putting her post-graduate degree on hold to put America through Harvard Law School.

"Athena always liked white boys. I don't know why," said one close friend. "The Republic of Cuba tried to get with her I don't know how many times but she just shined him on. I could tell America wasn't no good because I heard how he did Vietnam. That shit was messed up. I could see America as a fling, but settle down? She's in denial."

America is now a very wealthy attorney managing a hedge fund on Wall Street. But Hemmings hasn't enjoyed much of America's now lavish lifestyle. Sources say America gave excuse after excuse as to why they didn’t go out in public together, why he hadn’t introduced Hemmings to his family and friends and why some people still thought Hemmings was the maid. Friends say America "sweet talked" Hemmings into not taking him to court for child support, settling for America "buying a box of Pampers once in a while."

America, a known womanizer, also had torrid affairs with Venezuela, Iran and Iraq, all which ended badly. He's now rumored to be aggressively pursuing current “It” girl gone bad on the international scene, the People's Republic of China.

“Asian girls are in right now,” a friend of America said. “They’re hot and submissive, you know? Not like Western chicks who are all ‘liberated.’ I wish they’d liberate something other than their mouths with all the bitching.”

Hemmings was reportedly “devastated” last year when her fears of America’s cheating were confirmed after he gave her “the clap,” which he’d contacted from his other girlfriend, Puerto Rico.

Hemmings reportedly has asked America when he’s going to “claim” her and publicly declare both his wrongs and his love for her. Many believe Hemmings isn't likely to hear those words any time soon. She has been with America for nearly a decade and is the mother of his estimated 36 million children. Many close to Hemmings argue that America has gone on too long not acknowledging how Hemmings helped make America the successful man he is today.

But America's friends say that it's acceptable to delay marriage and "just live together and see how it goes” and some argue that despite the fact that America and Hemmings lead virtually separate lives they’re still “equals."

"He doesn't want to be tied down," said France, America's oldest friend. "I honestly don't see what the big deal is. I've been with Senegal for years and she's perfectly fine with the arrangement. I mean, seriously. Who doesn't have a few countries on the side? America's a good looking, young rich guy. I say, let him have his fun. She should just be happy to be with him. Without him she’d be starving to death somewhere in Africa, right? She’s totally better off this way."

Still, others like America’s friend Canada thinks he should consider some peacemaking gesture.

“At the end of the day Athena and US are going to be together no matter what either of them says,” he said. “Once you go black, you can't send them back.”

Introductory Letter from the SCAN Public Negro Handbook, 1933 Edition

2008-02-25T19:25:00.013-06:00

January 19, 1933

Dear Distinguished Negro,

Welcome! Your recent fame and success has lead you to the public life of a distinguished Negro. We at the Secret Council of American Negroes want to congratulate you on your newfound success. But with that success comes great responsibility as being a Negro does not mean one can simply relax and enjoy their new prominence, for in these difficult days since the Great Emancipation Negroes of note are scrutinized in ways that our fellow white Americans could ever imagine.

Because of this we have sent along the 1930 edition of our SCAN handbook, commonly referred as the "Bible" for newly famed Negroes. While you may take in the handbook at your leisure, encourage you to read it in its entirety to better prepare you for the life fame has brought you.

For a sampling of the knowledge to be found inside the tome, please read the passage from the first chapter of the book:

Hate Mail and Death Threats, How to Avoid Them

At SCAN we have a truism, when you get your first death threat you will know that you truly are a famed Negro. Levity aside. Until race relations in the United States improves, this will simply be a part of life, but to insure your safety we have a few suggestions.

Firstly, if you live in any part of the American south you should move.

Seriously. You should do it. Now.

We really can't emphasize this enough. There is a saying in many parts of the south, a rallying crying of "I can't have it, no (Negro) should have it!" For example, many eyebrows will be raised if every white man in Weedpatch is driving a used Model T, or worse yet, still a horse and carriage, and the Negro is jollying about in a Studebaker with whitewall tires.

In most of the south, driving a Studebaker while black will get you killed.

But don't get depressed! There are many places where you can live that would be less dangerous and limiting. Unfortunately most of those places are not in the United States. (Other successful Negroes have found luck in the Caribbean, Paris, Liberia and even South America.) SCAN would prefer you to stay in the US and make the best of it for the benefit of all Negroes.

If you do choose to do this, adhere to some additional advice:

Live in urban areas like Harlem, NY or Chicago, Ill. There is safety in numbers, unless the National Guard turns on you, as was the case with our poor brothers and sisters who perished in the murderous East St. Louis Race Riots of 1917.

Helpful hint: Always keep a loaded gun nearby. Many SCAN members spent their formative years after the Emancipation hiding under our cots while Papa clung in one hand our mother and in the other his shotgun screaming that if the Klan wanted us he was taking every Peckerwood in Georgia down with us. The Klan backed off, but keep in mind, a loaded shotgun and planned escape routes if the rebels set our house on fire could only keep our members safe for so long. Eventually Mama and Papa moved us to Gary, Indiana. So seriously. Move.

Secondly, don't date a white woman. We can't say this enough to our male Negroes of note. One should not attempt this if you want to reduce your chances of dying in a horrible and/or undignified manner. We have a saying at SCAN, "Stay ALIVE. Marry a Negress!"

Surprising fact! Did you know that Negro men of fame who marry their same race tend to run at least a 50 percent chance of not dying by lynching, drowning, gun shot, several gun shots, poisoning, stabbing, public beatings, private beatings or electrocution? Negro women aren't just beautiful and loving, my Colored men of success - they'll keep you alive. Think about it!

Thirdly, never admit to owning something that a white man may not own. As a Negro of note you are going to have to do some interracial mingling (but, if you're not a Colored woman of note, this not advisably be with white women) where you will converse with educated white folk of class. White folk of this stature may be sympathetic, even friendly towards Negroes but that could all shrivel up and die the moment they learn that you may own something that either A) they do not own or B) that they do own, but don't think you should own.

Even those most sympathetic of whites like to believe that us Coloreds are but ignorant, wretched children of unfortunate fate who need the warm embrace of a caring white man to save us from our racist tormentors and/or ourselves.

Yes. I know. It is annoying. No one likes to spend time playing to the vanity of insecure hosts. But it's simply a fact of our times that while you may be talented or highly intelligent or, dare I say it, wealthy and good looking, please keep your white peers at ease with the occasional joke about picking cotton, or marvel at some doodad in their home and mistake it for finery from the Orient. Mispronounce a big word.

But please, don't drive the Studebaker to the party. Don't mention your recent vacation in the Islands. Don't wear the diamond cuff links. Don't have your wife or date show up in a Chanel dress you had shipped from France. Don't say you just heard that new Al Jolson album on your Victrola. Don't eat your host's food and compare it to something your Irish maid would make. We can't tell you how many things are wrong with that last sentence. Surely your own demise would be imminent if this statement were uttered.

It might hurt your pride a little when your new contemporaries are snickering at you because you look stupid in those white spats, ducktails and slicked conked hair (we'll instruct you how to dress in chapter two), and you keep pronouncing "question" as "qwerstion" because that was the common vernacular back in Texarkana. Your first instinct might be to let it slip that you took a holiday to Martha's Vineyard last weekend where you gave your wife a band of gold spun from the tooth fillings of Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson. Then to bring it home you would add a quip about how you and her would later, high on cocaine and absinthe, mock a young white woman on a bicycle by making lewd sounds and gestures as you sped around the island that cursed Studebaker.

But seriously, no matter how good it might feel don't do this if you want to live.

And there are 1,823 pages more where that came from!

We can't emphasize enough, you really need to read the handbook. There are more tips involving money, fashion, homes, speaking to white people, education, networking, selecting the right black social organization to join, choosing what role you will take in the long fight for Civil Rights, learning how to protect your eyes and mouth if you are dragged out of your car by an unruly mob, how to escape from the grips of an unruly mob, where to shop, what schools you should send your children to, how to defect to France if you are threatened with unlawful imprisonment, how to properly argue for your right to die for your country as a combat soldier and how to understand and intermingle with Negroes outside of your class range.

And there's even more! From our entire history dating back to Africa to up from now and how to make the perfect sweet potato pie. It's all in there.

Also as a newly minted Colored of class, we will send you more materials on SCAN events, courses, meetings and therapeutic retreats. If you ever feel you need SCANs help, like if you've become dependent on drink or heroin, or if you need help getting a lawyer or out of the country, SCAN is there to jimmy the locks and shuttle you away from false murderous persecution. At SCAN we are here to help you because your public face represents the Colored race.

Sincerely yours in Negroness,

Walter Francis White
SCAN Precinct Captain #37, freshman intake chair
------
The Secret Council of American Negroes
Working for the Benefit of Negroes In Shared Sacrifice and Glory Since 1865

WHO WE ARE

2008-02-24T10:17:00.011-06:00

The Secret Council of American Negroes was founded in 1865 by former slave and American abolitionist, "The Lion of Anacostia," Frederick Douglass. . Douglass is the preeminent, final word in Black American History. His life story is legend. And he believed in freedom for all. The motto of his newspaper, The North Star, was "Right is of no Sex — Truth is of no Color — God is the Father of us all, and we are all brethren."

He also said, "Without struggle there is no progress."

Douglass formed SCAN at the end of the Civil War after President Lincoln's assassination. The group was to be a secret shadow organization meant to monitor and promote black progress. Through money, guidance and education, SCAN has worked as an invisible hand setting the black agenda, guiding former slaves to salvation in fruitful, productive lives.

SCAN only wants to help. We have set the black agenda for decades now. Some of the most esteemed members of black society, Ida B. Wells, Harriet Tubman, Dr. Charles S. Drew, WEB DuBois, Booker T. Washington, Mary McLeod Bethune and Thurgood Marshall are among some of our more well known elite and past chairpersons. It is SCAN who decids who is right and who is wrong. We determine what you can say and cannot say. We decree what issues we will fight for or against. We choose the party and the candidate you should vote for. We do what's in the best interest of you, black Americans. We have your best interest at heart. We want to work with you to combat ignorant stereotypes and "buffoonish" behavior involving many embarrassing blacks, from politicians to celebrities to authors to activits. No one is too big or too small to get a scolding and a trip to blackabilitation for reassessment.

We want YOU to know that we are always watching and we are everywhere. SCAN may be secretive, but our membership is vast and reaches into every segment of American life. We may be your co-workers, your friends, your doctor or your professor. Our operatives are always out in the field doing surveillance, documenting the horrors of ignorance so we can expose the tomfoolery and get back to making black America a better place.

We are the educated, the sophisticated, the mysterious and all-powerful, all-knowing secret black organization all your white friends have been asking you about.

SCAN The Last Word on Blackness
---------------

Join SCAN ... because you want to be part of the most meticulous, self-important, socially atavist, addleplated, secret discourse of termidity ever foisted upon mankind.

Passing is for suckers: Beyond the One-Drop-Rule

2008-02-24T08:55:00.009-06:00

Not-black-black people clip of the week. From left to right, CNN reporter Soledad O'Brien, actor Wentworth Miller, CNN political reporter Suzanne Malveaux, and major league baseball star Grady Sizemore.

In a post one-drop-rule world, The Secret Council of American Negroes tips their hat to our successful, paler brothers and sisters who are in highly visible positions, behaving well, and not afraid to embrace the black along with the 20 other ethnicities flowing within them. These not-black-black-people are to be admired, unlike Nicole Richie, who is on notice to be voted out of the race. We've already sent her to black rehab a few times. She seems to be doing better with the help and money of her father Lionel Richie.

As for our not-black-black-people honorees:

Soledad O'Brien (who is too talented for CNN. We think CBS should fire Couric and get some Soledad in their lives) is Australian, Irish and Cuban and is a member of both the National Association of Black Journalists and the National Association Hispanic Journalists.

Wentworth Miller is a little bit of everything, claiming African-American, English, Italian, German-Jewish and part Cheroke, Russian, French, Dutch and Lebanese as his ancestry (the more the merrier I suppose). While he plays "el hombre blanco" on "Prison Break," he openly claims his half-black heritage and was featured in the film adaptation of "The Human Stain." He was good. The rest of the film, not so good.

Suzanne Malveaux comes from the black elite, a descendant of educated and successful Louisiana coloreds. She is of African, Spanish and French descent. At CNN she's very hard-hitting and smart. She has no tolerance for filler or inane banter.

Grady Sizemore was one of the few baseball players who wore Jackie Robinson's number last year during the celebration of baseball breaking the color barrier. Many people were surprised to learn that Grady's "Jew-fro" was really an "afro." His background is less complex, his mother is white and his father is black.

Kim, You Are Not Black

2008-02-23T13:03:00.001-06:00

To Kim Kardashian, we are sorry to inform you that you are not black. You are not even black by association. We know that black men are attracted to you and your posterior, which is considered ideal within the world of black beauty. But seriously. You don't get to be black just because your butt is round, you like to wear gaudy colors and you sleep with black men. If we didn't give Madonna an African American Express card in the 90s we aren't going to make a pass for you now.

Therefore we are sorry, but we have to deny your current application. We appreciate your present boyfriend, football star Reggie Bush's vouching, but he doesn't not have enough clout in SCAN to make that happen. Please try applying for a pass when your resume consists of more than a sex tape with Brandy Norwood's little brother and lots of cheap magazine, pre-coitus-esque spreads of you and your rear end.

Thank you.

This is the future home of the Secret Council of American Negroes

2008-02-23T12:24:00.001-06:00

And its conservative sister organization, Negroes of North America

Our Founder, Frederick Douglass

Posers. Consider yourself on notice, because payback is going live this spring.